Yup

11/1/10- 
Dont really care for anything much anymore. Just doing what I need to to get through the day and then get to bed as quick as possible.  I havent called the NOPD or the DA in weeks. I just really dont give a S--- anymore. 
I used to love my job but even now , I could care less for it.....Here's a phenomenal idea, lets tell you that you are so good at your job, that we are going to give you more work to do.....and not pay you more.
So let me get this right, I get more work added to my already slammed day, because Im so good at what I do, yet you dont see fit to compensate me?   I have  a feeling my production at work is going to hit a serious wall,  Im not in the mood to beg/argue for a raise.  If people that suck at there job are getting paid as much as I am for doing less....screw it. Ive got too much going on to give a damn.  I may just decide to sit here and do as little as possible.....no one around here seems to get fired anyway. Not in the mood for the BS and politicking.
My friends are annoying the crap out of me, with the exception of one that just seems to make me not hate the world as much.  No, I dont feel like going out, no i dont want to sit around all weekend and drink, no I do not want to hold a conversation where you sit there and bitch about how terrible your life is.  Just shut up and think about what you can do to make that change..how about doing something about it. (Ironic how I am sitting here right now bitching about things)  Its not that my life is terrible, Im actually grateful for everything I have and love my life.....but there are times when you just want to slap everyone you know in the face and tell them to give you a moment of silence and quit bitching, do something about your shitty life and let me get back to being selfish and enjoying mine.  Shit happens, you find a way to work with it (not literally, please dont start playing with your actual shit ) and you make what you can from it.  Someone always has it worse than you do, remember that.

I stopped carrying my phone everywhere I go. Most of the time if its on , its on silent.  More often than not its actually just off, sitting in a different room than I am.  I am sick of waiting for the police to call.  My heart doesnt jump anymore every time the phone rings hoping its someone with any sort of answer.  I feel like im over it.  Do you actually get over something like this?  I have no feeling one way or the other about my rape or how I was treated any more.  I just dont care. No anger, no passion to fight, just feel like ok, this happened now its time to move on.  All of the small details I was able to remember before are gone.  I remember practically nothing now. I havent been trying to remember, but nothing surfaces in my head anymore.  I just dont care anymore.
And when I do finally get that call that my rape kit is back, all I expect to hear is that there wasnt enough evidence and we cant do anything. Even if there was enough.  I have no expectations of getting my rapist charged with any crime anymore.  He got away with it....at least next time maybe he will at least think twice before doing so.  I feel sorry for the next woman he doesnt this to.  There is not a single doubt in my mind he has done this before, and no doubt in my mind he will do it again.  The thought of that used to make me sick to my stomach, now I just roll my eyes and dismiss the thought.
I still have my sense of humor, I can still laugh and find stupidity in things, its just not as often as before.  I really could care less about anything. Maybe its better that way. Maybe if I started caring again I would just get let down later anyway when I have to deal with a trial if it ever got there.  Maybe its just better to cut my losses.