I guess it was too much to ask to stay in the mindset I had been in lately. I still cant believe I feel this way. I got some news about my case, I should be happy. Instead Im having the need to get more and more information again. I started going back to my obsession....the need to get answers, the need to do anything to get answers.
I almost broke down in my meeting this morning.....how unprofessional. I was never a very emotional person before I was raped, now, I am completely different....crying over stupid things at work that I cant control.
In my meeting we were discussing what exactly we do in our jobs, how much of a workload we have and what obstacles we are running into. In listening to others it made me sick. The amount of work I do compared to what they do is completely sickening to me. Dont get me wrong, I am sure their jobs are tough, but its nothing like I have to deal with. And every day it seems more and more is getting shoved my way.
Before I was raped I would have gone about my business with maybe a small complaint or two about it, but not tears. Not nausea at the fact that people are doing so little compared to my position and are getting paid the same. It was my turn to speak and i started shaking and tears formed in my eyes. I apologized right away, got about 10 words out and cut myself off. I couldnt speak. I had to take an Ativan in the middle of the meeting, in front of all my coworkers because I couldnt calm down. How embarrassing.
After the meeting I couldnt bring myself to go back to work. I went to visit my mom. Then decided to go Christmas shopping. I sat in the parking lot of the mall, in my car, and cried for about 20 minutes. So stupid, when things get tough I dont cry, I find a way to work with it and succeed.
I spent about an hour shopping and decided my work wasnt going to do itself so I went back. I cried the entire drive back from the mall.
Im sitting at my desk sad, beyond frustrated , angry, annoyed ,confused and just fed up with everything. I love my job, but since I was raped, its just been pissing me off. The little intricacies of what I do are what make me great at what I do. When given more work, I used to love it....i was able to educate myself on things I didnt know and I was able to succeed at anything ever asked. ...... in my meeting this morning I was asked if there was anything that was good about my job, and I flat out said no.
Its true. I have now come to hate my job. All the small things that come up in the work day set me off in anger. I get annoyed at the small things I used to welcome, that I would turn into educational tools. Now I am so swamped in the additional duties that keep getting piled on day after day, that I no longer have the time to make sure I am up to date on the education necessary to do my job and do it well.
Before I was raped I was always calm. When something new came up, I was able to step back and take a breath, take a minute, and decide how I was going to handle it........Now, I am sitting here in tears, hands shaking, pissed off at the world and hating my job. I can no longer find a way to calmly decide how to do things.....i dont take that minute that was so crucial before in my success.....I was always a rational person telling everyone not to panic, that whatever was asked would be done and not to worry. Now im the person that gets pissed off and bitches and complains all day. That is not the person I want to be . That is not the person I was, it better not be the person I become.
I know that no one person could do it all, but i came pretty damn close before. I refused to delegate any of my work to others, I did everything I could to keep my work to myself so I know it would be right, and if it was wrong, I had no one to blame but myself. I am proud of my work and I like to see projects through from start to finish. Now I have resorted to delegating because I am letting myself get overwhelmed. I know I am getting overwhelmed, but before my rape, I would have found a way to keep all of my work and still do all the new things that were asked. Im now starting to feel like a failure and hating my job.
I cant believe I let myself fall back to this place mentally. I was fine. I was more than fine, so how can I be back here again? I just dont get it.
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