What's next?

I wish I knew. This past year I made the effort to leave my house, get out more, do things with more people. I use the word effort because that is exactly what it was. Each and every time I went out to meet friends, I had to talk myself into it, tell myself it will be fun, tell myself I could use some more fun and laughter in my life. And so I went. 2, sometimes 3 times a month I went out on the weekend and met up with some friends, and believe it or not, I had fun. Sounds great....in theory. Each and every time I would go out and have fun, resulted in me retreating from everything but my job. After I go out, I come home, lock the 3 locks I have on my door, close my curtains, turn off my phone and ignore the world. I sit in the dark, I watch tv and accomplish nothing more than slowly day by day creating a dent in my couch crushing in the shape if my ass. In all honesty I feel worse in the days after going out than I would had I just decided to stay in and do nothing. The only thing that I actually feel good about anymore is when I travel. I suppose that's why I am feeling at such a low right now. I haven't been anywhere since May, and even though that was for work, that was the last time I felt I could breathe. I find myself weighing the balance of my life, wondering often what's the point. I've done a really great job at making every on the outside think that I am happy and care-free. Maybe that's why when I get back home I feel so low. It's exhausting putting on a front, trying to hide this dark shadow in my life, that I now accept will never go away. The last time I went out, a friend of a friend, whom I was just meeting for the first time was incredibly rude to me. No one said a word to her, like they just accepted it and moved on, when I went to leave and someone asked why I couldn't even get words out. This falls back to my original thoughts all along, most people are assholes, it's in human nature to put others down. Humans are inherently bad, it's nature, it's why we have a system that places rules of what's right and wrong in front of our faces, and locks away the way the once that don't follow the rules (except for those who get away with rape apparently, rapists get to go free in a world that blames the woman no matter what the circumstance...but I digress) So in this situation, this entire room of people felt it was completely appropriate for he to say the things she said to me and that I was the bad person for getting up and removing myself from a negative situation. That girl, as petty as she was, is the prime reason I stay away from people. I can count the number of true friends I have on both my hands. This girl is also now a reason I have as few less friends today than I had yesterday . I'd like to think I better off, who needs that ridiculous shit in their life, but now, I look at myself, sitting on my couch, swearing off the world....and I wonder what's next? Being alone is not scary, it's something I fine with, but at what point is it going to be too much to bear? People already light-heartedly joke about me being a hermit and I brush it off with a quick laugh and tell them it's the life I choose (little do they know it's a life I feel forced into). I think I have found a solution to my highs and lows. A solution that removes me from the current situation of people judging me for staying in rather than going out and drinking every weekend. A solution that begins with me alone, but ends with me choosing who to hang around with rather than be having to be around the same people all of the time, the same people that have known me forever and have expectations of me that they have no idea the cost to me for following through. I need to leave. I need to move somewhere that I know no one. Somewhere I can feel free to choose who to be around and choose to avoid those that will only bombard me with negativity. Somewhere I won't have friends I've known all my life to disappoint me. So that is what I am going to do. Goodbye to the life and people I know now and hello to a whole new place full of so much potential. A place that will hopefully give me back a life I so desperately want. It comes at a cost, I am leaving everything behind...the place I grew up, a job that I love and some friends that I truly do consider friends, but the hardest if all will be leaving my family. I have to decide, for myself if I can truly do this. If I am strong enough to leave what I know and start brand new in an unfamiliar place. Right now, as I am writing this, packing up and starting new seems like my best option, I just hope my family will understand.