Its almost that time

9/5/11

Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see.  The month, a year from when I was raped.  

I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office.  A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape.  Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.  
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life.   This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long.  Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me.  Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.

Nights are the worst for me.  I cant sleep.  I lay down but I cant relax  .  When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head.  I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep.  How ridiculous is this.  I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves.   Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.

I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between.  Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world.  During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky.  Luckily my boss is understanding  I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.

I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore.  I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play.  Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on.  I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape.   I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office. 

Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place.   I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.

I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it.  But the comments that were posted brought me to tears.  My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling. 

It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write.  It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape.  Its strange.  I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down. 
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible.  The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory.  My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.