Thanksgiving....or is it?

Monday 11/22/10-

Finally made it to work.  If I had my way I wouldnt get out of bed until next week.
Everyone here is excited for Thanksgiving....I really could care less.  Actually I would like to slap them and watch the smile fade off their faces. 
We are forced to take Thanksgiving off of work, leaving me with virtually no excuse to hide from family. 
Thanksgiving equals, once again, everyone in one central location, aka my house.  A day of sitting around eating food....which I have become quite the expert at lately.  A day of not being able to disappear and go off by yourself for a few hours without someone noticing.  A day to say you are thankful, a day that forces me to feel selfish in that right now I am thankful for nothing.....or at least I dont feel like expressing it.
I am actually thankful for a few things, but everything I am thankful for is a secret from most that know me.
I am thankful for the two people in my life that make my existence in this world feel somewhat meaningful.
I am thankful that I wasn't violently beaten like most rape victims. 
And really, that is all i can come up with.  Ridiculous that the only things I am thankful for right now revolve around my rape back in september...... I mean , sure I am thankful for my family , and everything I have been fortunate to have come into my life.......but I am always thankful for that, I dont need one day to say that.

Not to mention, lately I have been resentful that i have family.  I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I am resentful that they are living their lives without a care in the world, with no idea what has happened to me.  Im resentful that they have things to be thankful for that dont involve being happy that something that happened to them could have been much, much worse. 

Nothing makes me happy anymore.  I gave up all of my research. I gave up going above and beyond in my job. I gave up leaving my house on the weekends. I gave up going to hockey games. I gave up going to bars for a couple of drinks with my friends.

My life consists of going to work...most often late because I have to talk my self into getting out of bed.
After work i literally eat everything I can find in the house, then go to bed.  When I cant sleep I find a movie to watch or just lay in the dark listening to music.  I dont know why music seems to help me so much, but hey, find something that works and go with it right?

anyway.....poor me right?   back to work while i still have a job