Its About Time

Monday 11/29/10 6:21 PM

16 pounds and 2 pant sizes later I finally got my lazy ass back to the gym.  I figure I finally got myself back ahead of the game in work, so why not try to get everything else in order too.
I was never tiny but I have reached an all time high in weight.  Time to put down the chicken wings, pizza and all the convenient food that was easier to order than me attempting to cook.....I will miss you super fatty foods....you were very delicious but not very kind to my ass.
So, I left work today, went to the gym....and now im back at work....thank goodness almost no one is here, its not pretty.  I actually got up and did something....the hardest part now is convincing myself to go back tomorrow...im pretty sure there will be the long drawn out conversation in my head where I come up with a million excuses not to go back, but I am going to do my best to force myself to go back.
Its been a few weeks since I last felt really good...but today was definitely better.

I found my mind drifting a bit during the day.....but I was mostly able to just get work done, and clean up everything I had been putting off to the side because it require to much thought to address when I first got it.
I mostly think about what will happen at trial, which is pretty stupid because I have no confirmation that this will even get that far. But I cant help it. My thoughts arent consumed with my rape or this stupid "man"....I find the focus more on a trial...wondering what questions they will ask me, wondering if I am going to vomit in front of everyone, wondering if I have to sit directly across from my rapist while his lawyer tries to call me a whore, wondering what version of me is going to show up.....
Thats the worst part, I have no idea how my emotions will hold up if I do get a trial......you are either going to the the smartass version of me that will take any question and fire back honest but half insulting comments back to the defense.....or the emotional basket case that is going to start shaking and balling her eyes out......or the girl that sits quietly taking deep breathes to calm herself so she doesnt start crying in front of a whole room of people.

Its really not worth thinking about until I know if there will be a trial or not, but I cant seem to help it....i guess it just gives me something to focus on besides the actual events on the day and days after my rape.

Anyway, Im getting back to work.  Hope everyone is well