It's been years

It's been years since my rape. So many amazing things have happened since,yet I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind every day. I decided this was the year I was going to be more social. This was the year I would get back into he world.....and I have, for the most part. Every night when I lay down to sleep, thought of my rape still surface in my mind....years later ! I thought that at some point the thoughts wouldn't creep in, but they do. This past week has been awful, I have had soooo much trouble sleeping I'm to the point of exhaustion. Being so tired enables the thoughts I thought I had buried deep , to surface and bring me to tears. I hate myself for this. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had pushed this all aside. For some reason, tonight, I think about the one NOPD officer that showed me compassion . The one man of many that didn't just rush to judgement and assume I was lying . I am alive today because of that man. I tried to kill myself a handful of times. I would be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed of that, but it's the truth. Most of me thinks that if that one officer hadn't acknowledged my pain, that my attempts on my own life would have been successful. I am still here, I got to see my nephew grow up, I got to see myself succeed in a life that I was sure was over. I found myself happy at times, when I was so full of despair I was sure I would never laugh again. Yet still, here I am, years later still struggling and still finding writing as my only release, my only way to keep my sanity. As I've said before , I never read what I write. I only write now in times where I find myself in a dark place. But each time I randomly sign on, I see that even today, people are still reading what I have written. Still commenting on how this has helped them through the same devastating act of personal violation that is never truly taken seriously. Am I glad my attempts to take my own life failed. Yes. In times of true darkness, I could never imagine the life I am living right now. A life full of so many things I never even thought about when trying to take my own life. So many amazing things have happened since my rape, but the darkness still remains. Every day I wonder if I should just end my life and end the disgusting memories I have of that day and the days following. But now I realize that I have already survived one of the worst things life can throw your way. I am still alive. I am still living my life to the fullest. I am doing things I have always wanted to do before I die.....things I wouldn't have been able to do had I succeeded that night in the hotel room with that razor blade. My life didn't end the night I was raped. It's course definitely took a major shift, but I'm still here. And I am still fighting to get back to he carefree person I used to be. Seeing that this site still has people viewing it every day, even though I only update a few times a year, gives me so much hope. Hope that someone, anyone, that has been through what I have been through has somewhere to turn to for honest answers and comfort in knowing they are not alone. I never thought I had an important place in this world.....turns out, by speaking publicly about my rape and my personal faults and my personal struggle to survive, that I have helped a few people make it through one of the darkest times in their lives......and with that, I can begin to forgive . There have been personal, deep comments left on this blog that I have chosen not to post.... But knowing that I, in even the most remote of ways, I was able to help brings me some peace . But don't get me wrong, that stupid, stupid hair of my rapist still shows up in my mind .....-and still makes me laugh to myself. Find something in your rapist that you can publicly make fun of. I know it sounds beyond petty and superficial, but the laughter will help get you through the tough times