cant sleep. I am sick of having to take medication in order to sleep through the night. I refuse to become dependent on something to get me through the day/night.
I still havent called the detective back, at this point i just dont care. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Im still breathing, Im still talking to some people.....i still have somewhat of a life....if thats what you can call it.
Im sick about all of this. I am sick that I think about this after 2 am because I am trying my best to not become dependent on medication. I am sick that only 3 people in my life know even the slightest thing about what I am going through. I am sick that I still cant sleep through a whole night. I am sick that I can have one insignificant person have such a massive impact on my life.
I am strong enough to handle things on my own. I am strong enough to know that I need to keep myself as rational and reasonable as possible. I am strong enough to realize that I may need help......I may need help when it comes time to stand my ground. I have been so self confident throughout all of this. I have believed in myself even when people have put me down......why should I let some cocky son of a bitch get away with something like this....why should it be ok for him to make someone feel the way I am feeling....how is that, on anyones terms ok?
Am I ok with sleepless nights? can I physically prepare myself for nights like that.....its so hard. I get so exhausted so quickly.....there is only one thought that keeps me grounded, and that is the thought that my rapist is so scared that he thinks about what he did to me as much or maybe even more than I do.
I hate that my life has come down to this. I hate that in order to calm the thoughts in my head I have to document everything I am feeling for the world to see. I hate that I cannot handle this on my own. I am self sufficient. I do not need anyone to help me, I never have........but all of a sudden I am stuck depending on people. I need someone there just to tell me that its ok to feel how I feel. I need someone there to tell me that I am standing up and fighting for the right reasons......i need someone there to know everything and support me no matter what.
I wish all of this would just go away. I wish I could just erase whatever memory I have left and just move on with my life. I feel like there is really nothing left for me to do in this world.....I feel useless. I feel insignificant. I feel alone. I no longer feel strong. I no longer feel any fight left in me.....there is nothing left to fight for. There was never anything to fight for in the first place if you really think about it....... I pointed out a few wrong doings by the NOPD....but what did that really accomplish for me? what do i have to show for it....why did I bother.
I just give up. Fighting alone is a losing battle....sometimes you just have to accept that and move on. Make what you can from it and continue on with your life. If i just give up on this pursuit to the land of the unknown i can just get back to my life. The life where I was self confident, reliable and responsible. The life where I knew what I was doing and had no questions as to my judgement. The life that I was privileged to have in the first place. Maybe I should just cut my losses. My life is slowly deteriorating because I am letting some creeper of a "man" run it. I wish I could find a way to take back my life......Its my life, I am always in control, but somehow, this creeptastic piece of shit was able to step right in and overtake my life.
I wont lie when I say I have had thoughts of killing myself. Im sure almost every single victim of rape has thought about it at least once.........my thought had a little twist though.......my thought was, that If i decided to kill myself,.......could my rapist be charged with involuntary manslaughter.......could killing myself ensure that he would be punished for what he did to me? Because right now, he has a chance of walking away from this with not even a slap on the wrist......so in my head , I have entertained the thought once or twice that if I kill myself, and make it known that it was due to the duress this "man" has brought into my life, would it ensure he would actually be punished. Its disgusting that thoughts of suicide are most likely an every day occurrence in lives a rape victims.
I am so exhausted that I dont even know if I am making any sense anymore so I will just say goodnite. I hope that all of you are able to get the sleep that seems to be so skilled at evading me.
2 comments:
I may have never met you before in person in my life but it seems like I known you forever. Never think your alone k cuz you have people you'll probably never meet on the other side of the country that prays for you every night. You are a strong women and you can do this. Keep up the amazing work. This day of feeling hopeless will pass and you'll look back and smile and realize that you did It when many many women faild to take this stand. And most of all you can't fail to yourself that's one of the worse disappointments there is. If you cry It just means you were being strong too long and needed a little break but it doesn't make you weak to take that break. Everyone needs some rest at some points.
Hey girlie,
WOW reading that one was tough! You remind me so much of myself when this happened to me. I felt all of those things you feel. Honey I still feel them. At least you're doing something about it. Me? I was the coward I still am a coward. I feel I'm not worthy, and that I'm damaged. But you missy are strong, you're fighting for people like me that just couldn't find it in themselves to fight! And remember you're doing the right thing and lvndolce is SO PROUD OF YOU! Remember I'm reading backwards!
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