What's next?

I wish I knew. This past year I made the effort to leave my house, get out more, do things with more people. I use the word effort because that is exactly what it was. Each and every time I went out to meet friends, I had to talk myself into it, tell myself it will be fun, tell myself I could use some more fun and laughter in my life. And so I went. 2, sometimes 3 times a month I went out on the weekend and met up with some friends, and believe it or not, I had fun. Sounds great....in theory. Each and every time I would go out and have fun, resulted in me retreating from everything but my job. After I go out, I come home, lock the 3 locks I have on my door, close my curtains, turn off my phone and ignore the world. I sit in the dark, I watch tv and accomplish nothing more than slowly day by day creating a dent in my couch crushing in the shape if my ass. In all honesty I feel worse in the days after going out than I would had I just decided to stay in and do nothing. The only thing that I actually feel good about anymore is when I travel. I suppose that's why I am feeling at such a low right now. I haven't been anywhere since May, and even though that was for work, that was the last time I felt I could breathe. I find myself weighing the balance of my life, wondering often what's the point. I've done a really great job at making every on the outside think that I am happy and care-free. Maybe that's why when I get back home I feel so low. It's exhausting putting on a front, trying to hide this dark shadow in my life, that I now accept will never go away. The last time I went out, a friend of a friend, whom I was just meeting for the first time was incredibly rude to me. No one said a word to her, like they just accepted it and moved on, when I went to leave and someone asked why I couldn't even get words out. This falls back to my original thoughts all along, most people are assholes, it's in human nature to put others down. Humans are inherently bad, it's nature, it's why we have a system that places rules of what's right and wrong in front of our faces, and locks away the way the once that don't follow the rules (except for those who get away with rape apparently, rapists get to go free in a world that blames the woman no matter what the circumstance...but I digress) So in this situation, this entire room of people felt it was completely appropriate for he to say the things she said to me and that I was the bad person for getting up and removing myself from a negative situation. That girl, as petty as she was, is the prime reason I stay away from people. I can count the number of true friends I have on both my hands. This girl is also now a reason I have as few less friends today than I had yesterday . I'd like to think I better off, who needs that ridiculous shit in their life, but now, I look at myself, sitting on my couch, swearing off the world....and I wonder what's next? Being alone is not scary, it's something I fine with, but at what point is it going to be too much to bear? People already light-heartedly joke about me being a hermit and I brush it off with a quick laugh and tell them it's the life I choose (little do they know it's a life I feel forced into). I think I have found a solution to my highs and lows. A solution that removes me from the current situation of people judging me for staying in rather than going out and drinking every weekend. A solution that begins with me alone, but ends with me choosing who to hang around with rather than be having to be around the same people all of the time, the same people that have known me forever and have expectations of me that they have no idea the cost to me for following through. I need to leave. I need to move somewhere that I know no one. Somewhere I can feel free to choose who to be around and choose to avoid those that will only bombard me with negativity. Somewhere I won't have friends I've known all my life to disappoint me. So that is what I am going to do. Goodbye to the life and people I know now and hello to a whole new place full of so much potential. A place that will hopefully give me back a life I so desperately want. It comes at a cost, I am leaving everything behind...the place I grew up, a job that I love and some friends that I truly do consider friends, but the hardest if all will be leaving my family. I have to decide, for myself if I can truly do this. If I am strong enough to leave what I know and start brand new in an unfamiliar place. Right now, as I am writing this, packing up and starting new seems like my best option, I just hope my family will understand.

Life

I feel bipolar. One minute I am fine, having the time of my life....hanging out with friends, enjoying a life I once thought about ending. The next minute I am hiding in my apartment, afraid to leave, afraid to talk to anyone. It's been years, yet I still call in sick to work to avoid having to deal with people. I don't know it's that I feel guilt for having a good time or ashamed of some reason ...I just can't figure it out. I have alienated any close friends I had, so I have no one to talk to, and any new friends I have , I won't let the close enough to me to get to know who I truly am. I miss my old life. I miss my old friends . I miss going out for a night and enjoying myself without having a care in the world. Yes I have friends, but none of whom truly know me or who I am, what I've been through and how very much alone I feel in life. I hide my sadness . I generally try to stay at home, try to avoid making plans and when I do get convinced to go out , I hide it with humor. The general consensus seems to be if someone is funny and can crack a joke, they must not have a deep, dark sadness inside them.....how could they right ?

It's been years

It's been years since my rape. So many amazing things have happened since,yet I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind every day. I decided this was the year I was going to be more social. This was the year I would get back into he world.....and I have, for the most part. Every night when I lay down to sleep, thought of my rape still surface in my mind....years later ! I thought that at some point the thoughts wouldn't creep in, but they do. This past week has been awful, I have had soooo much trouble sleeping I'm to the point of exhaustion. Being so tired enables the thoughts I thought I had buried deep , to surface and bring me to tears. I hate myself for this. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had pushed this all aside. For some reason, tonight, I think about the one NOPD officer that showed me compassion . The one man of many that didn't just rush to judgement and assume I was lying . I am alive today because of that man. I tried to kill myself a handful of times. I would be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed of that, but it's the truth. Most of me thinks that if that one officer hadn't acknowledged my pain, that my attempts on my own life would have been successful. I am still here, I got to see my nephew grow up, I got to see myself succeed in a life that I was sure was over. I found myself happy at times, when I was so full of despair I was sure I would never laugh again. Yet still, here I am, years later still struggling and still finding writing as my only release, my only way to keep my sanity. As I've said before , I never read what I write. I only write now in times where I find myself in a dark place. But each time I randomly sign on, I see that even today, people are still reading what I have written. Still commenting on how this has helped them through the same devastating act of personal violation that is never truly taken seriously. Am I glad my attempts to take my own life failed. Yes. In times of true darkness, I could never imagine the life I am living right now. A life full of so many things I never even thought about when trying to take my own life. So many amazing things have happened since my rape, but the darkness still remains. Every day I wonder if I should just end my life and end the disgusting memories I have of that day and the days following. But now I realize that I have already survived one of the worst things life can throw your way. I am still alive. I am still living my life to the fullest. I am doing things I have always wanted to do before I die.....things I wouldn't have been able to do had I succeeded that night in the hotel room with that razor blade. My life didn't end the night I was raped. It's course definitely took a major shift, but I'm still here. And I am still fighting to get back to he carefree person I used to be. Seeing that this site still has people viewing it every day, even though I only update a few times a year, gives me so much hope. Hope that someone, anyone, that has been through what I have been through has somewhere to turn to for honest answers and comfort in knowing they are not alone. I never thought I had an important place in this world.....turns out, by speaking publicly about my rape and my personal faults and my personal struggle to survive, that I have helped a few people make it through one of the darkest times in their lives......and with that, I can begin to forgive . There have been personal, deep comments left on this blog that I have chosen not to post.... But knowing that I, in even the most remote of ways, I was able to help brings me some peace . But don't get me wrong, that stupid, stupid hair of my rapist still shows up in my mind .....-and still makes me laugh to myself. Find something in your rapist that you can publicly make fun of. I know it sounds beyond petty and superficial, but the laughter will help get you through the tough times

Alone

As good as life can seem to be, there is always something just not right. I can't seem to find someone I want to spend time with. Sure, my job is great, my life is great, but I have few friends. I pushed most away. I have this tough persona with people I know...... I'm emotionless, I could care less about who thinks what of me....as far as anyone is concerned, o am alone by choice, alone because I prefer solitude...but in reality I feel so alone. Everyone thinks I'm strong, everyone thinks I am amazing because I reject a life of the need for friendship or the need for relatonships. I make a joke of feelings and emotions, who needs to deal with that crap anyway. Turns out, being alone isn't as appealing as I have always thought. Being alone is terrifying. I've always known I've never wanted to marry, never wanted children and Ive chosen to let very few people into my life...I've been OK with this. On my experience people are shitty....but ever since my rape, I have pushed anyone that was even remotely close to me away..... Now, I sit here on a Saturday night, on my couch....looking to actually leave my apartment for once....and I have no one to call, and the ones I do call don't have the time for me. I used to have love. People that cared and now I have nothing. I was raped, I fought back, I pulled away from my friends, I am left with no emotional human contact. I count myself lucky that I have found a job I love and can go on with life, but the loneliness that comes along with the violation of rape is maddening. You can't tell your friends of the stupid mistakes you have made, you can't fully be with anyone new, because you can't be honest about the emotional turmoil you have been through. No new relationship will ever be real, because you will always be holding back the truth of your rape. Relationships are based on honesty, but how can you be so blantently honest with someone and trust that they aren't judging you. And if you do tell the truth, how do you know they aren't standing by you out of pity. Strength will get you through your rape, so strength should get you through the loneliness too right?