existing

Tues Nov 29, 2011

A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection.   I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage.   I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.  
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff.  It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time.  I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy. 
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night.  I found myself annoyed  for the most part, with pretty much just being in public.  I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends,  I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying. 
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.  

What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun.  I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :) 
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again.  Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.

My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news.  The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon,  something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute.  At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it.   So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.

I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried.  I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.

One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....