I have no Kitchen

Sunday Nov 20, 2011

I have been on edge for over a week now.  I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off

I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.

Take today as another example.  I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking.  My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan.  I flipped out.  Ran around the house slamming things until she left. 
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles. 

I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better.    But that wasnt enough,  after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.  
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this???  No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.

I find myself wondering what the point of life is.  More often than not, life is a struggle.  What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die.  You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar.  When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone. 

Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness,  for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.