A glimpse into my head

Wed 5/11/11

I still cant sleep.  It is 11:43 PM and I am still up.  Thoughts replaying in my mind.

There has to be a reason I am on this earth.  I should have died back in August, but I didnt.  I find it hard to imagine a world that would save me from death for the sole purpose of having me raped in September.
There has to be something more, I could really use finding out just what that is soon because I am slowly losing all hope.  I am angry, I am sad, I am beyond disgusted that I have made absolutely no impact on how the NOPD handles rape victims and their cases.   I have accomplished nothing, in putting my rape out in public to educate anyone and everyone that will listen.
 I take that back, I have accomplished something.  In my writing as my way of self therapy, I was able to keep myself alive.  I was able to not successfully kill myself , though it wasnt for lack of trying.

I am growing more and more disgusted with the NOPD and the DA's office.

It is still eating at me that not a single officer left me a number to which I could contact them, So that when I got out of the hospital after all my testing I could call.  I had to call precinct to precinct and no one could help, no one could even connect me to any department i would need to speak with.
The only way I got a phone number for an officer was when I was back in the hospital having more pictures taken of new bruises that were showing up.  I started asking how I could contact people, and no one seemed to have a clue.  Luckily a nurse was able to get me a number.

But seriously, how does that happen? 

And another thing that keeps eating away at me is the Asst. DA.  Mary Glass or whatever her name was.
In summary, what she told me was that I wasnt raped because I wasnt in my bedroom, in my own residence.
So everyone be aware, if you are sexually assaulted in a friends house, according to this fine Asst. DA, you are not a victim of rape.
And the NOPD being as fine as they are, will let your rapist fly back home to Arizona the very next day....without informing you that your rapist is still out there and not being held.


I am no longer afraid of people in public that have a resemblance to any of the guys....truth be told the only face I remember anymore is Kevins.....but when you have an interest in  someone, you tend to remember their face....So I am going to probably have to struggle with that the rest of my life....however long or short that may end up being. 

My life isnt what it used to be.  It isnt as fun, there is a lot less laughter.  I deal with things that frustrate me by lashing out at people now.  I still travel, but even that has lost its appeal to me.
I had my trip to Vegas back in early april and I didnt have fun.  I was in bed by 9 pm friday and saturday nights because I didnt feel like doing anything, in a city that I loved so much at one point in my life.
Im heading back to Hawaii in a few weeks....I just need to get out of this town and all the frustrations at my job.  I need time to collect myself and get my shit back together.

All of this.....because of some shithead that thought it would be hilarious to violate me.  I tell myself to just brush it off and get over it.....and most of the time I can.  And honestly this idiot isnt what keeps me awake at night.  My disgust with the NOPD and the DA's office is really what gets at me all the time......and I wouldnt have this disgust for them had it not been for this shithead.   I could care less if my rapist is dead or alive, he did what he did....now he and his friends have to live knowing that.   I can live knowing that if I ever happen to bump in to him that he will be killed by my hands and I will accept punishment for it.  I can also live with me never bumping into him and moving on with my life in as normal way as I can. 
He also has to live with knowing that one day, I will show up in whatever town he happens to be living in at the time.