i get it

Its been years since my rape....I still think about it every day.....little moments creep up in my mind and for the most part I can push them away. I've been back to New Orleans multiple times....every time results in an increase in heart rate and awful thoughts of returning....but I do it anyway. I still love the city.....and this last trip I met some amazing people.....it brought me back to a time when I wasn't afraid to meet people on vacation....a time when motives were never questioned. It felt amazing to make a few friends again and not be afraid of negative intentions. I haven't posted in quite a while....mostly due to the fact that this blog is a glaring reminder of bad decisions and misplaced trust, things you wish you could do over again....times I wish I was physically strong enough to kick his disgusting ass....but recent events have brought something to my attention. I never understood how I could be so public about my rape....to speak to the TV stations and news paper reporters.....I am a very private person ....afraid of spotlight...I usually accept things that happen in life , like they were meant to be....but this time I didn't...and I stood up for myself in a way in which I had no idea I had in me.......recent events have shown me where I got my strength. In 2005 my cousin was murdered by a man who claimed to love her.....when my aunt thought she wouldn't live through it, she stood up and fought. She formed survivor groups, got legislation passed.....she put her grief into something positive for anyone in her same situation.....she fought and spoke out.....her fight helped her survive, helped her heal....... I now realize where my strength came from.....and while I gave up my fight when I should have pressed the issue even further.....at least I fought My advice is fight....even if you think no one is listening