Suck it up buttercup 12/3/12

Again, not sure when the last time I posted was.....seems like forever ago I went back. Plain and simple. Not to fight for my rights that were completely violated, not to put myself through any more psychological torment. I just went back to a place I once loved. It may have taken me 2 years, but I was finally able to go back to a city that used to feel like home. I got to walk around and see all the places that I had so many memories, and some new places where I got to make new ones. I got to go back to the Dome and watch the Saints play - I missed the sounds of that place , and I got to see them beat the Falcons :) 2 years of medication to stablize my mood and keep me from breaking. 2 years to push everyone in my life that I cared about away. 2 years of working non stop and shutting the world out. I kept traveling, but staying away from New Orleans, and that was a great distraction for me. At least I had something to do with all the extra money from putting in so many hours. I still think about my rape every day....though most days I am able to distract myself pretty quickly. I guess that part isn't going to ever go away, but I can deal with that. I don't try to end my life anymore, I do have times when I feel incredible sadness, but I just lock myself in my house and take meds to let me sleep it off. Unfortunately, by me fighting to find my way through all of this, I ended up alone. I have my family, but my mother is the only one who knows everything I have been through. My best friend, that got me through the worst of it (most of the time without even knowing she did anything to help) is basically out of my life now. I see her occasionally at work, but I haven't made plans or had her over in over a year. I came to the realization that my rape changed my entire world. Not only was I violated by some guy with fucked up hair, frat boy mentality and the thoughts in his head that he was some sort of God and he could do what he pleased without someone at least pointing out that one of these days he won't get away with assaulting women...but my world back here at home is completely shattered. When I think back to 2 years ago and the friends I had and the carefree attitude I had toward most things, I realize how much I really lost. In September, my stepfather passed away suddenly of a heart attack. My mother was out of town and I had to call to tell her. Im the strongest in my family, so I take on all of the hard stuff and try to spare my sisters. I had to hold it together and be strong for my mother, who has had so much more loss in her life than any 55 year old should have. I still hear the "noise" (if thats what you can call it) she made when I told her he didn't make it. I had to hold it together for my mom, I couldn't show her how sad I was....I was the one she needed to lean on. When I finally broke, I realized I had no one to lean on. I was alone. I had no one left in my life that I could turn to, no one that could just sit there and talk to or cry with. My stepfathers death forced me to come to the realization that I had become alone in this world. My best friend was distant at best, my sisters have no idea of my torment over the last few years. I ended things with a man I was seeing because I couldn't handle that he knew every detail of my rape and my struggle. I told him everything. He went back to New Orleans with me twice to try to get my case to go through. I left him because he knew too much and had turned into a constant reminder of my rape. My best friend met someone and is happy as ever, my sisters are oblivious to anything that goes on with me on an emotional basis (its now actually a family joke that I am an emotionless bitch), and my ex is dating someone new and as much as I want to be happy for him , i feel nothing but hatred. So i realized I needed to suck it up. Force myself back out into the world. And what better way to do that than to force my way back to the place that ended my world as I knew it. I went back to New Orleans and I had a blast. Not one tear shed. It felt completely like old, careless times. Just me, my sister and our friend, out enjoying anything and everything life in New Orleans has to offer. Im cutting down all the medication, I am sick of feeling numb and apathetic toward everything. I am trying to make plans and stick to them. I am determined to get back to being the person I was....and a little bit better of course. :)

update

April 20, 2012

Its been some time since I last wrote. I wish I could tell you it was because things were all good. But, things are good in the sense that I havent had the urge to kill myself in quite some time....so there's some progress.

I have become incredibly stressed out. In trying to avoid "downtime" I have been working 7 days a week and when Im not working I am constantly working on my new place. As long as Im busy, my thoughts seem to stay focused on the present for the most part.

I hear that stress can do a real number one a persons body. You can lose your hair, gain or lose weight, end up with a deficient immune system..... I am not sure stress from all of this is what cause my most recent medical issue, but I cant help but wonder. I cant help but wonder if my body is so weak from all of these crazy thoughts and worry that it physically just gave out. Somehow my ovary got twisted, and for those women who have had this happen before it was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I was just fully recovered from my surgery back in September....the last time my body failed me. I was starting to be ok again, getting back to the gym, hanging out with people again, etc.....and then my body just failed again.
I was so determined to avoid downtime that I went back to work 2 days later. It was hard, painful and exhausting....but at least I was able to keep focus on something and not let the thoughts creep into my head.

I had a mental breakdown last week. First emergency surgery and then....a mouse decided to take up residence in my air mass flow censor/filter and chew through my wiring. I broke down on the highway at 5 AM on my way into work. That was my tipping point. I became so emotionally weak. Everything bad was happening to me so close together. Emotionally weak means those thoughts I had been trying to avoid for so long all come rushing into my head....there was no stopping them. I completely lost it.

Thoughts of how I got screwed over by the NOPD as well as the ADA. Thoughts of how my rapist got away with it. Thoughts of how weak of a person Kevin was for not stepping in, not saying a word....for just going along with it ....and going on with his life as if nothing happened.

Its my 30th birthday in September. Every time one of my friends turned 30 we would go to New Orleans to celebrate. I thought I would be ok with going back, heck, I have been back twice since my rape....but both of those times were to speak with and pressure the ADA. To let her know I wasnt going away. Now, when I think about going back it makes my stomach turn. I cant bring myself to go back. Completely irrational on my part. The "man" that raped me isnt from New Orleans, I shouldn't be uncomfortable going back. But the thing is, that whole city is just a reminder of my rape. I could do with less reminders.

After my breakdown I went to my Dr. Another good sign that I dont want to kill myself anymore. She thinks im depressed. Big surprise there. Its an unfortunate reality that being raped leads to depression. So, another pill to take. Skeptical as usual I started taking it a week ago. I know these things usually take time to feel the effects, but yesterday I felt like I had a really great day. I left work early, got a little shopping done, met my sister for lunch. I really do feel better and as strange as it may sound, my chest feels a little lighter and I can take a full breath again

Stay Strong :)

Do I end up happy?

Jan 24, 2012
Do I end up happy seems to come to mind today. What is to become of this thing I am doing, what I am doing sure isn't living....so what is it then? Coping? Deflecting? Surviving? Ignorning?

I thought th point to having a life was to live it, but all these things mentioned above seem to be what I'm doing in place of living. All thanks to a bad decision, placing my trust in the wrong people, a rapist who couldn't get sex from a woman without forcefully taking it, a lazy, rude, incompetant police department and a lazy un-willing to help ADA.

Can I find my way back to living? Can I find my way back to happiness?
I haven't written in quite some time now- reason being I am trying a new theory....that seems to be all I can do to try to get some sort of life back...theorize.

I gave my computer away, my one and only link to this blog seeing how I don't like to use my phone to do it. So, in theory, if I have no computer, I have no were to express what I am feeling, I have no outlet. The logic by taking away my one and only release was to find another way. You cannot go through life with one thing holding you on your feet. And for the good part of a year, my blog got me out of bed and held me up.

But I am better than that. Living life grabbing on to one thing to keep me saine. While my blog was helping, it was also a constan, lingering, reminder that I had been raped. Every day I felt the need to write was because I was raped, then I suddenly realized that on the days I didn't feel I needed to write, on the days where life seemed almost normal...knowing I I had this blog stood as a reminder that I was raped.

I have finally accepted that nothing will ever come of my case, I have also accepted that mulling and mourning over that fact will not help me recover. I gave my computer away as the last constant reminder of my rape. I no long see this animals face anymore (I could pass him on the street and not know who he was). And even that image of his god-forsaken hair that I had found so hilarious is gone.

I no longer have to take ativan to sleep every night.

I guess psychologists would call this the acceptance phase.

I no longer need to rely on just one thing to get me through my days.

And to the person that posted about their partner leaving them after bing raped, you are much better off than you realize.
In time you would have grown to resent this person for one of 2 reasons, they would have been walking on eggshells around you, or pressure you into doing things you are simply just not ready to do. Having a parter stay with you makes you feelings even more deep, you have enough going on in you head, you do not need the extra pressure of caring about someone elses feelings on top of that. This is you time to be selfish and take care of youself over anyone else. I truly feel your partner did you a favor (even tho it may not feel that way now).

I am so sorry you have to go through this- know that everything you are feeling is normal and never feel shameful for the way you feel or at times lash out.