9/5/11
Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see. The month, a year from when I was raped.
I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office. A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape. Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life. This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long. Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me. Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.
Nights are the worst for me. I cant sleep. I lay down but I cant relax . When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head. I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep. How ridiculous is this. I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves. Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.
I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between. Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world. During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky. Luckily my boss is understanding I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.
I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore. I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play. Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on. I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape. I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office.
Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place. I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.
I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it. But the comments that were posted brought me to tears. My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling.
It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write. It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape. Its strange. I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down.
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible. The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory. My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
I thought I was over this
Monday 8/15/11
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moday August 8
Im finding myself angry pretty much all of the time. My life isnt carefree and fun like it used to be
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday June 20,2011
I went to visit my father yesterday for fathers day.
He has been gone for 8 years now, but every fathers day I go visit him.
This year was the most difficult year I have had. My family bought the plot next to where my father is buried. This plot was so that my mother could be buried next to him when she passes away... we didnt want him to be alone out there.
But when I got to his grave site and looked at the empty space next to it, I couldnt help but imagine that I am going to be the one that ends up there. I have made many attempts and had many thoughts about killing myself.
I still get nauseous when the thoughts find a way to creep back into my mind. I feel nauseous about the freak that raped me and his stupid hair, I feel nauseous that his friends and the guy I thought was my friend did nothing to help. I feel nauseous at the incompetence of the Orleans Parish DA's office. I feel nauseous that the only thing I can due is sue the piece of shit. He will never be held criminally liable for any of this.
I do have to say that details are getting fuzzier and fuzzier as time goes by, and that, is a blessing. The only thing I remember about my rapist was that he had stupid hair and he clearly thought he was a lot better looking than he is. I do remember the details of how poorly I was treated by the NOPD, and the Orleans Parish DA's office....that still gets my stomach turning.
I cant bring myself to go back to that city. And its not due to fear of violence, its more that I am so angry at the agencies that were supposed to help me. I am purely disgusted with everything about how my case was treated. One of my favorite cities now makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going back there.
My thoughts dont creep into my head as much as they used to during the day. I am incredibly busy at my job, so I always have something to focus on....not to mention this new woman I work with is a complete idiot and i am stuck answering about 13000 questions a day......she gets the brunt of my frustration .
The worst time for me is at night, when i am trying to relax and get some sleep....thats when the thoughts really start to come out.....i usually have to take an ativan just to get my mind to stop racing.
More often than not, i find myself wishing i would just kill myself so I wouldnt have to go through all of this. Having to walk around with this in my head all day, every day is getting pretty tiring.
I think about killing myself at least twice a week , I guess thats a few steps up from wanting to die everyday.
But sitting at my fathers grave did give me comfort in knowing that if I decide that this is all too much and that I dont want to carry on like this, I wont be alone. I will be in that plot, right next to him and i will be safe. I will be at peace
He has been gone for 8 years now, but every fathers day I go visit him.
This year was the most difficult year I have had. My family bought the plot next to where my father is buried. This plot was so that my mother could be buried next to him when she passes away... we didnt want him to be alone out there.
But when I got to his grave site and looked at the empty space next to it, I couldnt help but imagine that I am going to be the one that ends up there. I have made many attempts and had many thoughts about killing myself.
I still get nauseous when the thoughts find a way to creep back into my mind. I feel nauseous about the freak that raped me and his stupid hair, I feel nauseous that his friends and the guy I thought was my friend did nothing to help. I feel nauseous at the incompetence of the Orleans Parish DA's office. I feel nauseous that the only thing I can due is sue the piece of shit. He will never be held criminally liable for any of this.
I do have to say that details are getting fuzzier and fuzzier as time goes by, and that, is a blessing. The only thing I remember about my rapist was that he had stupid hair and he clearly thought he was a lot better looking than he is. I do remember the details of how poorly I was treated by the NOPD, and the Orleans Parish DA's office....that still gets my stomach turning.
I cant bring myself to go back to that city. And its not due to fear of violence, its more that I am so angry at the agencies that were supposed to help me. I am purely disgusted with everything about how my case was treated. One of my favorite cities now makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going back there.
My thoughts dont creep into my head as much as they used to during the day. I am incredibly busy at my job, so I always have something to focus on....not to mention this new woman I work with is a complete idiot and i am stuck answering about 13000 questions a day......she gets the brunt of my frustration .
The worst time for me is at night, when i am trying to relax and get some sleep....thats when the thoughts really start to come out.....i usually have to take an ativan just to get my mind to stop racing.
More often than not, i find myself wishing i would just kill myself so I wouldnt have to go through all of this. Having to walk around with this in my head all day, every day is getting pretty tiring.
I think about killing myself at least twice a week , I guess thats a few steps up from wanting to die everyday.
But sitting at my fathers grave did give me comfort in knowing that if I decide that this is all too much and that I dont want to carry on like this, I wont be alone. I will be in that plot, right next to him and i will be safe. I will be at peace
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A glimpse into my head
Wed 5/11/11
I still cant sleep. It is 11:43 PM and I am still up. Thoughts replaying in my mind.
There has to be a reason I am on this earth. I should have died back in August, but I didnt. I find it hard to imagine a world that would save me from death for the sole purpose of having me raped in September.
There has to be something more, I could really use finding out just what that is soon because I am slowly losing all hope. I am angry, I am sad, I am beyond disgusted that I have made absolutely no impact on how the NOPD handles rape victims and their cases. I have accomplished nothing, in putting my rape out in public to educate anyone and everyone that will listen.
I take that back, I have accomplished something. In my writing as my way of self therapy, I was able to keep myself alive. I was able to not successfully kill myself , though it wasnt for lack of trying.
I am growing more and more disgusted with the NOPD and the DA's office.
It is still eating at me that not a single officer left me a number to which I could contact them, So that when I got out of the hospital after all my testing I could call. I had to call precinct to precinct and no one could help, no one could even connect me to any department i would need to speak with.
The only way I got a phone number for an officer was when I was back in the hospital having more pictures taken of new bruises that were showing up. I started asking how I could contact people, and no one seemed to have a clue. Luckily a nurse was able to get me a number.
But seriously, how does that happen?
And another thing that keeps eating away at me is the Asst. DA. Mary Glass or whatever her name was.
In summary, what she told me was that I wasnt raped because I wasnt in my bedroom, in my own residence.
So everyone be aware, if you are sexually assaulted in a friends house, according to this fine Asst. DA, you are not a victim of rape.
And the NOPD being as fine as they are, will let your rapist fly back home to Arizona the very next day....without informing you that your rapist is still out there and not being held.
I am no longer afraid of people in public that have a resemblance to any of the guys....truth be told the only face I remember anymore is Kevins.....but when you have an interest in someone, you tend to remember their face....So I am going to probably have to struggle with that the rest of my life....however long or short that may end up being.
My life isnt what it used to be. It isnt as fun, there is a lot less laughter. I deal with things that frustrate me by lashing out at people now. I still travel, but even that has lost its appeal to me.
I had my trip to Vegas back in early april and I didnt have fun. I was in bed by 9 pm friday and saturday nights because I didnt feel like doing anything, in a city that I loved so much at one point in my life.
Im heading back to Hawaii in a few weeks....I just need to get out of this town and all the frustrations at my job. I need time to collect myself and get my shit back together.
All of this.....because of some shithead that thought it would be hilarious to violate me. I tell myself to just brush it off and get over it.....and most of the time I can. And honestly this idiot isnt what keeps me awake at night. My disgust with the NOPD and the DA's office is really what gets at me all the time......and I wouldnt have this disgust for them had it not been for this shithead. I could care less if my rapist is dead or alive, he did what he did....now he and his friends have to live knowing that. I can live knowing that if I ever happen to bump in to him that he will be killed by my hands and I will accept punishment for it. I can also live with me never bumping into him and moving on with my life in as normal way as I can.
He also has to live with knowing that one day, I will show up in whatever town he happens to be living in at the time.
I still cant sleep. It is 11:43 PM and I am still up. Thoughts replaying in my mind.
There has to be a reason I am on this earth. I should have died back in August, but I didnt. I find it hard to imagine a world that would save me from death for the sole purpose of having me raped in September.
There has to be something more, I could really use finding out just what that is soon because I am slowly losing all hope. I am angry, I am sad, I am beyond disgusted that I have made absolutely no impact on how the NOPD handles rape victims and their cases. I have accomplished nothing, in putting my rape out in public to educate anyone and everyone that will listen.
I take that back, I have accomplished something. In my writing as my way of self therapy, I was able to keep myself alive. I was able to not successfully kill myself , though it wasnt for lack of trying.
I am growing more and more disgusted with the NOPD and the DA's office.
It is still eating at me that not a single officer left me a number to which I could contact them, So that when I got out of the hospital after all my testing I could call. I had to call precinct to precinct and no one could help, no one could even connect me to any department i would need to speak with.
The only way I got a phone number for an officer was when I was back in the hospital having more pictures taken of new bruises that were showing up. I started asking how I could contact people, and no one seemed to have a clue. Luckily a nurse was able to get me a number.
But seriously, how does that happen?
And another thing that keeps eating away at me is the Asst. DA. Mary Glass or whatever her name was.
In summary, what she told me was that I wasnt raped because I wasnt in my bedroom, in my own residence.
So everyone be aware, if you are sexually assaulted in a friends house, according to this fine Asst. DA, you are not a victim of rape.
And the NOPD being as fine as they are, will let your rapist fly back home to Arizona the very next day....without informing you that your rapist is still out there and not being held.
I am no longer afraid of people in public that have a resemblance to any of the guys....truth be told the only face I remember anymore is Kevins.....but when you have an interest in someone, you tend to remember their face....So I am going to probably have to struggle with that the rest of my life....however long or short that may end up being.
My life isnt what it used to be. It isnt as fun, there is a lot less laughter. I deal with things that frustrate me by lashing out at people now. I still travel, but even that has lost its appeal to me.
I had my trip to Vegas back in early april and I didnt have fun. I was in bed by 9 pm friday and saturday nights because I didnt feel like doing anything, in a city that I loved so much at one point in my life.
Im heading back to Hawaii in a few weeks....I just need to get out of this town and all the frustrations at my job. I need time to collect myself and get my shit back together.
All of this.....because of some shithead that thought it would be hilarious to violate me. I tell myself to just brush it off and get over it.....and most of the time I can. And honestly this idiot isnt what keeps me awake at night. My disgust with the NOPD and the DA's office is really what gets at me all the time......and I wouldnt have this disgust for them had it not been for this shithead. I could care less if my rapist is dead or alive, he did what he did....now he and his friends have to live knowing that. I can live knowing that if I ever happen to bump in to him that he will be killed by my hands and I will accept punishment for it. I can also live with me never bumping into him and moving on with my life in as normal way as I can.
He also has to live with knowing that one day, I will show up in whatever town he happens to be living in at the time.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Trying to keep it together
April 16 2011
Its been a while.
Dont know if anyone reads this anymore.
Im having a bit of a rough time. No idea why.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the thought of disappointing my family.
I have been fine for quite a bit now. Ive still had the thoughts in the back of my mind.....but nothing overly significant. Nothing to keep me from living my life as normal as possible. I'll be honest. There were a few days where my rape didnt pop into my head more than twice in a day.
All of a sudden my mind has started racing again. Mostly at night, when I dont have anything to focus on.
I have had severe lack of sleep over the past week. Its starting to take its toll. Im exhausted. Im run down. Im crying for what seems to be no reason at all.
Im usually fine being alone. I prefer it that way, but lately , with this lack of sleep, Ive been getting that pit back in my stomach. I have no one to talk to any more. ...not that I really talked about what happened in the first place....
I thought I was over this. I thought I had put everything behind me. To be honest....right now, whats really bothering me and causing my mind to race is the lack of competency of the NOPD and the DA's office. I dont know what actually was more of a violation, my rape, or the lack of effort/respect/competency of these two departments that are supposed to serve and protect. I honestly think I feel more violated by our so called "justice system" than the so called "man" that raped me.
I have everything to live for. I have a great life. My rapist could have taken that away from me....I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion....but now, its more the thought of the NOPD and the DA's office that makes me sick to my stomach. The thoughts of those departments are what keeps me awake at night.
I have accepted that I was raped. I have accepted that I was both physically and mentally assaulted by an insignificant "man" with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen. I have come to terms with that.
What I cant come to terms with is that not only was I physically raped by another "human being" but I have been emotionally raped by two departments that were supposed to protect me. Two departments that were supposed to uphold the law and protect victims.
I cant explain why all of this is hitting me right now....then again I cant really explain anything that has happened since late September. But maybe for now I will need to get back to writing.....to keep me alive.
Writing... to get through my rape, because clearly, as much as I thought I had gotten over everything, I have come right back into the emotional disaster I was in when it first happened.
Thanks for listening.
Its been a while.
Dont know if anyone reads this anymore.
Im having a bit of a rough time. No idea why.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the thought of disappointing my family.
I have been fine for quite a bit now. Ive still had the thoughts in the back of my mind.....but nothing overly significant. Nothing to keep me from living my life as normal as possible. I'll be honest. There were a few days where my rape didnt pop into my head more than twice in a day.
All of a sudden my mind has started racing again. Mostly at night, when I dont have anything to focus on.
I have had severe lack of sleep over the past week. Its starting to take its toll. Im exhausted. Im run down. Im crying for what seems to be no reason at all.
Im usually fine being alone. I prefer it that way, but lately , with this lack of sleep, Ive been getting that pit back in my stomach. I have no one to talk to any more. ...not that I really talked about what happened in the first place....
I thought I was over this. I thought I had put everything behind me. To be honest....right now, whats really bothering me and causing my mind to race is the lack of competency of the NOPD and the DA's office. I dont know what actually was more of a violation, my rape, or the lack of effort/respect/competency of these two departments that are supposed to serve and protect. I honestly think I feel more violated by our so called "justice system" than the so called "man" that raped me.
I have everything to live for. I have a great life. My rapist could have taken that away from me....I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion....but now, its more the thought of the NOPD and the DA's office that makes me sick to my stomach. The thoughts of those departments are what keeps me awake at night.
I have accepted that I was raped. I have accepted that I was both physically and mentally assaulted by an insignificant "man" with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen. I have come to terms with that.
What I cant come to terms with is that not only was I physically raped by another "human being" but I have been emotionally raped by two departments that were supposed to protect me. Two departments that were supposed to uphold the law and protect victims.
I cant explain why all of this is hitting me right now....then again I cant really explain anything that has happened since late September. But maybe for now I will need to get back to writing.....to keep me alive.
Writing... to get through my rape, because clearly, as much as I thought I had gotten over everything, I have come right back into the emotional disaster I was in when it first happened.
Thanks for listening.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Hey Strangers
Monday 3/7/11-
I cant even remember the last time I posted...It has been quite a while. My best guess is early February when I had my breakdown after my vacation to Hawaii.
You can probably tell by my lack of writing I am doing better. I think the jet lag and exhaustion were just a little too much for me and severely heightened my emotions.
I can tell you there are 2 main reasons my writing has stopped....One, incredibly more significant than the other.
First- My ex reads this blog like it is the air he breathes. He read it daily when we were together, so Im sure, now that we are apart, he reads to find out how I am doing and what is going on in my life. We dont speak at all anymore....we had a difference in opinion on some things and I decided I couldnt have him in my life anymore.....he was very emotional about a lot of things, and in all honesty I am being selfish because I just dont have it in me to care or worry about anyone but myself. So one thing leads to another and I dont speak with him......and I also really dont want him knowing what is going on in my life.....So I stopped writing. He is not the only reason for my break from the world of blogging though. ...... trust me, Ive my emotions hadnt somewhat stabilized I would still write despite his unseemingly endless need to know my life.
Second- and most important reason-
I remember, back when I first started posting everything, one of my biggest questions is why don't more victims get their stories out there? Why dont rape victims post their experience to the world so others in the same position can be helped......... Im pretty sure I have my answer.
Good things start to happen again. Life doesnt stop (although there where a few times in which i tried to make it) - In all reality, the good things in life never stopped......I just couldnt see the good in them. I couldnt see through my anger, rage , sadness etc, ..that good things were still happening, they were just another annoyance in a day I was just doing my best to get through. But somewhere after my breakdown in early February things started to change. I got myself back together, regained my composure and got on with my life. I started to recognize that good things were happening, i wasnt just seeing them as a part of everyday life that were meaningless and annoying anymore.
That heavy pit in my chest isnt there all that much anymore. I cant remember the last time I had to take an ativan...or the last time I even had a panic attack. I started getting out of the house more. Ive met some new people that turned out to be pretty ok. Somewhere, in the cold, snowy winter I found myself getting out of the house and surrounding myself with people.....I actually go out to dinner some nights now...not a huge accomplishment but hey...... Good things dont stop, victims just stop noticing them. For me, I finally stopped ignoring them and Im starting to enjoy my life again...I know there will be times where I relapse into thinking this world is shit, but for now, I am going to take this new found happiness and run as far with it as I can.......
Which leads me back to my lack of writing- I used writing as a coping mechanism. Something to get me through those days that I didnt necessarily want to make it through. Writing was my way to survive....and I hope that posting what I went through was able to help even just one person. I hope more rape victims will do what I have done and post everything they are going through....it brings awareness.....
But now, when I am doing well, I dont feel the need to write. Writing now, just brings me back to that dark place. Its time to move on......I now understand why the few rape victims that have posted, dont post continuously....its just a sad reminder. I will now join them. I will randomly post, when I am having my dark days and need an outlet....but I dont need this blog to help me right now. It will always be here on those days I need to vent.....but right now, it serves mostly as a reminder....and right now I dont need a reminder....my rape is in my head every day......but every day it just gets buried deeper and deeper and I am ok with that.
There is no sense in blogging if it is just going to take me back to that place.
Thank you to all that have read this, and to all that supported me through the worst time in my life. Its time I stop living in my past when everything seems to be getting brighter for me right now. As I previously said,
this is my last post.....until I have a day when I feel I need to use my words to survive. If I no longer have to think of what I am going to post in my blog, I can start moving on with one less reminder of my rape.
So goodbye, hopefully for a while- and thanks again :)
I cant even remember the last time I posted...It has been quite a while. My best guess is early February when I had my breakdown after my vacation to Hawaii.
You can probably tell by my lack of writing I am doing better. I think the jet lag and exhaustion were just a little too much for me and severely heightened my emotions.
I can tell you there are 2 main reasons my writing has stopped....One, incredibly more significant than the other.
First- My ex reads this blog like it is the air he breathes. He read it daily when we were together, so Im sure, now that we are apart, he reads to find out how I am doing and what is going on in my life. We dont speak at all anymore....we had a difference in opinion on some things and I decided I couldnt have him in my life anymore.....he was very emotional about a lot of things, and in all honesty I am being selfish because I just dont have it in me to care or worry about anyone but myself. So one thing leads to another and I dont speak with him......and I also really dont want him knowing what is going on in my life.....So I stopped writing. He is not the only reason for my break from the world of blogging though. ...... trust me, Ive my emotions hadnt somewhat stabilized I would still write despite his unseemingly endless need to know my life.
Second- and most important reason-
I remember, back when I first started posting everything, one of my biggest questions is why don't more victims get their stories out there? Why dont rape victims post their experience to the world so others in the same position can be helped......... Im pretty sure I have my answer.
Good things start to happen again. Life doesnt stop (although there where a few times in which i tried to make it) - In all reality, the good things in life never stopped......I just couldnt see the good in them. I couldnt see through my anger, rage , sadness etc, ..that good things were still happening, they were just another annoyance in a day I was just doing my best to get through. But somewhere after my breakdown in early February things started to change. I got myself back together, regained my composure and got on with my life. I started to recognize that good things were happening, i wasnt just seeing them as a part of everyday life that were meaningless and annoying anymore.
That heavy pit in my chest isnt there all that much anymore. I cant remember the last time I had to take an ativan...or the last time I even had a panic attack. I started getting out of the house more. Ive met some new people that turned out to be pretty ok. Somewhere, in the cold, snowy winter I found myself getting out of the house and surrounding myself with people.....I actually go out to dinner some nights now...not a huge accomplishment but hey...... Good things dont stop, victims just stop noticing them. For me, I finally stopped ignoring them and Im starting to enjoy my life again...I know there will be times where I relapse into thinking this world is shit, but for now, I am going to take this new found happiness and run as far with it as I can.......
Which leads me back to my lack of writing- I used writing as a coping mechanism. Something to get me through those days that I didnt necessarily want to make it through. Writing was my way to survive....and I hope that posting what I went through was able to help even just one person. I hope more rape victims will do what I have done and post everything they are going through....it brings awareness.....
But now, when I am doing well, I dont feel the need to write. Writing now, just brings me back to that dark place. Its time to move on......I now understand why the few rape victims that have posted, dont post continuously....its just a sad reminder. I will now join them. I will randomly post, when I am having my dark days and need an outlet....but I dont need this blog to help me right now. It will always be here on those days I need to vent.....but right now, it serves mostly as a reminder....and right now I dont need a reminder....my rape is in my head every day......but every day it just gets buried deeper and deeper and I am ok with that.
There is no sense in blogging if it is just going to take me back to that place.
Thank you to all that have read this, and to all that supported me through the worst time in my life. Its time I stop living in my past when everything seems to be getting brighter for me right now. As I previously said,
this is my last post.....until I have a day when I feel I need to use my words to survive. If I no longer have to think of what I am going to post in my blog, I can start moving on with one less reminder of my rape.
So goodbye, hopefully for a while- and thanks again :)
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