Alone

As good as life can seem to be, there is always something just not right. I can't seem to find someone I want to spend time with. Sure, my job is great, my life is great, but I have few friends. I pushed most away. I have this tough persona with people I know...... I'm emotionless, I could care less about who thinks what of me....as far as anyone is concerned, o am alone by choice, alone because I prefer solitude...but in reality I feel so alone. Everyone thinks I'm strong, everyone thinks I am amazing because I reject a life of the need for friendship or the need for relatonships. I make a joke of feelings and emotions, who needs to deal with that crap anyway. Turns out, being alone isn't as appealing as I have always thought. Being alone is terrifying. I've always known I've never wanted to marry, never wanted children and Ive chosen to let very few people into my life...I've been OK with this. On my experience people are shitty....but ever since my rape, I have pushed anyone that was even remotely close to me away..... Now, I sit here on a Saturday night, on my couch....looking to actually leave my apartment for once....and I have no one to call, and the ones I do call don't have the time for me. I used to have love. People that cared and now I have nothing. I was raped, I fought back, I pulled away from my friends, I am left with no emotional human contact. I count myself lucky that I have found a job I love and can go on with life, but the loneliness that comes along with the violation of rape is maddening. You can't tell your friends of the stupid mistakes you have made, you can't fully be with anyone new, because you can't be honest about the emotional turmoil you have been through. No new relationship will ever be real, because you will always be holding back the truth of your rape. Relationships are based on honesty, but how can you be so blantently honest with someone and trust that they aren't judging you. And if you do tell the truth, how do you know they aren't standing by you out of pity. Strength will get you through your rape, so strength should get you through the loneliness too right?