Happy December

11/30/10 - 9:20 PM

well I did it.  Worked until 7:45 and then actually went back to the gym...... I have a wheelchair on standby for tomorrow.  Not the most significant of all things, but hey, at least Im back to getting things done.

Tomorrow is the first day of December.  I live in NY.  I am still sleeping with the window wide open.  I havent had crazy dreams lately and I havent had to take ativan in a while.....I guess thats progress.  I do still wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat even though im in boxers and a tank top.....I guess the bright side is that my heating bill is going to be almost non-existent. I did have a dream last night, I dont remember all that much of it....but I do remember waking up and thinking it was a "sign" because pretty much the only thing I remembered was the name Mike.....it would be pretty creepy if that actually turns out to be the name of my rapist....It doesnt bother me all that much anymore that i dont know his name.  Ive come to accept the fact that rape victims are pretty much raped all over again by our justice and legal system.  I honestly think that the "system" is causing just as much emotional distress as my actual rape. 
I remember thinking for some reason his last name was Butler...I honestly dont think thats right....Maybe it doesnt bother me that I dont have his name because Ive found a way to give him a new one.....for now, until I get some answers I will settle for thinking my rapist is named Mike Butler....stupid name for a stupid man  (sorry if anyone that reads this is really named Mike Butler)

Anyway, I guess I am back to a level of comfort.  More of the details of the past few months have faded away. Honestly Im glad they have.  Memory of the day of my rape is minimal, the immediate days after are a blur.  I remember panicking a lot, but I dont remember specific reasons why.  I guess thats what makes the human mind so interesting, without physical damage or some sort of mind altering substance in your brain you can still forget significant amounts of time.  You adapt.  Your mind adapts to let you cope, deal and move on.....or at least to aide you in doing so. 

Off to bed.  Happy December to all