What's next?

I wish I knew. This past year I made the effort to leave my house, get out more, do things with more people. I use the word effort because that is exactly what it was. Each and every time I went out to meet friends, I had to talk myself into it, tell myself it will be fun, tell myself I could use some more fun and laughter in my life. And so I went. 2, sometimes 3 times a month I went out on the weekend and met up with some friends, and believe it or not, I had fun. Sounds great....in theory. Each and every time I would go out and have fun, resulted in me retreating from everything but my job. After I go out, I come home, lock the 3 locks I have on my door, close my curtains, turn off my phone and ignore the world. I sit in the dark, I watch tv and accomplish nothing more than slowly day by day creating a dent in my couch crushing in the shape if my ass. In all honesty I feel worse in the days after going out than I would had I just decided to stay in and do nothing. The only thing that I actually feel good about anymore is when I travel. I suppose that's why I am feeling at such a low right now. I haven't been anywhere since May, and even though that was for work, that was the last time I felt I could breathe. I find myself weighing the balance of my life, wondering often what's the point. I've done a really great job at making every on the outside think that I am happy and care-free. Maybe that's why when I get back home I feel so low. It's exhausting putting on a front, trying to hide this dark shadow in my life, that I now accept will never go away. The last time I went out, a friend of a friend, whom I was just meeting for the first time was incredibly rude to me. No one said a word to her, like they just accepted it and moved on, when I went to leave and someone asked why I couldn't even get words out. This falls back to my original thoughts all along, most people are assholes, it's in human nature to put others down. Humans are inherently bad, it's nature, it's why we have a system that places rules of what's right and wrong in front of our faces, and locks away the way the once that don't follow the rules (except for those who get away with rape apparently, rapists get to go free in a world that blames the woman no matter what the circumstance...but I digress) So in this situation, this entire room of people felt it was completely appropriate for he to say the things she said to me and that I was the bad person for getting up and removing myself from a negative situation. That girl, as petty as she was, is the prime reason I stay away from people. I can count the number of true friends I have on both my hands. This girl is also now a reason I have as few less friends today than I had yesterday . I'd like to think I better off, who needs that ridiculous shit in their life, but now, I look at myself, sitting on my couch, swearing off the world....and I wonder what's next? Being alone is not scary, it's something I fine with, but at what point is it going to be too much to bear? People already light-heartedly joke about me being a hermit and I brush it off with a quick laugh and tell them it's the life I choose (little do they know it's a life I feel forced into). I think I have found a solution to my highs and lows. A solution that removes me from the current situation of people judging me for staying in rather than going out and drinking every weekend. A solution that begins with me alone, but ends with me choosing who to hang around with rather than be having to be around the same people all of the time, the same people that have known me forever and have expectations of me that they have no idea the cost to me for following through. I need to leave. I need to move somewhere that I know no one. Somewhere I can feel free to choose who to be around and choose to avoid those that will only bombard me with negativity. Somewhere I won't have friends I've known all my life to disappoint me. So that is what I am going to do. Goodbye to the life and people I know now and hello to a whole new place full of so much potential. A place that will hopefully give me back a life I so desperately want. It comes at a cost, I am leaving everything behind...the place I grew up, a job that I love and some friends that I truly do consider friends, but the hardest if all will be leaving my family. I have to decide, for myself if I can truly do this. If I am strong enough to leave what I know and start brand new in an unfamiliar place. Right now, as I am writing this, packing up and starting new seems like my best option, I just hope my family will understand.

Life

I feel bipolar. One minute I am fine, having the time of my life....hanging out with friends, enjoying a life I once thought about ending. The next minute I am hiding in my apartment, afraid to leave, afraid to talk to anyone. It's been years, yet I still call in sick to work to avoid having to deal with people. I don't know it's that I feel guilt for having a good time or ashamed of some reason ...I just can't figure it out. I have alienated any close friends I had, so I have no one to talk to, and any new friends I have , I won't let the close enough to me to get to know who I truly am. I miss my old life. I miss my old friends . I miss going out for a night and enjoying myself without having a care in the world. Yes I have friends, but none of whom truly know me or who I am, what I've been through and how very much alone I feel in life. I hide my sadness . I generally try to stay at home, try to avoid making plans and when I do get convinced to go out , I hide it with humor. The general consensus seems to be if someone is funny and can crack a joke, they must not have a deep, dark sadness inside them.....how could they right ?

It's been years

It's been years since my rape. So many amazing things have happened since,yet I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind every day. I decided this was the year I was going to be more social. This was the year I would get back into he world.....and I have, for the most part. Every night when I lay down to sleep, thought of my rape still surface in my mind....years later ! I thought that at some point the thoughts wouldn't creep in, but they do. This past week has been awful, I have had soooo much trouble sleeping I'm to the point of exhaustion. Being so tired enables the thoughts I thought I had buried deep , to surface and bring me to tears. I hate myself for this. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had pushed this all aside. For some reason, tonight, I think about the one NOPD officer that showed me compassion . The one man of many that didn't just rush to judgement and assume I was lying . I am alive today because of that man. I tried to kill myself a handful of times. I would be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed of that, but it's the truth. Most of me thinks that if that one officer hadn't acknowledged my pain, that my attempts on my own life would have been successful. I am still here, I got to see my nephew grow up, I got to see myself succeed in a life that I was sure was over. I found myself happy at times, when I was so full of despair I was sure I would never laugh again. Yet still, here I am, years later still struggling and still finding writing as my only release, my only way to keep my sanity. As I've said before , I never read what I write. I only write now in times where I find myself in a dark place. But each time I randomly sign on, I see that even today, people are still reading what I have written. Still commenting on how this has helped them through the same devastating act of personal violation that is never truly taken seriously. Am I glad my attempts to take my own life failed. Yes. In times of true darkness, I could never imagine the life I am living right now. A life full of so many things I never even thought about when trying to take my own life. So many amazing things have happened since my rape, but the darkness still remains. Every day I wonder if I should just end my life and end the disgusting memories I have of that day and the days following. But now I realize that I have already survived one of the worst things life can throw your way. I am still alive. I am still living my life to the fullest. I am doing things I have always wanted to do before I die.....things I wouldn't have been able to do had I succeeded that night in the hotel room with that razor blade. My life didn't end the night I was raped. It's course definitely took a major shift, but I'm still here. And I am still fighting to get back to he carefree person I used to be. Seeing that this site still has people viewing it every day, even though I only update a few times a year, gives me so much hope. Hope that someone, anyone, that has been through what I have been through has somewhere to turn to for honest answers and comfort in knowing they are not alone. I never thought I had an important place in this world.....turns out, by speaking publicly about my rape and my personal faults and my personal struggle to survive, that I have helped a few people make it through one of the darkest times in their lives......and with that, I can begin to forgive . There have been personal, deep comments left on this blog that I have chosen not to post.... But knowing that I, in even the most remote of ways, I was able to help brings me some peace . But don't get me wrong, that stupid, stupid hair of my rapist still shows up in my mind .....-and still makes me laugh to myself. Find something in your rapist that you can publicly make fun of. I know it sounds beyond petty and superficial, but the laughter will help get you through the tough times

Alone

As good as life can seem to be, there is always something just not right. I can't seem to find someone I want to spend time with. Sure, my job is great, my life is great, but I have few friends. I pushed most away. I have this tough persona with people I know...... I'm emotionless, I could care less about who thinks what of me....as far as anyone is concerned, o am alone by choice, alone because I prefer solitude...but in reality I feel so alone. Everyone thinks I'm strong, everyone thinks I am amazing because I reject a life of the need for friendship or the need for relatonships. I make a joke of feelings and emotions, who needs to deal with that crap anyway. Turns out, being alone isn't as appealing as I have always thought. Being alone is terrifying. I've always known I've never wanted to marry, never wanted children and Ive chosen to let very few people into my life...I've been OK with this. On my experience people are shitty....but ever since my rape, I have pushed anyone that was even remotely close to me away..... Now, I sit here on a Saturday night, on my couch....looking to actually leave my apartment for once....and I have no one to call, and the ones I do call don't have the time for me. I used to have love. People that cared and now I have nothing. I was raped, I fought back, I pulled away from my friends, I am left with no emotional human contact. I count myself lucky that I have found a job I love and can go on with life, but the loneliness that comes along with the violation of rape is maddening. You can't tell your friends of the stupid mistakes you have made, you can't fully be with anyone new, because you can't be honest about the emotional turmoil you have been through. No new relationship will ever be real, because you will always be holding back the truth of your rape. Relationships are based on honesty, but how can you be so blantently honest with someone and trust that they aren't judging you. And if you do tell the truth, how do you know they aren't standing by you out of pity. Strength will get you through your rape, so strength should get you through the loneliness too right?

what Im thankful for

I'm most thankful my suicide attempts were unsuccessful. In my darkest moments I tried to end my life, saw no point in living if it meant I would be tortured daily in my mind. The mind is incredibly vulnerable and when you are in the lowest levels of dispare, your mind tells you that there is a way to end your suffering....and this comes to the forefront over and over and over. Selfishly I listened and tried to take the easy way out. Had I succeeded I would have missed the massive turn in events in my life. I am the happiest I have been in years. I took a new job that I absolutely love,I've traveled to places I have never been before. I've made some incredible friends in my travels.... I have proven to myself that not all people you meet have a way to take advantage of you brewing in the back of their mind. I would have missed out on watching my nephew grow up, I would have never seen Memphis, Nashville and Puerto Rico. I would have never had the chance to take the job I have now that I find so fulfilling and I would never have met and become friends with my amazing coworkers. I wouldn't have been there to comfort my mother when her fiance suddenly passed away.....she has even told me she didn't think she would have survived it had I not been there for her in one of her darkest moments. If you have been raped, you know the every day torment that goes on in your head. You know the feeling of despare and hopelessness. You know how sometimes even your body begins to fail you. Having attempted suicide myself, my advice to anyone buried under to focus on the future. Focus on your family, take that trip you have always wanted to take.. Think of everything you will miss out on. Don't let your rapest end you. Don't let your rapist rob you of you future, whether it be having children, traveling, or being there when someone you love needs you the most. I can't promise your pain will end in time, hell, I still have multiple times in a day where my mind allows the thoughts and circumstances around my rape to come to the forefront, but I am able to quickly place my focus elsewhere. Time makes functioning each day a little easier. Time distant heal all wounds, but it does at least begin to patch the wound and lessen the effects of the constant thoughts racing through your mind. I can promise, in the future, there will be multiple occasions where you will think to yourself "wow, I am really glad I am still here to see and be a part of this"

i get it

Its been years since my rape....I still think about it every day.....little moments creep up in my mind and for the most part I can push them away. I've been back to New Orleans multiple times....every time results in an increase in heart rate and awful thoughts of returning....but I do it anyway. I still love the city.....and this last trip I met some amazing people.....it brought me back to a time when I wasn't afraid to meet people on vacation....a time when motives were never questioned. It felt amazing to make a few friends again and not be afraid of negative intentions. I haven't posted in quite a while....mostly due to the fact that this blog is a glaring reminder of bad decisions and misplaced trust, things you wish you could do over again....times I wish I was physically strong enough to kick his disgusting ass....but recent events have brought something to my attention. I never understood how I could be so public about my rape....to speak to the TV stations and news paper reporters.....I am a very private person ....afraid of spotlight...I usually accept things that happen in life , like they were meant to be....but this time I didn't...and I stood up for myself in a way in which I had no idea I had in me.......recent events have shown me where I got my strength. In 2005 my cousin was murdered by a man who claimed to love her.....when my aunt thought she wouldn't live through it, she stood up and fought. She formed survivor groups, got legislation passed.....she put her grief into something positive for anyone in her same situation.....she fought and spoke out.....her fight helped her survive, helped her heal....... I now realize where my strength came from.....and while I gave up my fight when I should have pressed the issue even further.....at least I fought My advice is fight....even if you think no one is listening

moving on

I know it has been quite a bit since my last post....not even sure what I said in it. Life has been good lately. I took a new job that I absolutely love, in a town where I truley feel I fit in. Good things seem to be coming my way.... my life is starting to feel the way it was, back to normal and care free. Back to a time when I was able to go out places and have fun and not be afraid to meet new people. I actually went out in my hometown with my sister and a good friend and laughed harder than I have in years. I was stunned to see all the new restaurants and bars that have been built in town....it was definitly not the same city it was before I shut myself in and away from the world. While we were out I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in about 10 years, we sat and caught up on life for over 2 hours...a much needed reminder of the life I had before my rape. A much needed reminder that I miss my old life. A nice kick in the ass, epiphany toilet ( love scrubs for that) moment that I still have a life and I still have friends even though I pushed them all away. I feel like i have been given a chance to take my life back. This new job,new town, reminders of my old life, and old friends that welcome me back like I had never left. I still get the random mind intrusion daily about my rape and the complete idiocy of the surrounding circumstances, but I have found more good in life. Better things to hope for and focus on. When those stomach turning thoughts enter my mind, I quickly shift focus to all of the good that's been happening lately and block out all the bad. I am finally ready to let the world back in. Finally ready to stop hiding in my apartment and start enjoying my life again.

Feb 27 2013

2/27/13 I cant remember, but im pretty sure this is my first post of 2013. Things were dark again for a little, but once again i am fighting for normalcy. I still get random thoughts throughout the day of my rape, my rapist and his friends. Istill have trouble slowing my mind down at night. I do have to say that my trip back to New Orleans in November did great things for me. I was able to be myself again. Able to walk to street and not be afraid. Able to go to the saints game and scream my head off. I made some really great new friends. I cant believe i was going to let my rapist get away with taking away The things i love most in life, travelling and meeting new people. Today, i am writing content and pretty happy. I just got offered a new job, in a new city and i cant wait to start it. My life didn't stop when i was raped....it may have massively spiraled downward for a long time, but now things seem to be looking up again. . Hang in there everyone, there are times, though they dew and far between, that life does get good again

Suck it up buttercup 12/3/12

Again, not sure when the last time I posted was.....seems like forever ago I went back. Plain and simple. Not to fight for my rights that were completely violated, not to put myself through any more psychological torment. I just went back to a place I once loved. It may have taken me 2 years, but I was finally able to go back to a city that used to feel like home. I got to walk around and see all the places that I had so many memories, and some new places where I got to make new ones. I got to go back to the Dome and watch the Saints play - I missed the sounds of that place , and I got to see them beat the Falcons :) 2 years of medication to stablize my mood and keep me from breaking. 2 years to push everyone in my life that I cared about away. 2 years of working non stop and shutting the world out. I kept traveling, but staying away from New Orleans, and that was a great distraction for me. At least I had something to do with all the extra money from putting in so many hours. I still think about my rape every day....though most days I am able to distract myself pretty quickly. I guess that part isn't going to ever go away, but I can deal with that. I don't try to end my life anymore, I do have times when I feel incredible sadness, but I just lock myself in my house and take meds to let me sleep it off. Unfortunately, by me fighting to find my way through all of this, I ended up alone. I have my family, but my mother is the only one who knows everything I have been through. My best friend, that got me through the worst of it (most of the time without even knowing she did anything to help) is basically out of my life now. I see her occasionally at work, but I haven't made plans or had her over in over a year. I came to the realization that my rape changed my entire world. Not only was I violated by some guy with fucked up hair, frat boy mentality and the thoughts in his head that he was some sort of God and he could do what he pleased without someone at least pointing out that one of these days he won't get away with assaulting women...but my world back here at home is completely shattered. When I think back to 2 years ago and the friends I had and the carefree attitude I had toward most things, I realize how much I really lost. In September, my stepfather passed away suddenly of a heart attack. My mother was out of town and I had to call to tell her. Im the strongest in my family, so I take on all of the hard stuff and try to spare my sisters. I had to hold it together and be strong for my mother, who has had so much more loss in her life than any 55 year old should have. I still hear the "noise" (if thats what you can call it) she made when I told her he didn't make it. I had to hold it together for my mom, I couldn't show her how sad I was....I was the one she needed to lean on. When I finally broke, I realized I had no one to lean on. I was alone. I had no one left in my life that I could turn to, no one that could just sit there and talk to or cry with. My stepfathers death forced me to come to the realization that I had become alone in this world. My best friend was distant at best, my sisters have no idea of my torment over the last few years. I ended things with a man I was seeing because I couldn't handle that he knew every detail of my rape and my struggle. I told him everything. He went back to New Orleans with me twice to try to get my case to go through. I left him because he knew too much and had turned into a constant reminder of my rape. My best friend met someone and is happy as ever, my sisters are oblivious to anything that goes on with me on an emotional basis (its now actually a family joke that I am an emotionless bitch), and my ex is dating someone new and as much as I want to be happy for him , i feel nothing but hatred. So i realized I needed to suck it up. Force myself back out into the world. And what better way to do that than to force my way back to the place that ended my world as I knew it. I went back to New Orleans and I had a blast. Not one tear shed. It felt completely like old, careless times. Just me, my sister and our friend, out enjoying anything and everything life in New Orleans has to offer. Im cutting down all the medication, I am sick of feeling numb and apathetic toward everything. I am trying to make plans and stick to them. I am determined to get back to being the person I was....and a little bit better of course. :)

update

April 20, 2012

Its been some time since I last wrote. I wish I could tell you it was because things were all good. But, things are good in the sense that I havent had the urge to kill myself in quite some time....so there's some progress.

I have become incredibly stressed out. In trying to avoid "downtime" I have been working 7 days a week and when Im not working I am constantly working on my new place. As long as Im busy, my thoughts seem to stay focused on the present for the most part.

I hear that stress can do a real number one a persons body. You can lose your hair, gain or lose weight, end up with a deficient immune system..... I am not sure stress from all of this is what cause my most recent medical issue, but I cant help but wonder. I cant help but wonder if my body is so weak from all of these crazy thoughts and worry that it physically just gave out. Somehow my ovary got twisted, and for those women who have had this happen before it was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I was just fully recovered from my surgery back in September....the last time my body failed me. I was starting to be ok again, getting back to the gym, hanging out with people again, etc.....and then my body just failed again.
I was so determined to avoid downtime that I went back to work 2 days later. It was hard, painful and exhausting....but at least I was able to keep focus on something and not let the thoughts creep into my head.

I had a mental breakdown last week. First emergency surgery and then....a mouse decided to take up residence in my air mass flow censor/filter and chew through my wiring. I broke down on the highway at 5 AM on my way into work. That was my tipping point. I became so emotionally weak. Everything bad was happening to me so close together. Emotionally weak means those thoughts I had been trying to avoid for so long all come rushing into my head....there was no stopping them. I completely lost it.

Thoughts of how I got screwed over by the NOPD as well as the ADA. Thoughts of how my rapist got away with it. Thoughts of how weak of a person Kevin was for not stepping in, not saying a word....for just going along with it ....and going on with his life as if nothing happened.

Its my 30th birthday in September. Every time one of my friends turned 30 we would go to New Orleans to celebrate. I thought I would be ok with going back, heck, I have been back twice since my rape....but both of those times were to speak with and pressure the ADA. To let her know I wasnt going away. Now, when I think about going back it makes my stomach turn. I cant bring myself to go back. Completely irrational on my part. The "man" that raped me isnt from New Orleans, I shouldn't be uncomfortable going back. But the thing is, that whole city is just a reminder of my rape. I could do with less reminders.

After my breakdown I went to my Dr. Another good sign that I dont want to kill myself anymore. She thinks im depressed. Big surprise there. Its an unfortunate reality that being raped leads to depression. So, another pill to take. Skeptical as usual I started taking it a week ago. I know these things usually take time to feel the effects, but yesterday I felt like I had a really great day. I left work early, got a little shopping done, met my sister for lunch. I really do feel better and as strange as it may sound, my chest feels a little lighter and I can take a full breath again

Stay Strong :)

Do I end up happy?

Jan 24, 2012
Do I end up happy seems to come to mind today. What is to become of this thing I am doing, what I am doing sure isn't living....so what is it then? Coping? Deflecting? Surviving? Ignorning?

I thought th point to having a life was to live it, but all these things mentioned above seem to be what I'm doing in place of living. All thanks to a bad decision, placing my trust in the wrong people, a rapist who couldn't get sex from a woman without forcefully taking it, a lazy, rude, incompetant police department and a lazy un-willing to help ADA.

Can I find my way back to living? Can I find my way back to happiness?
I haven't written in quite some time now- reason being I am trying a new theory....that seems to be all I can do to try to get some sort of life back...theorize.

I gave my computer away, my one and only link to this blog seeing how I don't like to use my phone to do it. So, in theory, if I have no computer, I have no were to express what I am feeling, I have no outlet. The logic by taking away my one and only release was to find another way. You cannot go through life with one thing holding you on your feet. And for the good part of a year, my blog got me out of bed and held me up.

But I am better than that. Living life grabbing on to one thing to keep me saine. While my blog was helping, it was also a constan, lingering, reminder that I had been raped. Every day I felt the need to write was because I was raped, then I suddenly realized that on the days I didn't feel I needed to write, on the days where life seemed almost normal...knowing I I had this blog stood as a reminder that I was raped.

I have finally accepted that nothing will ever come of my case, I have also accepted that mulling and mourning over that fact will not help me recover. I gave my computer away as the last constant reminder of my rape. I no long see this animals face anymore (I could pass him on the street and not know who he was). And even that image of his god-forsaken hair that I had found so hilarious is gone.

I no longer have to take ativan to sleep every night.

I guess psychologists would call this the acceptance phase.

I no longer need to rely on just one thing to get me through my days.

And to the person that posted about their partner leaving them after bing raped, you are much better off than you realize.
In time you would have grown to resent this person for one of 2 reasons, they would have been walking on eggshells around you, or pressure you into doing things you are simply just not ready to do. Having a parter stay with you makes you feelings even more deep, you have enough going on in you head, you do not need the extra pressure of caring about someone elses feelings on top of that. This is you time to be selfish and take care of youself over anyone else. I truly feel your partner did you a favor (even tho it may not feel that way now).

I am so sorry you have to go through this- know that everything you are feeling is normal and never feel shameful for the way you feel or at times lash out.

Some things

Friday 12/9/11

Some things, you just don't come back from.  Plain and simple

existing

Tues Nov 29, 2011

A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection.   I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage.   I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.  
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff.  It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time.  I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy. 
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night.  I found myself annoyed  for the most part, with pretty much just being in public.  I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends,  I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying. 
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.  

What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun.  I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :) 
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again.  Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.

My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news.  The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon,  something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute.  At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it.   So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.

I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried.  I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.

One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....

I have no Kitchen

Sunday Nov 20, 2011

I have been on edge for over a week now.  I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off

I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.

Take today as another example.  I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking.  My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan.  I flipped out.  Ran around the house slamming things until she left. 
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles. 

I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better.    But that wasnt enough,  after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.  
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this???  No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.

I find myself wondering what the point of life is.  More often than not, life is a struggle.  What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die.  You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar.  When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone. 

Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness,  for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.

a little advice

Nov 5 2011

Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok


I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left.  There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well.  This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice  
I get it.  The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it.  They cant write either, I get that too.  

Here is a little background on me.  I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public.  I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it.  If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation. 

I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life.  As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you. 

That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world.  I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...

My Advice:  like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims.  I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape.  When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up.  There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.

I found that writing, for me, was my  best outlet.  As I said earlier.....I am not a writer.  I havent written anything of substance in my life.  The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help.  No one is looking at me with pity.  At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
 Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me,  I found it to be a necessity.   After I was raped, I was looking for help.  My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were.  How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance.   I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything.  There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance.  There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"   
So I decided to do something about it.  My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort. 

Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you.  It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written.  Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic. 

As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps.  Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better.  Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does. 

Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true.  I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.

I hope this helps .  please keep me updated on how you are doing :)

One Full Year

Monday, Sept 26, 2011

A full year has gone by since my rape.   I have been dreading this day.  I have been wondering if I whether or not I would make it to this date alive. 

Surprisingly today was an ok day.  My thoughts didnt wander too much, i didnt sit in a dark room feeling sorry for myself. 
There was a time I was sure I wouldnt be alive once this day came.....a few suicide attempts didnt do it, so I rest my hopes were on not waking up from a surgical procedure I had a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately I woke up....and in tons of pain.

These past few weeks I have been so drugged out of my mind that I really didnt think much about my rape and how poorly the DA and NOPD treated me.  But now that the pain has subsided, the thoughts are coming back in full force.

I still cant sleep at night, one full year later I still lay down to relax and fall asleep and my thoughts always shift  back to every aspect of my rape...making my mind race causing inability to sleep. 

I havent been following any articles on the NOPD because I am doing my best to move past this, and by looking I make myself obsess more and more and that just isnt healthy.  But I can say I am 100% positive that those "steps" they claimed to have taken to remedy the issues of police handling rape situations has been put off to the side, long forgotten......until it happens again,.....until it happens again where one strong woman is raped and decides that the NOPD didnt treat her fairly and properly, and the DA will be too lazy to bring About even a misdemeanor charge that could be proven without a shadow of a doubt.  And when that strong woman has the courage to speak out and draw attention to the issue.......maybe she will get someone to listen and succeed where I failed.. 
I truly believe another woman will come along , willing to stand up for herself and when she does, I hope to hear about it so I can join her fight in any way I can-  helping her will be hard, I have done so much to try to forget any and everything that happened to me, but if she is willing to fight,, I will face my demons and fight with her.
It will be a shame that this woman would have to go through this, but the NOPD hasnt changed and if she is strong enough to stand up to them, maybe she could force another look at the changes that were looked at and brushed to the side when I spoke out.


Thanks for listening/....heres to a new year of life for me

Its almost that time

9/5/11

Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see.  The month, a year from when I was raped.  

I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office.  A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape.  Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.  
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life.   This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long.  Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me.  Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.

Nights are the worst for me.  I cant sleep.  I lay down but I cant relax  .  When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head.  I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep.  How ridiculous is this.  I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves.   Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.

I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between.  Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world.  During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky.  Luckily my boss is understanding  I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.

I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore.  I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play.  Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on.  I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape.   I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office. 

Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place.   I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.

I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it.  But the comments that were posted brought me to tears.  My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling. 

It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write.  It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape.  Its strange.  I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down. 
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible.  The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory.  My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.

I thought I was over this

Monday 8/15/11

I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning .  I get  up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.

This is my life most days.  Some days are good, most are just sad.

I dont really see the point in my existence.  I barely do anything anymore.  And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.

I wound up getting sick again,  I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it.  There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief,  I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)

I miss who I used to be

Moday August 8

Im finding myself angry pretty much all of the time.  My life isnt carefree and fun like it used to be
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier  
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape

I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me

I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out.  Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long.   I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to  .   I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so.  Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.

As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of.  Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work  or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .  
Do i regret writing?  Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say

I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same.  I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my  best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her.  She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time  .  My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone.  I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them .  I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in .  On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.

Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through-  my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point  most favorite city in the country,  the thought of it makes me nauseous.  Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape.  I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something.  I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed,  kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over.    Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life.   \
Another time i was watching a movie with my  mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to

Ive been down a lot lately.  All I do is work and watch tv.  I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now.  I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything.  I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.

I just want my old life back.  I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again

Thanks for listening

Monday June 20,2011

I went to visit my father yesterday for fathers day.
He has been gone for 8 years now, but every fathers day I go visit him.

This year was the most difficult year I have had.  My family bought the plot next to where my father is buried.  This plot was so that my mother could be buried next to him when she passes away... we didnt want him to be alone out there.
But when I got to his grave site and looked at the empty space next to it, I couldnt help but imagine that I am going to be the one that ends up there.  I have made many attempts and had many thoughts about killing myself.

I still get nauseous when the thoughts find a way to creep back into my mind.  I feel nauseous about the freak that raped me and his stupid hair, I feel nauseous that his friends and the guy I thought was my friend did nothing to help.  I feel nauseous at the incompetence of the Orleans Parish DA's office.  I feel nauseous that the only thing I can due is sue the piece of shit.  He will never be held criminally liable for any of this.

I do have to say that details are getting fuzzier and fuzzier as time goes by, and that, is a blessing. The only thing I remember about my rapist was that he had stupid hair and he clearly thought he was a lot better looking than he is.  I do remember the details of how poorly I was treated by the NOPD, and the Orleans Parish DA's office....that still gets my stomach turning.

I cant bring myself to go back to that city. And its not due to fear of violence, its more that I am so angry at the agencies that were supposed to help me.  I am purely disgusted with everything about how my case was treated.  One of my favorite cities now makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going back there.

My thoughts dont creep into my head as much as they used to during the day.  I am incredibly busy at my job, so I always have something to focus on....not to mention this new woman I work with is a complete idiot and i am stuck answering about 13000 questions a day......she gets the brunt of my frustration .

The worst time for me is at night, when i am trying to relax and get some sleep....thats when the thoughts really start to come out.....i usually have to take an ativan just to get my mind to stop racing.
More often than not, i find myself wishing i would just kill myself so I wouldnt have to go through all of this.  Having to walk around with this in my head all day, every day is getting pretty tiring. 
I think about killing myself at least twice a week , I guess thats a few steps up from wanting to die everyday.

But sitting at my fathers grave did give me comfort in knowing that if I decide that this is all too much and that I dont want to carry on like this, I wont be alone.  I will be in that plot, right next to him and i will be safe.  I will be at peace