Suck it up buttercup 12/3/12

Again, not sure when the last time I posted was.....seems like forever ago I went back. Plain and simple. Not to fight for my rights that were completely violated, not to put myself through any more psychological torment. I just went back to a place I once loved. It may have taken me 2 years, but I was finally able to go back to a city that used to feel like home. I got to walk around and see all the places that I had so many memories, and some new places where I got to make new ones. I got to go back to the Dome and watch the Saints play - I missed the sounds of that place , and I got to see them beat the Falcons :) 2 years of medication to stablize my mood and keep me from breaking. 2 years to push everyone in my life that I cared about away. 2 years of working non stop and shutting the world out. I kept traveling, but staying away from New Orleans, and that was a great distraction for me. At least I had something to do with all the extra money from putting in so many hours. I still think about my rape every day....though most days I am able to distract myself pretty quickly. I guess that part isn't going to ever go away, but I can deal with that. I don't try to end my life anymore, I do have times when I feel incredible sadness, but I just lock myself in my house and take meds to let me sleep it off. Unfortunately, by me fighting to find my way through all of this, I ended up alone. I have my family, but my mother is the only one who knows everything I have been through. My best friend, that got me through the worst of it (most of the time without even knowing she did anything to help) is basically out of my life now. I see her occasionally at work, but I haven't made plans or had her over in over a year. I came to the realization that my rape changed my entire world. Not only was I violated by some guy with fucked up hair, frat boy mentality and the thoughts in his head that he was some sort of God and he could do what he pleased without someone at least pointing out that one of these days he won't get away with assaulting women...but my world back here at home is completely shattered. When I think back to 2 years ago and the friends I had and the carefree attitude I had toward most things, I realize how much I really lost. In September, my stepfather passed away suddenly of a heart attack. My mother was out of town and I had to call to tell her. Im the strongest in my family, so I take on all of the hard stuff and try to spare my sisters. I had to hold it together and be strong for my mother, who has had so much more loss in her life than any 55 year old should have. I still hear the "noise" (if thats what you can call it) she made when I told her he didn't make it. I had to hold it together for my mom, I couldn't show her how sad I was....I was the one she needed to lean on. When I finally broke, I realized I had no one to lean on. I was alone. I had no one left in my life that I could turn to, no one that could just sit there and talk to or cry with. My stepfathers death forced me to come to the realization that I had become alone in this world. My best friend was distant at best, my sisters have no idea of my torment over the last few years. I ended things with a man I was seeing because I couldn't handle that he knew every detail of my rape and my struggle. I told him everything. He went back to New Orleans with me twice to try to get my case to go through. I left him because he knew too much and had turned into a constant reminder of my rape. My best friend met someone and is happy as ever, my sisters are oblivious to anything that goes on with me on an emotional basis (its now actually a family joke that I am an emotionless bitch), and my ex is dating someone new and as much as I want to be happy for him , i feel nothing but hatred. So i realized I needed to suck it up. Force myself back out into the world. And what better way to do that than to force my way back to the place that ended my world as I knew it. I went back to New Orleans and I had a blast. Not one tear shed. It felt completely like old, careless times. Just me, my sister and our friend, out enjoying anything and everything life in New Orleans has to offer. Im cutting down all the medication, I am sick of feeling numb and apathetic toward everything. I am trying to make plans and stick to them. I am determined to get back to being the person I was....and a little bit better of course. :)