11/4/10
Dear friends of my rapist- I had a very productive day today. I didnt get the information I wanted, but the information I got will have to do for now.
Dear friends of my rapist- I know the names and addresses of where you work.
Dear friends of my rapist- I know where you went to college.......and law school for one
Dear friends of my rapist- I know what fraternities you were in
Dear friend of my rapist- I know the year you passed the bar.....July 08' sound familiar
Dear friends of my rapist- this can all go away if I just get the name. If not, im pretty positive all of this information will be made public . Can you handle people from over 25 different countries that are reading this knowing that A) you're friends with a rapist and B) none of you are decent enough to help the woman he raped
Dear friends of my rapist- all I want is his name and you can forget all about me
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Ever Have One of Those Days?
6:51 11/3/10
Ever have one of those days.....where everything goes so right and just falls into place?
When even if a problem came up, you still manage to stay in a phenominal mood and take care of it?
Thats today for me. I cant remember the last time I had this much energy....its amazing what actually being able to sleep through an entire night can do for a girl
I should have been miserable today....all day getting hit with more and more work....yet somehow i didnt care, stayed a little late, and got it all done. No big deal.
Ever have one of those days where your car ride home from work is a playlist you would have picked yourself? Where every song that comes on is one of your favorite songs and the more in a row that come on the louder and louder you sing and smile, well just cuz you plain love singing when no ones in the car with you.
I found out that driving may be where my best ideas come to light....maybe next trip to New Orleans I will drive the whole way....im pretty sure I could come up with a whole list of ways to make someones life hell until I get answers. Oh yeah, did I mention....that while Ive been having this amazing day, and had this fantastic car ride full of fabulous music going on.....I had another Epiphany Moment.....
I dont know what it is about driving...but damn.....
And as if I didnt feel dumb enough that my trust in other people resulted in me being raped....I cant believe I hadnt thought of this before.....i have been stressing over getting this "man's" name......and it just came to me in this car ride....Im pretty sure I have a way to get it.....I will keep you updated because I am hoping above all else that I am right...and by this time tomorrow I will have his name.
Time for dinner....sorry if this seems a little spastic but I am so excited!
Ever have one of those days.....where everything goes so right and just falls into place?
When even if a problem came up, you still manage to stay in a phenominal mood and take care of it?
Thats today for me. I cant remember the last time I had this much energy....its amazing what actually being able to sleep through an entire night can do for a girl
I should have been miserable today....all day getting hit with more and more work....yet somehow i didnt care, stayed a little late, and got it all done. No big deal.
Ever have one of those days where your car ride home from work is a playlist you would have picked yourself? Where every song that comes on is one of your favorite songs and the more in a row that come on the louder and louder you sing and smile, well just cuz you plain love singing when no ones in the car with you.
I found out that driving may be where my best ideas come to light....maybe next trip to New Orleans I will drive the whole way....im pretty sure I could come up with a whole list of ways to make someones life hell until I get answers. Oh yeah, did I mention....that while Ive been having this amazing day, and had this fantastic car ride full of fabulous music going on.....I had another Epiphany Moment.....
I dont know what it is about driving...but damn.....
And as if I didnt feel dumb enough that my trust in other people resulted in me being raped....I cant believe I hadnt thought of this before.....i have been stressing over getting this "man's" name......and it just came to me in this car ride....Im pretty sure I have a way to get it.....I will keep you updated because I am hoping above all else that I am right...and by this time tomorrow I will have his name.
Time for dinner....sorry if this seems a little spastic but I am so excited!
Better - and a little more info on the friends
10:30 11/3/10-
Definately feeling much better today. Believe it or not I am actually in a great mood, which is odd because its month end and I am beyond swamped in work.
I think its because I actually got some sleep last night- I kept my computer in another room so I couldnt do any research no matter how badly I wanted to....out of site out of mind concept, except it was definately still on my mind, I just had enough restraint to know I am in desperate need of a good night sleep and no matter how badly I needed to research I couldnt, I cant let myself fall apart again like I did yesterday afternoon.
The only bad part about actually almost sleeping through an entire night was that I had to go back to the 1 Ativan and 1/2 an Ambien to do it. I dont want to have to resort to that for the rest of my life, but the way I feel right now......it may be worth it just to get back to being myself again.
Im not snapping at my best friend, Im taking on more work than I should be...but thats ok because I do love my job and I am in a great emotional state right now, I am able to keep the office door open and joke around with my friends.........my mind is constantly wandering to the thoughts that my rape kit should be back by now but I still havent gotten a phone call, but I just shake it off.....there is nothing I can do about it so why let it get to me.
I was planning on going back to New Orleans on the 20th, but my best friend cant go now. My mom says she will go but I feel bad because November is a very crazy month for her. I have a hotel booked.....I have been watching for cheap flights...but they have been over $300 and pretty crappy flights for the past week so I havent booked. I am not sure if I am ok with not going back and getting answers, but I dont want to stress my mother out already more than she is. But if a super cheap flight comes along....Im there.
Not to mention I already have a flight and hotel booked for December, so I know I should have answers by then, and if I dont, I will take to the streets again. My kit was supposed to be processed and completed last friday.....if I dont have an answer by December I am going back and causing trouble for sure.
Im also considering offering a reward for the person that can give me my rapists name.....as long as it turns out to be true of course. I find it pretty shitty that my rapist is being afforded more rights than I am as the victim. Money makes people talk........
Also, I am pissed.....here is an even further clue to the identities of my rapists friends.....if you know people that are friends, that have these names.....maybe you can help me
Mac F., Paul R., Kevin L., Don aka Left BLOW ( dont get me started on that...and if you know someone with this nickname....im pretty sure hes the only one so......help a girl out here) and Mike whom is married and has at least 1 child. These men all live in Arizona.....the Phoenix/Scottsdale area......
If I get a name that pans out....it will be worth this "whistle blowers" while
Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day ...because I am :)
Definately feeling much better today. Believe it or not I am actually in a great mood, which is odd because its month end and I am beyond swamped in work.
I think its because I actually got some sleep last night- I kept my computer in another room so I couldnt do any research no matter how badly I wanted to....out of site out of mind concept, except it was definately still on my mind, I just had enough restraint to know I am in desperate need of a good night sleep and no matter how badly I needed to research I couldnt, I cant let myself fall apart again like I did yesterday afternoon.
The only bad part about actually almost sleeping through an entire night was that I had to go back to the 1 Ativan and 1/2 an Ambien to do it. I dont want to have to resort to that for the rest of my life, but the way I feel right now......it may be worth it just to get back to being myself again.
Im not snapping at my best friend, Im taking on more work than I should be...but thats ok because I do love my job and I am in a great emotional state right now, I am able to keep the office door open and joke around with my friends.........my mind is constantly wandering to the thoughts that my rape kit should be back by now but I still havent gotten a phone call, but I just shake it off.....there is nothing I can do about it so why let it get to me.
I was planning on going back to New Orleans on the 20th, but my best friend cant go now. My mom says she will go but I feel bad because November is a very crazy month for her. I have a hotel booked.....I have been watching for cheap flights...but they have been over $300 and pretty crappy flights for the past week so I havent booked. I am not sure if I am ok with not going back and getting answers, but I dont want to stress my mother out already more than she is. But if a super cheap flight comes along....Im there.
Not to mention I already have a flight and hotel booked for December, so I know I should have answers by then, and if I dont, I will take to the streets again. My kit was supposed to be processed and completed last friday.....if I dont have an answer by December I am going back and causing trouble for sure.
Im also considering offering a reward for the person that can give me my rapists name.....as long as it turns out to be true of course. I find it pretty shitty that my rapist is being afforded more rights than I am as the victim. Money makes people talk........
Also, I am pissed.....here is an even further clue to the identities of my rapists friends.....if you know people that are friends, that have these names.....maybe you can help me
Mac F., Paul R., Kevin L., Don aka Left BLOW ( dont get me started on that...and if you know someone with this nickname....im pretty sure hes the only one so......help a girl out here) and Mike whom is married and has at least 1 child. These men all live in Arizona.....the Phoenix/Scottsdale area......
If I get a name that pans out....it will be worth this "whistle blowers" while
Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day ...because I am :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Broken
For the first time in my life I feel helpless, hopeless and weak, I cant stop crying. I have to type and re-type these words my hands are shaking so badly. I guess its good that I can actually cry about it now.
I am a person that believes in Karma.....and all I can think to myself is what did I do in life to deserve this.
I am finally broken
I am a person that believes in Karma.....and all I can think to myself is what did I do in life to deserve this.
I am finally broken
Still nothing
Just another day, its Nov 2nd, 6:45 AM and I am back at work. Couldnt sleep last night, as usual. I dont want to become dependent on medications for the rest of my life so I havent been taking the Ativan...but I can definitely tell I dont sleep when I dont take it.
Someone commented on my last posting asking if I was ok with everything I said. Truth is, I have to be. I have to be prepared for that phone call to actually come and tell me there is nothing they can do for me. Thats all I have been told from the start so why would it change now? I have to be ok with the fact that more often than not, pathetic rapist pieces of shit just get away with it because our screwed up system lets them. Im sure I wont feel this way long, I seem to go back and forth with emotion a lot lately. Ive gained like 8 pounds since this happened....talk about eating your feelings, lol. Not to mention my face has broken out hardcore. I try to tell all the people that know about this here that I am not stressed and that whatever happens, happens...but apparently its written all over my face that im stressed.... Im not all that great with makeup so you should see this disaster right now.
The one thing I am not ok with is this happening to another woman by this same man. Which if I do not get a trial or do not get a name, I am 100% sure it will, it may even have already happened. That is why I would be just happy enough to get a name and get it out there that he is a rapist. I dont care if he tries to sue me, it would be on him to prove he wasnt a rapist....not to mention good luck getting money that I cant even afford to pay my credit card lenders. I am really starting to think that the only way I will get any answers is to release the last names of his friends that I do know.....and release where they work. Hopefully someone they know would be willing to tell me who this pathetic excuse for a man is. Im leaning towards doing this ....if I had to give it a number right now, i'd say its 90-10 in favor of me giving out the rest of the information I have.
In thinking about all of this, I guess Im not ok with any of what I said in my last post, but I may be forced to be. There is only so much you can do when anyone you speak with refuses to help you. Im not ok with being this exhausted all of the time. Im not ok with hiding in my office with the door shut avoiding people that have for some reason begun to annoy the shit out of me. Im not ok with letting one asshole do this to my life.
Im hoping once I get a little bit of consistency in my sleep I wont be this way any more. And Jess, I have every intention of responding to you, I am just so exhausted and so annoyed with everything around me I'm just finding it hard to concentrate and do what you told me.
I do have to say that I am absolutely amazed at the amount of awareness/attention this blog has been receiving. Even in the week where I didnt post people were still checking on a constant basis. Even a few new countries have stopped in to see what this is about, so hello to Malaysia, Trinidad & Tobago and New Zealand. Thank you for caring
Someone commented on my last posting asking if I was ok with everything I said. Truth is, I have to be. I have to be prepared for that phone call to actually come and tell me there is nothing they can do for me. Thats all I have been told from the start so why would it change now? I have to be ok with the fact that more often than not, pathetic rapist pieces of shit just get away with it because our screwed up system lets them. Im sure I wont feel this way long, I seem to go back and forth with emotion a lot lately. Ive gained like 8 pounds since this happened....talk about eating your feelings, lol. Not to mention my face has broken out hardcore. I try to tell all the people that know about this here that I am not stressed and that whatever happens, happens...but apparently its written all over my face that im stressed.... Im not all that great with makeup so you should see this disaster right now.
The one thing I am not ok with is this happening to another woman by this same man. Which if I do not get a trial or do not get a name, I am 100% sure it will, it may even have already happened. That is why I would be just happy enough to get a name and get it out there that he is a rapist. I dont care if he tries to sue me, it would be on him to prove he wasnt a rapist....not to mention good luck getting money that I cant even afford to pay my credit card lenders. I am really starting to think that the only way I will get any answers is to release the last names of his friends that I do know.....and release where they work. Hopefully someone they know would be willing to tell me who this pathetic excuse for a man is. Im leaning towards doing this ....if I had to give it a number right now, i'd say its 90-10 in favor of me giving out the rest of the information I have.
In thinking about all of this, I guess Im not ok with any of what I said in my last post, but I may be forced to be. There is only so much you can do when anyone you speak with refuses to help you. Im not ok with being this exhausted all of the time. Im not ok with hiding in my office with the door shut avoiding people that have for some reason begun to annoy the shit out of me. Im not ok with letting one asshole do this to my life.
Im hoping once I get a little bit of consistency in my sleep I wont be this way any more. And Jess, I have every intention of responding to you, I am just so exhausted and so annoyed with everything around me I'm just finding it hard to concentrate and do what you told me.
I do have to say that I am absolutely amazed at the amount of awareness/attention this blog has been receiving. Even in the week where I didnt post people were still checking on a constant basis. Even a few new countries have stopped in to see what this is about, so hello to Malaysia, Trinidad & Tobago and New Zealand. Thank you for caring
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yup
11/1/10-
Dont really care for anything much anymore. Just doing what I need to to get through the day and then get to bed as quick as possible. I havent called the NOPD or the DA in weeks. I just really dont give a S--- anymore.
I used to love my job but even now , I could care less for it.....Here's a phenomenal idea, lets tell you that you are so good at your job, that we are going to give you more work to do.....and not pay you more.
So let me get this right, I get more work added to my already slammed day, because Im so good at what I do, yet you dont see fit to compensate me? I have a feeling my production at work is going to hit a serious wall, Im not in the mood to beg/argue for a raise. If people that suck at there job are getting paid as much as I am for doing less....screw it. Ive got too much going on to give a damn. I may just decide to sit here and do as little as possible.....no one around here seems to get fired anyway. Not in the mood for the BS and politicking.
My friends are annoying the crap out of me, with the exception of one that just seems to make me not hate the world as much. No, I dont feel like going out, no i dont want to sit around all weekend and drink, no I do not want to hold a conversation where you sit there and bitch about how terrible your life is. Just shut up and think about what you can do to make that change..how about doing something about it. (Ironic how I am sitting here right now bitching about things) Its not that my life is terrible, Im actually grateful for everything I have and love my life.....but there are times when you just want to slap everyone you know in the face and tell them to give you a moment of silence and quit bitching, do something about your shitty life and let me get back to being selfish and enjoying mine. Shit happens, you find a way to work with it (not literally, please dont start playing with your actual shit ) and you make what you can from it. Someone always has it worse than you do, remember that.
I stopped carrying my phone everywhere I go. Most of the time if its on , its on silent. More often than not its actually just off, sitting in a different room than I am. I am sick of waiting for the police to call. My heart doesnt jump anymore every time the phone rings hoping its someone with any sort of answer. I feel like im over it. Do you actually get over something like this? I have no feeling one way or the other about my rape or how I was treated any more. I just dont care. No anger, no passion to fight, just feel like ok, this happened now its time to move on. All of the small details I was able to remember before are gone. I remember practically nothing now. I havent been trying to remember, but nothing surfaces in my head anymore. I just dont care anymore.
And when I do finally get that call that my rape kit is back, all I expect to hear is that there wasnt enough evidence and we cant do anything. Even if there was enough. I have no expectations of getting my rapist charged with any crime anymore. He got away with it....at least next time maybe he will at least think twice before doing so. I feel sorry for the next woman he doesnt this to. There is not a single doubt in my mind he has done this before, and no doubt in my mind he will do it again. The thought of that used to make me sick to my stomach, now I just roll my eyes and dismiss the thought.
I still have my sense of humor, I can still laugh and find stupidity in things, its just not as often as before. I really could care less about anything. Maybe its better that way. Maybe if I started caring again I would just get let down later anyway when I have to deal with a trial if it ever got there. Maybe its just better to cut my losses.
Dont really care for anything much anymore. Just doing what I need to to get through the day and then get to bed as quick as possible. I havent called the NOPD or the DA in weeks. I just really dont give a S--- anymore.
I used to love my job but even now , I could care less for it.....Here's a phenomenal idea, lets tell you that you are so good at your job, that we are going to give you more work to do.....and not pay you more.
So let me get this right, I get more work added to my already slammed day, because Im so good at what I do, yet you dont see fit to compensate me? I have a feeling my production at work is going to hit a serious wall, Im not in the mood to beg/argue for a raise. If people that suck at there job are getting paid as much as I am for doing less....screw it. Ive got too much going on to give a damn. I may just decide to sit here and do as little as possible.....no one around here seems to get fired anyway. Not in the mood for the BS and politicking.
My friends are annoying the crap out of me, with the exception of one that just seems to make me not hate the world as much. No, I dont feel like going out, no i dont want to sit around all weekend and drink, no I do not want to hold a conversation where you sit there and bitch about how terrible your life is. Just shut up and think about what you can do to make that change..how about doing something about it. (Ironic how I am sitting here right now bitching about things) Its not that my life is terrible, Im actually grateful for everything I have and love my life.....but there are times when you just want to slap everyone you know in the face and tell them to give you a moment of silence and quit bitching, do something about your shitty life and let me get back to being selfish and enjoying mine. Shit happens, you find a way to work with it (not literally, please dont start playing with your actual shit ) and you make what you can from it. Someone always has it worse than you do, remember that.
I stopped carrying my phone everywhere I go. Most of the time if its on , its on silent. More often than not its actually just off, sitting in a different room than I am. I am sick of waiting for the police to call. My heart doesnt jump anymore every time the phone rings hoping its someone with any sort of answer. I feel like im over it. Do you actually get over something like this? I have no feeling one way or the other about my rape or how I was treated any more. I just dont care. No anger, no passion to fight, just feel like ok, this happened now its time to move on. All of the small details I was able to remember before are gone. I remember practically nothing now. I havent been trying to remember, but nothing surfaces in my head anymore. I just dont care anymore.
And when I do finally get that call that my rape kit is back, all I expect to hear is that there wasnt enough evidence and we cant do anything. Even if there was enough. I have no expectations of getting my rapist charged with any crime anymore. He got away with it....at least next time maybe he will at least think twice before doing so. I feel sorry for the next woman he doesnt this to. There is not a single doubt in my mind he has done this before, and no doubt in my mind he will do it again. The thought of that used to make me sick to my stomach, now I just roll my eyes and dismiss the thought.
I still have my sense of humor, I can still laugh and find stupidity in things, its just not as often as before. I really could care less about anything. Maybe its better that way. Maybe if I started caring again I would just get let down later anyway when I have to deal with a trial if it ever got there. Maybe its just better to cut my losses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)