Monday 3/7/11-
I cant even remember the last time I posted...It has been quite a while. My best guess is early February when I had my breakdown after my vacation to Hawaii.
You can probably tell by my lack of writing I am doing better. I think the jet lag and exhaustion were just a little too much for me and severely heightened my emotions.
I can tell you there are 2 main reasons my writing has stopped....One, incredibly more significant than the other.
First- My ex reads this blog like it is the air he breathes. He read it daily when we were together, so Im sure, now that we are apart, he reads to find out how I am doing and what is going on in my life. We dont speak at all anymore....we had a difference in opinion on some things and I decided I couldnt have him in my life anymore.....he was very emotional about a lot of things, and in all honesty I am being selfish because I just dont have it in me to care or worry about anyone but myself. So one thing leads to another and I dont speak with him......and I also really dont want him knowing what is going on in my life.....So I stopped writing. He is not the only reason for my break from the world of blogging though. ...... trust me, Ive my emotions hadnt somewhat stabilized I would still write despite his unseemingly endless need to know my life.
Second- and most important reason-
I remember, back when I first started posting everything, one of my biggest questions is why don't more victims get their stories out there? Why dont rape victims post their experience to the world so others in the same position can be helped......... Im pretty sure I have my answer.
Good things start to happen again. Life doesnt stop (although there where a few times in which i tried to make it) - In all reality, the good things in life never stopped......I just couldnt see the good in them. I couldnt see through my anger, rage , sadness etc, ..that good things were still happening, they were just another annoyance in a day I was just doing my best to get through. But somewhere after my breakdown in early February things started to change. I got myself back together, regained my composure and got on with my life. I started to recognize that good things were happening, i wasnt just seeing them as a part of everyday life that were meaningless and annoying anymore.
That heavy pit in my chest isnt there all that much anymore. I cant remember the last time I had to take an ativan...or the last time I even had a panic attack. I started getting out of the house more. Ive met some new people that turned out to be pretty ok. Somewhere, in the cold, snowy winter I found myself getting out of the house and surrounding myself with people.....I actually go out to dinner some nights now...not a huge accomplishment but hey...... Good things dont stop, victims just stop noticing them. For me, I finally stopped ignoring them and Im starting to enjoy my life again...I know there will be times where I relapse into thinking this world is shit, but for now, I am going to take this new found happiness and run as far with it as I can.......
Which leads me back to my lack of writing- I used writing as a coping mechanism. Something to get me through those days that I didnt necessarily want to make it through. Writing was my way to survive....and I hope that posting what I went through was able to help even just one person. I hope more rape victims will do what I have done and post everything they are going through....it brings awareness.....
But now, when I am doing well, I dont feel the need to write. Writing now, just brings me back to that dark place. Its time to move on......I now understand why the few rape victims that have posted, dont post continuously....its just a sad reminder. I will now join them. I will randomly post, when I am having my dark days and need an outlet....but I dont need this blog to help me right now. It will always be here on those days I need to vent.....but right now, it serves mostly as a reminder....and right now I dont need a reminder....my rape is in my head every day......but every day it just gets buried deeper and deeper and I am ok with that.
There is no sense in blogging if it is just going to take me back to that place.
Thank you to all that have read this, and to all that supported me through the worst time in my life. Its time I stop living in my past when everything seems to be getting brighter for me right now. As I previously said,
this is my last post.....until I have a day when I feel I need to use my words to survive. If I no longer have to think of what I am going to post in my blog, I can start moving on with one less reminder of my rape.
So goodbye, hopefully for a while- and thanks again :)
