April 20, 2012
Its been some time since I last wrote. I wish I could tell you it was because things were all good. But, things are good in the sense that I havent had the urge to kill myself in quite some time....so there's some progress.
I have become incredibly stressed out. In trying to avoid "downtime" I have been working 7 days a week and when Im not working I am constantly working on my new place. As long as Im busy, my thoughts seem to stay focused on the present for the most part.
I hear that stress can do a real number one a persons body. You can lose your hair, gain or lose weight, end up with a deficient immune system..... I am not sure stress from all of this is what cause my most recent medical issue, but I cant help but wonder. I cant help but wonder if my body is so weak from all of these crazy thoughts and worry that it physically just gave out. Somehow my ovary got twisted, and for those women who have had this happen before it was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I was just fully recovered from my surgery back in September....the last time my body failed me. I was starting to be ok again, getting back to the gym, hanging out with people again, etc.....and then my body just failed again.
I was so determined to avoid downtime that I went back to work 2 days later. It was hard, painful and exhausting....but at least I was able to keep focus on something and not let the thoughts creep into my head.
I had a mental breakdown last week. First emergency surgery and then....a mouse decided to take up residence in my air mass flow censor/filter and chew through my wiring. I broke down on the highway at 5 AM on my way into work. That was my tipping point. I became so emotionally weak. Everything bad was happening to me so close together. Emotionally weak means those thoughts I had been trying to avoid for so long all come rushing into my head....there was no stopping them. I completely lost it.
Thoughts of how I got screwed over by the NOPD as well as the ADA. Thoughts of how my rapist got away with it. Thoughts of how weak of a person Kevin was for not stepping in, not saying a word....for just going along with it ....and going on with his life as if nothing happened.
Its my 30th birthday in September. Every time one of my friends turned 30 we would go to New Orleans to celebrate. I thought I would be ok with going back, heck, I have been back twice since my rape....but both of those times were to speak with and pressure the ADA. To let her know I wasnt going away. Now, when I think about going back it makes my stomach turn. I cant bring myself to go back. Completely irrational on my part. The "man" that raped me isnt from New Orleans, I shouldn't be uncomfortable going back. But the thing is, that whole city is just a reminder of my rape. I could do with less reminders.
After my breakdown I went to my Dr. Another good sign that I dont want to kill myself anymore. She thinks im depressed. Big surprise there. Its an unfortunate reality that being raped leads to depression. So, another pill to take. Skeptical as usual I started taking it a week ago. I know these things usually take time to feel the effects, but yesterday I felt like I had a really great day. I left work early, got a little shopping done, met my sister for lunch. I really do feel better and as strange as it may sound, my chest feels a little lighter and I can take a full breath again
Stay Strong :)
