what Im thankful for

I'm most thankful my suicide attempts were unsuccessful. In my darkest moments I tried to end my life, saw no point in living if it meant I would be tortured daily in my mind. The mind is incredibly vulnerable and when you are in the lowest levels of dispare, your mind tells you that there is a way to end your suffering....and this comes to the forefront over and over and over. Selfishly I listened and tried to take the easy way out. Had I succeeded I would have missed the massive turn in events in my life. I am the happiest I have been in years. I took a new job that I absolutely love,I've traveled to places I have never been before. I've made some incredible friends in my travels.... I have proven to myself that not all people you meet have a way to take advantage of you brewing in the back of their mind. I would have missed out on watching my nephew grow up, I would have never seen Memphis, Nashville and Puerto Rico. I would have never had the chance to take the job I have now that I find so fulfilling and I would never have met and become friends with my amazing coworkers. I wouldn't have been there to comfort my mother when her fiance suddenly passed away.....she has even told me she didn't think she would have survived it had I not been there for her in one of her darkest moments. If you have been raped, you know the every day torment that goes on in your head. You know the feeling of despare and hopelessness. You know how sometimes even your body begins to fail you. Having attempted suicide myself, my advice to anyone buried under to focus on the future. Focus on your family, take that trip you have always wanted to take.. Think of everything you will miss out on. Don't let your rapest end you. Don't let your rapist rob you of you future, whether it be having children, traveling, or being there when someone you love needs you the most. I can't promise your pain will end in time, hell, I still have multiple times in a day where my mind allows the thoughts and circumstances around my rape to come to the forefront, but I am able to quickly place my focus elsewhere. Time makes functioning each day a little easier. Time distant heal all wounds, but it does at least begin to patch the wound and lessen the effects of the constant thoughts racing through your mind. I can promise, in the future, there will be multiple occasions where you will think to yourself "wow, I am really glad I am still here to see and be a part of this"

i get it

Its been years since my rape....I still think about it every day.....little moments creep up in my mind and for the most part I can push them away. I've been back to New Orleans multiple times....every time results in an increase in heart rate and awful thoughts of returning....but I do it anyway. I still love the city.....and this last trip I met some amazing people.....it brought me back to a time when I wasn't afraid to meet people on vacation....a time when motives were never questioned. It felt amazing to make a few friends again and not be afraid of negative intentions. I haven't posted in quite a while....mostly due to the fact that this blog is a glaring reminder of bad decisions and misplaced trust, things you wish you could do over again....times I wish I was physically strong enough to kick his disgusting ass....but recent events have brought something to my attention. I never understood how I could be so public about my rape....to speak to the TV stations and news paper reporters.....I am a very private person ....afraid of spotlight...I usually accept things that happen in life , like they were meant to be....but this time I didn't...and I stood up for myself in a way in which I had no idea I had in me.......recent events have shown me where I got my strength. In 2005 my cousin was murdered by a man who claimed to love her.....when my aunt thought she wouldn't live through it, she stood up and fought. She formed survivor groups, got legislation passed.....she put her grief into something positive for anyone in her same situation.....she fought and spoke out.....her fight helped her survive, helped her heal....... I now realize where my strength came from.....and while I gave up my fight when I should have pressed the issue even further.....at least I fought My advice is fight....even if you think no one is listening

moving on

I know it has been quite a bit since my last post....not even sure what I said in it. Life has been good lately. I took a new job that I absolutely love, in a town where I truley feel I fit in. Good things seem to be coming my way.... my life is starting to feel the way it was, back to normal and care free. Back to a time when I was able to go out places and have fun and not be afraid to meet new people. I actually went out in my hometown with my sister and a good friend and laughed harder than I have in years. I was stunned to see all the new restaurants and bars that have been built in town....it was definitly not the same city it was before I shut myself in and away from the world. While we were out I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in about 10 years, we sat and caught up on life for over 2 hours...a much needed reminder of the life I had before my rape. A much needed reminder that I miss my old life. A nice kick in the ass, epiphany toilet ( love scrubs for that) moment that I still have a life and I still have friends even though I pushed them all away. I feel like i have been given a chance to take my life back. This new job,new town, reminders of my old life, and old friends that welcome me back like I had never left. I still get the random mind intrusion daily about my rape and the complete idiocy of the surrounding circumstances, but I have found more good in life. Better things to hope for and focus on. When those stomach turning thoughts enter my mind, I quickly shift focus to all of the good that's been happening lately and block out all the bad. I am finally ready to let the world back in. Finally ready to stop hiding in my apartment and start enjoying my life again.

Feb 27 2013

2/27/13 I cant remember, but im pretty sure this is my first post of 2013. Things were dark again for a little, but once again i am fighting for normalcy. I still get random thoughts throughout the day of my rape, my rapist and his friends. Istill have trouble slowing my mind down at night. I do have to say that my trip back to New Orleans in November did great things for me. I was able to be myself again. Able to walk to street and not be afraid. Able to go to the saints game and scream my head off. I made some really great new friends. I cant believe i was going to let my rapist get away with taking away The things i love most in life, travelling and meeting new people. Today, i am writing content and pretty happy. I just got offered a new job, in a new city and i cant wait to start it. My life didn't stop when i was raped....it may have massively spiraled downward for a long time, but now things seem to be looking up again. . Hang in there everyone, there are times, though they dew and far between, that life does get good again