April 16 2011
Its been a while.
Dont know if anyone reads this anymore.
Im having a bit of a rough time. No idea why.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the thought of disappointing my family.
I have been fine for quite a bit now. Ive still had the thoughts in the back of my mind.....but nothing overly significant. Nothing to keep me from living my life as normal as possible. I'll be honest. There were a few days where my rape didnt pop into my head more than twice in a day.
All of a sudden my mind has started racing again. Mostly at night, when I dont have anything to focus on.
I have had severe lack of sleep over the past week. Its starting to take its toll. Im exhausted. Im run down. Im crying for what seems to be no reason at all.
Im usually fine being alone. I prefer it that way, but lately , with this lack of sleep, Ive been getting that pit back in my stomach. I have no one to talk to any more. ...not that I really talked about what happened in the first place....
I thought I was over this. I thought I had put everything behind me. To be honest....right now, whats really bothering me and causing my mind to race is the lack of competency of the NOPD and the DA's office. I dont know what actually was more of a violation, my rape, or the lack of effort/respect/competency of these two departments that are supposed to serve and protect. I honestly think I feel more violated by our so called "justice system" than the so called "man" that raped me.
I have everything to live for. I have a great life. My rapist could have taken that away from me....I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion....but now, its more the thought of the NOPD and the DA's office that makes me sick to my stomach. The thoughts of those departments are what keeps me awake at night.
I have accepted that I was raped. I have accepted that I was both physically and mentally assaulted by an insignificant "man" with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen. I have come to terms with that.
What I cant come to terms with is that not only was I physically raped by another "human being" but I have been emotionally raped by two departments that were supposed to protect me. Two departments that were supposed to uphold the law and protect victims.
I cant explain why all of this is hitting me right now....then again I cant really explain anything that has happened since late September. But maybe for now I will need to get back to writing.....to keep me alive.
Writing... to get through my rape, because clearly, as much as I thought I had gotten over everything, I have come right back into the emotional disaster I was in when it first happened.
Thanks for listening.
