Life

I feel bipolar. One minute I am fine, having the time of my life....hanging out with friends, enjoying a life I once thought about ending. The next minute I am hiding in my apartment, afraid to leave, afraid to talk to anyone. It's been years, yet I still call in sick to work to avoid having to deal with people. I don't know it's that I feel guilt for having a good time or ashamed of some reason ...I just can't figure it out. I have alienated any close friends I had, so I have no one to talk to, and any new friends I have , I won't let the close enough to me to get to know who I truly am. I miss my old life. I miss my old friends . I miss going out for a night and enjoying myself without having a care in the world. Yes I have friends, but none of whom truly know me or who I am, what I've been through and how very much alone I feel in life. I hide my sadness . I generally try to stay at home, try to avoid making plans and when I do get convinced to go out , I hide it with humor. The general consensus seems to be if someone is funny and can crack a joke, they must not have a deep, dark sadness inside them.....how could they right ?