Just another day, its Nov 2nd, 6:45 AM and I am back at work. Couldnt sleep last night, as usual. I dont want to become dependent on medications for the rest of my life so I havent been taking the Ativan...but I can definitely tell I dont sleep when I dont take it.
Someone commented on my last posting asking if I was ok with everything I said. Truth is, I have to be. I have to be prepared for that phone call to actually come and tell me there is nothing they can do for me. Thats all I have been told from the start so why would it change now? I have to be ok with the fact that more often than not, pathetic rapist pieces of shit just get away with it because our screwed up system lets them. Im sure I wont feel this way long, I seem to go back and forth with emotion a lot lately. Ive gained like 8 pounds since this happened....talk about eating your feelings, lol. Not to mention my face has broken out hardcore. I try to tell all the people that know about this here that I am not stressed and that whatever happens, happens...but apparently its written all over my face that im stressed.... Im not all that great with makeup so you should see this disaster right now.
The one thing I am not ok with is this happening to another woman by this same man. Which if I do not get a trial or do not get a name, I am 100% sure it will, it may even have already happened. That is why I would be just happy enough to get a name and get it out there that he is a rapist. I dont care if he tries to sue me, it would be on him to prove he wasnt a rapist....not to mention good luck getting money that I cant even afford to pay my credit card lenders. I am really starting to think that the only way I will get any answers is to release the last names of his friends that I do know.....and release where they work. Hopefully someone they know would be willing to tell me who this pathetic excuse for a man is. Im leaning towards doing this ....if I had to give it a number right now, i'd say its 90-10 in favor of me giving out the rest of the information I have.
In thinking about all of this, I guess Im not ok with any of what I said in my last post, but I may be forced to be. There is only so much you can do when anyone you speak with refuses to help you. Im not ok with being this exhausted all of the time. Im not ok with hiding in my office with the door shut avoiding people that have for some reason begun to annoy the shit out of me. Im not ok with letting one asshole do this to my life.
Im hoping once I get a little bit of consistency in my sleep I wont be this way any more. And Jess, I have every intention of responding to you, I am just so exhausted and so annoyed with everything around me I'm just finding it hard to concentrate and do what you told me.
I do have to say that I am absolutely amazed at the amount of awareness/attention this blog has been receiving. Even in the week where I didnt post people were still checking on a constant basis. Even a few new countries have stopped in to see what this is about, so hello to Malaysia, Trinidad & Tobago and New Zealand. Thank you for caring
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