7:15 Monday 11/8/10- sorry in advance, this may be long...im not sure what I have to say, but I feel like once I start typing I wont stop
A friend reminded me of something today. I started this blog as a way to deal with being raped. As an outlet for the non-stop thoughts running through my head. And when I started, I then decided to turn this into an informative blog so that victims of rape know what to expect and to know they are not alone.
What do I feel I have accomplished by blogging? I havent let the crazy, non stop obsessive thoughts make me go crazy. I have stood my ground, and while there are times when I cracked and broke down, I was able to bring myself back to a stable place in life.
I have spread the word of my story to over 30 countries around the world- I hope in my doing so I have helped those that may have been raped. I also hope that I have opened up some people's eyes to the fact that not all rape is violent, that rape victims dont come forward for dozens of reasons and that not every woman that accuses a man of rape is lying or out to get something.
Ive preserved my sanity, I hope i have educated, I hope i have touched someone's life that needed to know they werent alone. I hope I have inspired others to speak up and fight for what they know is right. I hope I have inspired people to not be so judgemental and maybe fight for another person when they feel they cant fight for themselves.
I started this blog because I didnt know what else to do.
I was raped, treated like a piece of shit by the police, and till this day still do not have the answers I am looking for. I started this blog because I did everything right after my lapse in judgement in trusting these men.
I reported my rape ASAP. I pointed my rapist out face to face to about 10 people in the department. I gave detailed descriptions of the house, where specific things were and where they would find the condom wrapper. As soon as I was told I could go, I went to the hospital escorted by the police and waited....for hours.
I held my urine as long as I could because I wanted to make sure all evidence was secured and would be viable. I submitted to a blood test. I let Detective Snazzy Pants read my entire phone log of texts between me and "my friend". I let the SANE nurse inspect every part of my body to get any , even the smallest piece of evidence. My underwear was taken as evidence at the house, I left my shirt behind because there was some sort of stain on it. I took the phone numbers that were given to me....all they led to was a circle of people telling me they didnt know or couldnt help me.
I was raped. I did everything a victim should do. Why dont I have answers?
I was raped and walked through a town to announce I was raped and no one would help me. I went to the media. I was raped, and no one would give me answers....I've never been raped before and I had no idea what to expect, but this is just insanity. I started this blog because I didnt know what else to do
I started this blog to keep my sanity, to document for others what to expect because there is almost no information available on the Internet as to the "procedure" of rape cases from the time they are reported.
I refuse to go back and read what I have written. I do not want to relive it....but there are a few things I am going to comment on in thinking about what I have documented.
I have turned into an angry, vengeful waste of space. This entire process of "procedure of a rape case" as turned me into an angry person willing to do anything possible to get my answers. I dont like feeling this way. I dont like that what this blog has come down to is me threatening to expose my rapists friends, because our justice system is flawed and I cant get the answers I need. I am not a vengeful person, and I fee like shit for turning into one
- with that said, If someone doesn't lead by example, nothing ever changes. If I dont do everything possible, nothing will change. I am willing to be punished for anything that comes from this blog because maybe someone is paying attention and will help my efforts to change things. If I get arrested or sued for standing up for myself and finding justice where the system has failed......I will accept it, go to the media and let them know exactly what I did and why.
We shouldnt have to live in a society where the rape victim is blamed every time. We shouldnt live in a society where rape victims are too ashamed or embarrassed to report the crime or stand up for themselves. Rape victims should not be afraid of any backlash from telling the truth. While I cant guarantee you will not come out of this emotionally unharmed, taking charge and fighting for yourself is pretty powerful and for me at least, make things a little easier.
This blog from what I can recall has documented me going from a scared, panicky woman, into a woman who broke and didnt want to get out of bed, into a woman full of rage , followed by a woman willing to spend hours upon hours digging up the information on those who harmed her. In summation, I dont like where this is taking me. I dont like that it is making me vengeful and I will do my best to recognize when I am being so. But take note, I am assuming becoming vengeful is normal....sort of like the "steps of grief".....im sure theres some sort of "steps of trauma"
I have noticed that when negative things are said it makes me want to fight even more. That is why the comment I am assuming is from my rapist or one of his friends will remain posted. The comment calls me an attention whore and says this blog is garbage.....I have been dared to name names so that this blog will be shut down and taken off the internet. I am threatened with libel and slander........once again, i reiterate its neither libel or slander when its true. I am not afraid to post this information. My rapist or his friends also referred to me as an idiot if I release this information. I will tell you right now, I am no idiot,.....and I will decide if and when I do release this information- I know they are trying to get this site to shut down , so at this point I will let them breathe easy and not release the names just yet.......but as soon as I hear back from Detective #3 that may change. I havent heard from him yet tonight, but last time he called around 9 PM so im giving him a bit more time. If I dont hear back you can bet your ass Im calling him tomorrow.
Catch 22- do I release their names and lose my blog....it clearly has them scared- or do I give them their anonymity and keep writing which im sure will piss them off.
My friend I mentioned before informed me how I can save this blog to my hard drive, so that in case I release these names and get shut down......I will still have what I have written, which should help in my case seeing how I refuse to try and remember any of it. So I assure you, I have backed up this blog, even went old school and put it on a disk just for safe keeping.
Right now, Im feeling great. Ive actually been feeling great since last Wednesday....I havent had a bad day and that gives me so much hope. I know I am going to have days where I want stay in bed all day, and I also know thats ok...you do what you have to do to get through.
To my rapist, just because you stopped when you were told doesnt mean it wasnt rape. Now that I know you are reading this, answer me a few questions.
1)If I wouldnt sleep with your friend, who is by far more superior looking than you on the first night, what makes you think I would have even entertained the thought of having sex with you after not knowing who the heck you were?? I would comment on your charm....but I dont know you, I know nothing of your personality besides the fact that you get off on taking advantage of women.
2)Have you gotten your hair cut yet??
3)Have your friends questioned you about what really happened??? Oh wait, stupid question, you have already proven yourself to be a liar....so even if they did Im sure you lied to them
4) Did you have a girlfriend when you did this to me?
5) What is it about a passed out girl that makes you get an erection?
6) Why did you throw the condom in a cup of alcohol that wasnt even in the room where you raped me?
I hope it was worth it creeper
I could go on and on here but thinking about you is not the hi-lite of my day.
Anyway, Im exhausted. Long day of work tomorrow....Goodnight world
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