The What Ifs

8:54 Wed 11/17/10-

I was doing so well!  I had everything under control, my shaking, my nausea, my thoughts.....
Now my mind is back to racing and if i think about things long enough my hands go back to shaking.
I hadnt taken ativan in quite a while....had to break down and take one yesterday afternoon.  It at least slows my thoughts and helps with the shaking hands.
My mind is not nearly as bad as it was right after the rape, but it is definitely racing with the "what if's" today.  Having this lead, that im pretty sure is a very solid lead, has brought up so many questions.

The main question being, what am I going to do? But Im not just asking myself this question once, I am repeatedly asking it, imagining different scenarios and what would I do in them.....creating quite the overflow of thoughts running through my mind at one time.   I tell myself there is no point in dwelling on the what ifs because there is no possible way to know what the outcome is going to be, trying to prepare myself for so many situations that may possibly never come to fruition would just bring more stress on me, but I cant seem to listen to the rational side of my brain.....What if , .....is dominating my morning.

What if I get what I want, What if I dont......what is it that I actually do want to come from all of this mess?
In a perfect world this "man" would go to jail, but we all know this world is far from perfect.
What if the DA doesn't press charges, what do I do then? How to I deal, will I be ok?
What if the DA does press charges, what do I do then?
Do I want to have a trial where I can't even sit in and listen to the case?  As a victim of rape, you are not allowed in the courtroom.  You are called as a witness, and that is it.  Do I want to wait probably years for any of this to happen or do I just want to move on?
I personally just want to move on, but with all the complete  BS that has gone on with my case, I dont think I can just pack it in and call it a day.  Ive been through so much crap already, I just dont think I have it in me to back down and let it go.

What if this lead turns out to be nothing? Am I prepared to once again be told that "I cant help you" or "I cannot give you that information at this time."  The last time someone told me that (which happened to be Detective #3" I completely broke down and started crying and screaming into the phone at him.....Im sure this man just wants all of this to go away too....im not sure he can handle much more of my quest for information and me constantly yelling at him.  I dont mean to yell, but i just find it completely shocking that a rape victim cannot get a single piece of information regarding her (or his) case.  Its frustrating when you know they already have most of the answers you want and they just wont tell you. .....so yes, I at times get frustrated and lose my cool.  I know that yelling at these people isnt exactly going to help me get anywhere or get any information.....but I honestly cant help the outbursts sometimes.  I dont call them, planning to yell....but when they only talk around your question and keep repeating the company line, frustration sets in and I lose it.  I am normally very composed and think before I speak.....but all of the frustrations that occur in rape cases make it impossible for someone not to become overwhelmingly emotional.

At least in writing all of this down, I am able to slow my thoughts down.....Ive asked some of the what ifs now.....i see the words in front of my face......i see that it is ridiculous to keep asking these what ifs when there is only one possible outcome.....only one outcome out of thousands of what ifs.  In writing this, I have calmed myself.  I know I cant worry about the what ifs.....I just need to wait.  I need to see what situation arises and then act from there.  I cant plan ahead...planning ahead may actually make the disappointment worse if this "man" isnt arrested.

I am back to a good place.....for now anyway
Thank you for listening, thank you for giving me somewhere to turn when I feel like I am losing my mind.