Monday 8/15/11
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moday August 8
Im finding myself angry pretty much all of the time. My life isnt carefree and fun like it used to be
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
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