Monday June 20,2011

I went to visit my father yesterday for fathers day.
He has been gone for 8 years now, but every fathers day I go visit him.

This year was the most difficult year I have had.  My family bought the plot next to where my father is buried.  This plot was so that my mother could be buried next to him when she passes away... we didnt want him to be alone out there.
But when I got to his grave site and looked at the empty space next to it, I couldnt help but imagine that I am going to be the one that ends up there.  I have made many attempts and had many thoughts about killing myself.

I still get nauseous when the thoughts find a way to creep back into my mind.  I feel nauseous about the freak that raped me and his stupid hair, I feel nauseous that his friends and the guy I thought was my friend did nothing to help.  I feel nauseous at the incompetence of the Orleans Parish DA's office.  I feel nauseous that the only thing I can due is sue the piece of shit.  He will never be held criminally liable for any of this.

I do have to say that details are getting fuzzier and fuzzier as time goes by, and that, is a blessing. The only thing I remember about my rapist was that he had stupid hair and he clearly thought he was a lot better looking than he is.  I do remember the details of how poorly I was treated by the NOPD, and the Orleans Parish DA's office....that still gets my stomach turning.

I cant bring myself to go back to that city. And its not due to fear of violence, its more that I am so angry at the agencies that were supposed to help me.  I am purely disgusted with everything about how my case was treated.  One of my favorite cities now makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going back there.

My thoughts dont creep into my head as much as they used to during the day.  I am incredibly busy at my job, so I always have something to focus on....not to mention this new woman I work with is a complete idiot and i am stuck answering about 13000 questions a day......she gets the brunt of my frustration .

The worst time for me is at night, when i am trying to relax and get some sleep....thats when the thoughts really start to come out.....i usually have to take an ativan just to get my mind to stop racing.
More often than not, i find myself wishing i would just kill myself so I wouldnt have to go through all of this.  Having to walk around with this in my head all day, every day is getting pretty tiring. 
I think about killing myself at least twice a week , I guess thats a few steps up from wanting to die everyday.

But sitting at my fathers grave did give me comfort in knowing that if I decide that this is all too much and that I dont want to carry on like this, I wont be alone.  I will be in that plot, right next to him and i will be safe.  I will be at peace