Monday 8/15/11
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
3 comments:
You are so strong, keep your head up <3
Hi.
I guess this is kind of awkward, a stranger from the internet commenting on your very personal story, but...well...
The way you feel... I feel it to. The depression and crushing, suffocating cold rage isn't so much because of the rape anymore as it is from the ineffectual uncaring authority figures that are supposed to be there to protect you. Me. Us.
One of those most frustrating sources of self loathing I get from this whole mess is from talking about myself too much, so I won't bother with the details. I just wanted to tell you that I too was raped, I too struggled through fear and pain to make my voice heard and I too was brushed aside.
That's probably not very cheerful news, and I really do wish I had something more uplifting to say, but here's my point: you didn't deserve this bullshit anymore that I did. It may not change much, but it is an extremely important fact. And reading your blog is what made me feel safe enough to believe that. I can think all sorts of shitty things about myself, but it's different when you hear that someone you've never even met is going through the exact same things.
You are braver than I was. I didn't report the rape for fifteen months. I wanted to hide from it. Didn't work, but I tried.
I admire you. Your tenacity, your verve. You are amazing, and no one, NO ONE, no matter how awful they are or how often they try, will ever stop you from being as wonderful and worthy of happiness as you are.
So thank you for being you.
Thank you for your words that tell my own story. The person I revered as my mentor chose to rape me after drugging me. About two weeks later he beat me up. I suppose he wanted to shut me up. I too feel persacuted by the local police and DA. It is outrageus that a person can go to prison for years for taking a letter from you mailbox but is set free after taking your sense of , sexuality, and hurts/damages your most sacred parts. Thank you
Post a Comment