The waiting game

Friday 11/12/10- 8:16 AM

The infusion I had yesterday took a bit more out of me than usual, I am definitely exhausted, struggling to keep my eyes open.  Physically exhausted, but mentally I am still on a high.

Cris commented the other day that in reading what I have been posting lately and comparing to my posts early on I seem like a completely different person, that I seem to have been able to emotionally process everything.  And she is completely right.  I am an entirely different person than I was when I started this blog.

When I started I was scared, confused, frustrated and in desperate need of answers....any answer, at least just one answer to the thousands of questions running through my head.  I dont go back and read what I have written, I dont want to relive what I was feeling and I dont want to take the chance that by in re-reading it, I will go back to the frame of mind I was in.  Memory is a powerful thing, you shouldnt mess with it.

I do remember that in the beginning I couldnt seem to shut my thoughts out.  Thousands of thoughts running through your mind is scary.  You cant process anything. You have one thought, and immediately it leads into another....the What Ifs just keep hitting you. One thought literally leads to thousand of options.  That may have been the scariest part of all of this for me.  My mind couldnt process everything I was thinking and on top of that, no one would give me a single answer besides you need to wait or we cant tell you that right now.  Knowing you cant get the answers you need on top of having more questions in your head at once than you ever thought possible, just makes everything that much more difficult.

I still havent gone to counseling.  I have been lucky enough to have 2 people in my life that I can tell everything to. 2 people that understand sometimes I need to yell, sometimes I need to sit in silence, sometimes I just need to blurt out random song lyrics and act stupid....and sometimes I just need to cry.  These 2 people have given me more than I can ever hope to give back to them.  They kept my life as normal as they could.  They dont ask questions all that often and when they do, and they can tell I dont want to talk about it, they leave it alone and dont push.  The one day, about 2 weeks ago, when I finally broke and couldnt stop crying was the time I admitted to myself that maybe I did need to seek professional care.
I honestly told myself that the next day, I would find a counselor to speak to. 

Somehow, when I woke up the following day, I had felt better than ever.  I havent felt like crying since. I havent felt sad, I havent felt scared, Ive been able to get back to the place where I could at least slow my thoughts and process everything.  I have been able to tell myself that none of this is in my control, so there is no reason to stress.  I needed that one day.  I needed to let out everything that has built up inside me since I was raped. 

A few nights ago, you may have noticed I was repeatedly posting.  Uncontrollably posting everything as I was sparked my comments my rapist was dumb enough to post to this blog.  I couldnt believe it.....for 3 reasons  1) I got confirmation that he and his friends are seeing all of this. They know what I am going through, what their friend put me through.  2) they are all scared. What was posted was a bunch of name calling and trying to make me feel guilt. Posts saying that I should be ashamed of myself and I am giving "real" rape victims a bad name.  3)  In his postings, he admitted his guilt.  Not flat out "I raped you" . But enough words to admit that he did. 

This night was my real turning point. The night where I decided I no longer have to be afraid, I no longer have to panic.  The night I got an answer.  Not the full answer I was looking for, but finally I got 1 answer.....in a month and a half of asking question after question I FINALLY GOT ONE ANSWER!
The answer I have been searching for is a name......a name would have given me some sense of closure.  I honestly can say, had I gotten a name in the first place....I am really unsure how far I would have pursued this.  This process of filing rape charges and trying to get a conviction is unconstitutionally long and drawn out. I just want to move on with my life and put this behind me...and the reason I couldnt do that was because I didnt get a name.......No point in dwelling on the past though, I didnt get a name and now you can be damn sure I will pursue this to the end.  The answer I got was that my rapist, knows what he did to me was wrong, he knows he did this, he admitted to it.....he admitted it.  The second I saw he admitted it, all of my anxiety just flushed out of my body....the feeling was unreal.  The sense of calm that came over me.....amazing.

My rapist took away any control and power I had in my life when he raped me.  My rapist also gave it all back and then some when he inadvertently admitted he did it.  He handed power back over to me without even realizing it because he was so scared, and so angry that he messed up.  Sometimes it pays to put the pressure on people....thats what I learn from this.  He gave me an answer, he gave me power, he gave me control of my life again.
As I said before, I no longer feel the need to pressure the police department.  I have my answer....now its up to them to process my case correctly and fight for me.  I have to admit- I am the first to criticize the NOPD for their handling of rape cases.....I am skeptical of their need to now publicly announce every step they feel they are taking toward change........but at the same time, I can see that they actually are making an effort and that change takes time.....and I can only hope that other departments follow their lead.
Right now, I think I would be ok if this didnt go to trial.....I would be pissed for sure, but I have my answer. I have proof he raped me.....and im not sure what good it would do me that he goes to jail....he violated me and that cant be undone. Putting him in jail is just a bonus but it doesnt help take away the fact that I was raped.   I say right now I would be ok with no trial.....but if that actually turns out to be true, I have no clue how I would handle it...... I may end up back in the emotional state I was in when this whole ordeal started... a fire would be lit under my ass and I would start my fight all over again........ I honestly dont know if I want to put myself through all of that again...it was exhausting! 
There is no point in dwelling on the what ifs.  I know this now. I can process this in my head.  I have to deal with things as they come.  I got an answer I am happy.

I am a different person than I was when I began posting.  I was one person before the rape, I turned into another right after, and now I have become another whole new person.  I'd like to think Im actually the new and improved version of my old self.  I am the person I was before my rape, just a little stronger and a little more outspoken...... a little less afraid to speak my mind, a little less guarded about revealing my personal life to people.  I'd like to think I am coming out on top of all of this.  I am in a good place, and I like the person I have become......im hoping I dont have to become a fourth version of myself though....version number 3 has been the best me yet :)


Ok ...back to work....thanks for listening   - Have a wonderful weekend everyone...I think I am going to take this one for myself and relax a bit