Monday, December 3, 2012
Suck it up buttercup 12/3/12
Again, not sure when the last time I posted was.....seems like forever ago
I went back. Plain and simple.
Not to fight for my rights that were completely violated, not to put myself through any more psychological torment. I just went back to a place I once loved.
It may have taken me 2 years, but I was finally able to go back to a city that used to feel like home. I got to walk around and see all the places that I had so many memories, and some new places where I got to make new ones. I got to go back to the Dome and watch the Saints play - I missed the sounds of that place , and I got to see them beat the Falcons :)
2 years of medication to stablize my mood and keep me from breaking. 2 years to push everyone in my life that I cared about away. 2 years of working non stop and shutting the world out.
I kept traveling, but staying away from New Orleans, and that was a great distraction for me. At least I had something to do with all the extra money from putting in so many hours.
I still think about my rape every day....though most days I am able to distract myself pretty quickly. I guess that part isn't going to ever go away, but I can deal with that. I don't try to end my life anymore, I do have times when I feel incredible sadness, but I just lock myself in my house and take meds to let me sleep it off.
Unfortunately, by me fighting to find my way through all of this, I ended up alone. I have my family, but my mother is the only one who knows everything I have been through. My best friend, that got me through the worst of it (most of the time without even knowing she did anything to help) is basically out of my life now. I see her occasionally at work, but I haven't made plans or had her over in over a year.
I came to the realization that my rape changed my entire world. Not only was I violated by some guy with fucked up hair, frat boy mentality and the thoughts in his head that he was some sort of God and he could do what he pleased without someone at least pointing out that one of these days he won't get away with assaulting women...but my world back here at home is completely shattered. When I think back to 2 years ago and the friends I had and the carefree attitude I had toward most things, I realize how much I really lost.
In September, my stepfather passed away suddenly of a heart attack. My mother was out of town and I had to call to tell her. Im the strongest in my family, so I take on all of the hard stuff and try to spare my sisters. I had to hold it together and be strong for my mother, who has had so much more loss in her life than any 55 year old should have. I still hear the "noise" (if thats what you can call it) she made when I told her he didn't make it. I had to hold it together for my mom, I couldn't show her how sad I was....I was the one she needed to lean on. When I finally broke, I realized I had no one to lean on. I was alone. I had no one left in my life that I could turn to, no one that could just sit there and talk to or cry with. My stepfathers death forced me to come to the realization that I had become alone in this world.
My best friend was distant at best, my sisters have no idea of my torment over the last few years.
I ended things with a man I was seeing because I couldn't handle that he knew every detail of my rape and my struggle. I told him everything. He went back to New Orleans with me twice to try to get my case to go through. I left him because he knew too much and had turned into a constant reminder of my rape.
My best friend met someone and is happy as ever, my sisters are oblivious to anything that goes on with me on an emotional basis (its now actually a family joke that I am an emotionless bitch), and my ex is dating someone new and as much as I want to be happy for him , i feel nothing but hatred.
So i realized I needed to suck it up. Force myself back out into the world. And what better way to do that than to force my way back to the place that ended my world as I knew it.
I went back to New Orleans and I had a blast. Not one tear shed. It felt completely like old, careless times. Just me, my sister and our friend, out enjoying anything and everything life in New Orleans has to offer.
Im cutting down all the medication, I am sick of feeling numb and apathetic toward everything. I am trying to make plans and stick to them. I am determined to get back to being the person I was....and a little bit better of course. :)
Friday, April 20, 2012
update
April 20, 2012
Its been some time since I last wrote. I wish I could tell you it was because things were all good. But, things are good in the sense that I havent had the urge to kill myself in quite some time....so there's some progress.
I have become incredibly stressed out. In trying to avoid "downtime" I have been working 7 days a week and when Im not working I am constantly working on my new place. As long as Im busy, my thoughts seem to stay focused on the present for the most part.
I hear that stress can do a real number one a persons body. You can lose your hair, gain or lose weight, end up with a deficient immune system..... I am not sure stress from all of this is what cause my most recent medical issue, but I cant help but wonder. I cant help but wonder if my body is so weak from all of these crazy thoughts and worry that it physically just gave out. Somehow my ovary got twisted, and for those women who have had this happen before it was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I was just fully recovered from my surgery back in September....the last time my body failed me. I was starting to be ok again, getting back to the gym, hanging out with people again, etc.....and then my body just failed again.
I was so determined to avoid downtime that I went back to work 2 days later. It was hard, painful and exhausting....but at least I was able to keep focus on something and not let the thoughts creep into my head.
I had a mental breakdown last week. First emergency surgery and then....a mouse decided to take up residence in my air mass flow censor/filter and chew through my wiring. I broke down on the highway at 5 AM on my way into work. That was my tipping point. I became so emotionally weak. Everything bad was happening to me so close together. Emotionally weak means those thoughts I had been trying to avoid for so long all come rushing into my head....there was no stopping them. I completely lost it.
Thoughts of how I got screwed over by the NOPD as well as the ADA. Thoughts of how my rapist got away with it. Thoughts of how weak of a person Kevin was for not stepping in, not saying a word....for just going along with it ....and going on with his life as if nothing happened.
Its my 30th birthday in September. Every time one of my friends turned 30 we would go to New Orleans to celebrate. I thought I would be ok with going back, heck, I have been back twice since my rape....but both of those times were to speak with and pressure the ADA. To let her know I wasnt going away. Now, when I think about going back it makes my stomach turn. I cant bring myself to go back. Completely irrational on my part. The "man" that raped me isnt from New Orleans, I shouldn't be uncomfortable going back. But the thing is, that whole city is just a reminder of my rape. I could do with less reminders.
After my breakdown I went to my Dr. Another good sign that I dont want to kill myself anymore. She thinks im depressed. Big surprise there. Its an unfortunate reality that being raped leads to depression. So, another pill to take. Skeptical as usual I started taking it a week ago. I know these things usually take time to feel the effects, but yesterday I felt like I had a really great day. I left work early, got a little shopping done, met my sister for lunch. I really do feel better and as strange as it may sound, my chest feels a little lighter and I can take a full breath again
Stay Strong :)
Its been some time since I last wrote. I wish I could tell you it was because things were all good. But, things are good in the sense that I havent had the urge to kill myself in quite some time....so there's some progress.
I have become incredibly stressed out. In trying to avoid "downtime" I have been working 7 days a week and when Im not working I am constantly working on my new place. As long as Im busy, my thoughts seem to stay focused on the present for the most part.
I hear that stress can do a real number one a persons body. You can lose your hair, gain or lose weight, end up with a deficient immune system..... I am not sure stress from all of this is what cause my most recent medical issue, but I cant help but wonder. I cant help but wonder if my body is so weak from all of these crazy thoughts and worry that it physically just gave out. Somehow my ovary got twisted, and for those women who have had this happen before it was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I was just fully recovered from my surgery back in September....the last time my body failed me. I was starting to be ok again, getting back to the gym, hanging out with people again, etc.....and then my body just failed again.
I was so determined to avoid downtime that I went back to work 2 days later. It was hard, painful and exhausting....but at least I was able to keep focus on something and not let the thoughts creep into my head.
I had a mental breakdown last week. First emergency surgery and then....a mouse decided to take up residence in my air mass flow censor/filter and chew through my wiring. I broke down on the highway at 5 AM on my way into work. That was my tipping point. I became so emotionally weak. Everything bad was happening to me so close together. Emotionally weak means those thoughts I had been trying to avoid for so long all come rushing into my head....there was no stopping them. I completely lost it.
Thoughts of how I got screwed over by the NOPD as well as the ADA. Thoughts of how my rapist got away with it. Thoughts of how weak of a person Kevin was for not stepping in, not saying a word....for just going along with it ....and going on with his life as if nothing happened.
Its my 30th birthday in September. Every time one of my friends turned 30 we would go to New Orleans to celebrate. I thought I would be ok with going back, heck, I have been back twice since my rape....but both of those times were to speak with and pressure the ADA. To let her know I wasnt going away. Now, when I think about going back it makes my stomach turn. I cant bring myself to go back. Completely irrational on my part. The "man" that raped me isnt from New Orleans, I shouldn't be uncomfortable going back. But the thing is, that whole city is just a reminder of my rape. I could do with less reminders.
After my breakdown I went to my Dr. Another good sign that I dont want to kill myself anymore. She thinks im depressed. Big surprise there. Its an unfortunate reality that being raped leads to depression. So, another pill to take. Skeptical as usual I started taking it a week ago. I know these things usually take time to feel the effects, but yesterday I felt like I had a really great day. I left work early, got a little shopping done, met my sister for lunch. I really do feel better and as strange as it may sound, my chest feels a little lighter and I can take a full breath again
Stay Strong :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Do I end up happy?
Jan 24, 2012
Do I end up happy seems to come to mind today. What is to become of this thing I am doing, what I am doing sure isn't living....so what is it then? Coping? Deflecting? Surviving? Ignorning?
I thought th point to having a life was to live it, but all these things mentioned above seem to be what I'm doing in place of living. All thanks to a bad decision, placing my trust in the wrong people, a rapist who couldn't get sex from a woman without forcefully taking it, a lazy, rude, incompetant police department and a lazy un-willing to help ADA.
Can I find my way back to living? Can I find my way back to happiness?
I haven't written in quite some time now- reason being I am trying a new theory....that seems to be all I can do to try to get some sort of life back...theorize.
I gave my computer away, my one and only link to this blog seeing how I don't like to use my phone to do it. So, in theory, if I have no computer, I have no were to express what I am feeling, I have no outlet. The logic by taking away my one and only release was to find another way. You cannot go through life with one thing holding you on your feet. And for the good part of a year, my blog got me out of bed and held me up.
But I am better than that. Living life grabbing on to one thing to keep me saine. While my blog was helping, it was also a constan, lingering, reminder that I had been raped. Every day I felt the need to write was because I was raped, then I suddenly realized that on the days I didn't feel I needed to write, on the days where life seemed almost normal...knowing I I had this blog stood as a reminder that I was raped.
I have finally accepted that nothing will ever come of my case, I have also accepted that mulling and mourning over that fact will not help me recover. I gave my computer away as the last constant reminder of my rape. I no long see this animals face anymore (I could pass him on the street and not know who he was). And even that image of his god-forsaken hair that I had found so hilarious is gone.
I no longer have to take ativan to sleep every night.
I guess psychologists would call this the acceptance phase.
I no longer need to rely on just one thing to get me through my days.
And to the person that posted about their partner leaving them after bing raped, you are much better off than you realize.
In time you would have grown to resent this person for one of 2 reasons, they would have been walking on eggshells around you, or pressure you into doing things you are simply just not ready to do. Having a parter stay with you makes you feelings even more deep, you have enough going on in you head, you do not need the extra pressure of caring about someone elses feelings on top of that. This is you time to be selfish and take care of youself over anyone else. I truly feel your partner did you a favor (even tho it may not feel that way now).
I am so sorry you have to go through this- know that everything you are feeling is normal and never feel shameful for the way you feel or at times lash out.
Do I end up happy seems to come to mind today. What is to become of this thing I am doing, what I am doing sure isn't living....so what is it then? Coping? Deflecting? Surviving? Ignorning?
I thought th point to having a life was to live it, but all these things mentioned above seem to be what I'm doing in place of living. All thanks to a bad decision, placing my trust in the wrong people, a rapist who couldn't get sex from a woman without forcefully taking it, a lazy, rude, incompetant police department and a lazy un-willing to help ADA.
Can I find my way back to living? Can I find my way back to happiness?
I haven't written in quite some time now- reason being I am trying a new theory....that seems to be all I can do to try to get some sort of life back...theorize.
I gave my computer away, my one and only link to this blog seeing how I don't like to use my phone to do it. So, in theory, if I have no computer, I have no were to express what I am feeling, I have no outlet. The logic by taking away my one and only release was to find another way. You cannot go through life with one thing holding you on your feet. And for the good part of a year, my blog got me out of bed and held me up.
But I am better than that. Living life grabbing on to one thing to keep me saine. While my blog was helping, it was also a constan, lingering, reminder that I had been raped. Every day I felt the need to write was because I was raped, then I suddenly realized that on the days I didn't feel I needed to write, on the days where life seemed almost normal...knowing I I had this blog stood as a reminder that I was raped.
I have finally accepted that nothing will ever come of my case, I have also accepted that mulling and mourning over that fact will not help me recover. I gave my computer away as the last constant reminder of my rape. I no long see this animals face anymore (I could pass him on the street and not know who he was). And even that image of his god-forsaken hair that I had found so hilarious is gone.
I no longer have to take ativan to sleep every night.
I guess psychologists would call this the acceptance phase.
I no longer need to rely on just one thing to get me through my days.
And to the person that posted about their partner leaving them after bing raped, you are much better off than you realize.
In time you would have grown to resent this person for one of 2 reasons, they would have been walking on eggshells around you, or pressure you into doing things you are simply just not ready to do. Having a parter stay with you makes you feelings even more deep, you have enough going on in you head, you do not need the extra pressure of caring about someone elses feelings on top of that. This is you time to be selfish and take care of youself over anyone else. I truly feel your partner did you a favor (even tho it may not feel that way now).
I am so sorry you have to go through this- know that everything you are feeling is normal and never feel shameful for the way you feel or at times lash out.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
existing
Tues Nov 29, 2011
A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection. I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage. I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff. It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time. I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy.
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night. I found myself annoyed for the most part, with pretty much just being in public. I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends, I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying.
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.
What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun. I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :)
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again. Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.
My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news. The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon, something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute. At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it. So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried. I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.
One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....
A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection. I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage. I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff. It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time. I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy.
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night. I found myself annoyed for the most part, with pretty much just being in public. I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends, I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying.
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.
What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun. I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :)
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again. Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.
My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news. The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon, something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute. At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it. So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried. I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.
One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I have no Kitchen
Sunday Nov 20, 2011
I have been on edge for over a week now. I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off
I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.
Take today as another example. I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking. My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan. I flipped out. Ran around the house slamming things until she left.
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles.
I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better. But that wasnt enough, after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this??? No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.
I find myself wondering what the point of life is. More often than not, life is a struggle. What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die. You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar. When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone.
Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness, for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.
I have been on edge for over a week now. I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off
I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.
Take today as another example. I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking. My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan. I flipped out. Ran around the house slamming things until she left.
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles.
I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better. But that wasnt enough, after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this??? No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.
I find myself wondering what the point of life is. More often than not, life is a struggle. What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die. You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar. When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone.
Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness, for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
a little advice
Nov 5 2011
Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok
I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left. There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well. This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice
I get it. The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it. They cant write either, I get that too.
Here is a little background on me. I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public. I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it. If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation.
I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life. As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you.
That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world. I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...
My Advice: like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims. I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape. When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up. There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.
I found that writing, for me, was my best outlet. As I said earlier.....I am not a writer. I havent written anything of substance in my life. The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help. No one is looking at me with pity. At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me, I found it to be a necessity. After I was raped, I was looking for help. My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were. How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance. I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything. There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance. There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"
So I decided to do something about it. My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort.
Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you. It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written. Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic.
As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps. Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better. Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does.
Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true. I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.
I hope this helps . please keep me updated on how you are doing :)
Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok
I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left. There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well. This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice
I get it. The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it. They cant write either, I get that too.
Here is a little background on me. I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public. I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it. If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation.
I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life. As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you.
That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world. I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...
My Advice: like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims. I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape. When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up. There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.
I found that writing, for me, was my best outlet. As I said earlier.....I am not a writer. I havent written anything of substance in my life. The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help. No one is looking at me with pity. At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me, I found it to be a necessity. After I was raped, I was looking for help. My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were. How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance. I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything. There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance. There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"
So I decided to do something about it. My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort.
Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you. It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written. Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic.
As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps. Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better. Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does.
Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true. I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.
I hope this helps . please keep me updated on how you are doing :)
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