Friday 10/1/2010- I can put September behind me.
I wake up at 4 AM- bizarre,crazy out of sorts dreams. Very real.- I am able to fall back to sleep, its now 6:10 and I feel well enough to get out of bed. Im fighting off this cold well, just a small cough and a slightly stuffy nose, my eyes are no longer puffy but still a little sore. I am having issues with vaginal itching still....im hoping that when my GYN opens they will have an available appointment.
Im in the bathroom drying off my legs and something catches the corner of my eye. Its that bruise on my left thigh. It has gotten even more dark and bigger in size...when is it going to turn that ugly yellowish color?? When is it going to start healing? I glance at my left forearm- its starting to turn that yellow color - it is starting to fade- im hoping my memories will go with it- Once that bruise is gone, thats one less reminder of what has happened.
Jumpstart is on my Tv- Adam Lambert once again- I laugh, get dressed and im off to work.
6:50- I get to work.....yes it only takes me 40 minutes from the time I get up to when I get to work. I shower get dressed and go with wet hair and no make-up. I dont need to look pretty to do my job well.
I sit down and a thought crosses my mind-
The NOPD is keeping my rape kit "in house" as opposed to outsourcing which is their usual protacol. The only thing repeatedly told to me is that they have been following protacol throughout this entire investigation ...or lack there of. Why break protacol now? Why does a woman have to parade through town and speak to the media in order to have action taken on her rape case? I am told that by not outsourcing that my samples will be processed and returned faster....what about that woman that the SANE nurse was seeing prior to seeing me. How long is it going to take for her to get results? Rape victims should not have to put pressure on a department and demand results to be taken seriously.
At first I think that they are rushing my DNA to get me results....this is great!!!!! or is it? What if they are keeping my kit in house so its easier to cover up? What if they want to try and make a fool out of me for drawing attention to their very flawed department....a department of which to my understanding just had a recent overhaul in the sex crimes division due to inaccuracy in reporting rape cases. Would they try to cover this up? Can they do that?? Can I request the remaining portions of my kit go to a secondary lab for confirmation of findings?? I hope it doesnt come to that....but I will definately push for it if I feel I have been wronged.
7:01 AM- I am still waiting for that call from NOPD....apparently the word "Daily" in New Orleans doesn't mean every 24 hours. Thank goodness I knew better than to hold my breath.
***sorry to break this post up- my family has just shown up.....and the Saints game is about to start.....I will continue writing post game*** Go Saints!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Timestamps of whats happening in my mind
Sorry everyone, I lost my documentation of Wednesday...and right now I cant remember much about it so im skipping it.....its pretty much all of the same of what you will read from Thursday 9/30/2010 - I do know that i called my caseworker at the DA's office on 9/28 to find out answers...no such luck. I call Detective #3- no info.
I called my caseworker again on Wed 9/29- no info. I tell the caseworker I was told that they were the one to contact, that they were the person that was the liaison with the department- The caseworker tells me the only information they have access to is when my Item number comes back and the decision is made whether an arrest will be made or not- Fan Frickin Tastic- I call the Sergeant next and am told that DNA was sent for to the lab and it will take time- I ask how long....a week....a month....three months??? Isnt there some sort of statistic that shows an average time of a rape kit to return from pathology- No- Of course there isnt....why would any victim not want to know how long it will take before something can be done- Detective #3 called me, I almost shit my pants- He actually called me - then I laugh- who is actually working on my case? And why does the Detective not know that I already called the Sergeant? What happened to working together??? Why is this a foreign concept? Detective #3 told me that my samples were being processed in house instead of being outsourced so they will be returned more timely than had they been outsources- Finally Im getting somewhere.
Thursday 9/30/2010
I wake up about 8 AM and get ready for work....Feeling a little better, Im fighting off this cold pretty well. As im getting ready to walk out the door Adam Lambert's "If I had you" comes on....makes me laugh. My best friend and I sing Adam Lamberts "Whaddya want from me" to each other all the time ( o stop, im sure you and your friends do stupid things together....plus how can you not like that song....) Im thinking to myself today is going to be a good day. Got to work by 9....by 9:08 I have to check the newspapers website. People have been commenting....2 men are discussing back and forth. One says i should contact the Police Integrity Board and counsel ....now that I know that is something I can do...I will- he cleverly points out that falsely reporting will lead to prosecution of myself- I am not afraid of this. There is nothing false about this.
Another comment states that maybe this was a prank and my friend and this "man" were in on this together. I make it clear that there is not a doubt in my mind that this was NOT a prank. My friend did not set me up, my friend cannot control his friends actions.
10:01 AM- my best friend isnt in the office today....its too quiet. Too easy for my mind to wander.....i have now truly experienced deafening silence. I turn the Internet radio on to drown out my thoughts. I bumped my elbow, right where its bruised, on my desk.....like i needed a reminder.
10:13- Im worried but happy at the same time- Im worried , his face is fading from my mind. But im happy that finally every last detail isnt as defined. I still see that crooked smile, but even that is fading. My brain is adapting so I can survive. I pointed him out, face to face the morning of the attack...that identification should be enough...right?
10:40- I wonder who, if anyone, knows about this in Arizona. Are the men talking? are they keeping silent? Are they scared? Are they pissed at their friend? Do they think im lying? Should I contact a news station out there?
Do the men even know anything of whats going on in New Orleans? ( I had sent my friend a text on Monday that he and his friends should watch the news) ( I had also sent messages to friend and action friend on facebook asking them how it feels to be friends with a rapist) The men shouldn't be scared, I dont blame them, I am not out to get them.....just the one that did this to me. He should be scared.
11:30- Checked the news paper's website...people have stopped commenting- people have stopped caring. I am exhausted, my eyes are sore and puffy- What do I do next?
11:39- His crooked smile just flashed in my head again- I could vomit right here at my desk
Its pouring rain, I just want to go home and lay in bed- I wont- He will not have a negative effect on my life anymore- I will not let him- only positive things will come from this- I am lucky enough to love my job- I need to focus or I will lose it- I cant let him take that from me.
11:57 AM- A thought just occurred to me for the first time- would I be pushing so hard had my friend helped me? What if my friend had stopped this "man" before he threw me out the door? Would my friend have believed me then? Would he have helped me over a friend of his? If he did help, and did believe me, would the police have reacted differently? Would I have had to announce to an entire town that I had been raped? Would I still have reported it all to the police?.....this was rape- yes I would have- This could have been easier and I wish it was.
I can't change the past- he didnt help and I did what I had to....i will continue to do what I have to.
The perfect song came on the radio as I write this. Eminem- "Im not afraid"- this rings true "Im not afraid, to take a stand, everybody come take my hand, we'll walk this road together through the storm...."
12:43- Somehow I remembered I had bills to pay- Done- Dont know why Im documenting this- bills dont stop when your attention is focused elsewhere- thats life.
1:27- My Internet radio just crapped out- silence- why are you messing with me?
1:34- No call from Detective #3 like he promised yesterday....is anyone surprised? He doesnt care- How do you get a job as a Detective in sex crimes- If you dont give a shit you shouldnt have a job like that. WTF
1:37 Holy Downpour all day- with my luck my house will flood- maybe the flooding will just take me away
1:41- Emailing back and forth with co-workers. These women make me laugh, they have no idea the good they are doing for me, right now, just by being themselves. Ive actually been laughing for about 2 full minutes over some of the crazy stuff they have come up with- Cant forget the good things in life
2:35- I was doing well but caught a glimpse of my bruised left forearm- right back in it
2:47- Feeling Nauseous- cant shut my mind off, my thoughts are overwhelming- What if he gets away with this? Will I be as strong then as I am now? Will I break? I think I am starting to break right now.
Tears are forming at the thought of him not being punished- tears are forming at how sick to my stomach I feel right now- Hands are shakey- tears wont fall - Im telling myself I can handle anything, and I can- Trying to breathe- concentrate on work- My mind wont stop spinning! Just breathe, get back to work
2:58- I just vomited in a public bathroom- disgusting- makes me want to throw up again just at the thought- it was all water, I guess I forgot to eat today- I should be stronger than this. Adam Lambert on the radio again, cant help but smile...just a little.
3:31- Used to complain about all the problems that arise at work....now they are a welcome distraction..bring them on
4:08- I am picturing myself on the stand at trial- I will be outraged if this doesnt go to one- I imagine the defense trying to tear me apart on the stand, trying to make me break. I imagine having to sit in a room with my rapist, I imagine I will probably have to see that smug face of his again...I will probably throw up on his lawyers shoes...maybe not such a bad idea, some lawyers deserve a little puke on the shoes sometimes.
4:14- Still no call from NOPD- No call from the hospital on my bloodwork either- No new comments on either website, people have forgotten. I finally closed those 2 windows on my computer- they became an obsession- Im sure I will still check back, but no more constant surveillance- Its not healthy, I cant live that way. Writing is my new outlet, my new release, my way to cope.
Eminem is great with words- Does he write his own music? "...you can barely breathe when your with them, you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em..." - Thats how I felt about my friend. We met and everything just seemed to connect between us- I thought it could be something real
4:43- starting to have some vaginal itching...im hoping its psychological....maybe a yeast infection from the antibiotics i was given
5:47- Still no call from the NOPD or Hospital
6:15- Hospital calls while I am driving in the pouring rain- i pull over , shut the engine off and listen-
Good news, blood work came back ok- a medicine i was taking for a cold showed up. One test is still pending- on a sleeping pill- I inform the SANE nurse that I do take sleeping pills on occasion, but I dont keep them in my purse so I couldnt have taken any
Relief- I refused to believe my friend had drugged me..... I still honstley think he really like me
6:23- back on the road, my right leg starts shaking on the gas pedal...i cant get it to stop.
8:27- For once, being a complete slob has paid off- I got home and cleaned the house and have less and less frantic thoughts. I am able to unwind a bit- ready for bed
Cant resist checking the newspaper website.- some comment says to give me th $300 i want and sent me on my way. I joke back that I actually wanted 302.48 but good try- If i were in this for money, I would have already brought a civil suit
end of Thursday 9/30/2010
I called my caseworker again on Wed 9/29- no info. I tell the caseworker I was told that they were the one to contact, that they were the person that was the liaison with the department- The caseworker tells me the only information they have access to is when my Item number comes back and the decision is made whether an arrest will be made or not- Fan Frickin Tastic- I call the Sergeant next and am told that DNA was sent for to the lab and it will take time- I ask how long....a week....a month....three months??? Isnt there some sort of statistic that shows an average time of a rape kit to return from pathology- No- Of course there isnt....why would any victim not want to know how long it will take before something can be done- Detective #3 called me, I almost shit my pants- He actually called me - then I laugh- who is actually working on my case? And why does the Detective not know that I already called the Sergeant? What happened to working together??? Why is this a foreign concept? Detective #3 told me that my samples were being processed in house instead of being outsourced so they will be returned more timely than had they been outsources- Finally Im getting somewhere.
Thursday 9/30/2010
I wake up about 8 AM and get ready for work....Feeling a little better, Im fighting off this cold pretty well. As im getting ready to walk out the door Adam Lambert's "If I had you" comes on....makes me laugh. My best friend and I sing Adam Lamberts "Whaddya want from me" to each other all the time ( o stop, im sure you and your friends do stupid things together....plus how can you not like that song....) Im thinking to myself today is going to be a good day. Got to work by 9....by 9:08 I have to check the newspapers website. People have been commenting....2 men are discussing back and forth. One says i should contact the Police Integrity Board and counsel ....now that I know that is something I can do...I will- he cleverly points out that falsely reporting will lead to prosecution of myself- I am not afraid of this. There is nothing false about this.
Another comment states that maybe this was a prank and my friend and this "man" were in on this together. I make it clear that there is not a doubt in my mind that this was NOT a prank. My friend did not set me up, my friend cannot control his friends actions.
10:01 AM- my best friend isnt in the office today....its too quiet. Too easy for my mind to wander.....i have now truly experienced deafening silence. I turn the Internet radio on to drown out my thoughts. I bumped my elbow, right where its bruised, on my desk.....like i needed a reminder.
10:13- Im worried but happy at the same time- Im worried , his face is fading from my mind. But im happy that finally every last detail isnt as defined. I still see that crooked smile, but even that is fading. My brain is adapting so I can survive. I pointed him out, face to face the morning of the attack...that identification should be enough...right?
10:40- I wonder who, if anyone, knows about this in Arizona. Are the men talking? are they keeping silent? Are they scared? Are they pissed at their friend? Do they think im lying? Should I contact a news station out there?
Do the men even know anything of whats going on in New Orleans? ( I had sent my friend a text on Monday that he and his friends should watch the news) ( I had also sent messages to friend and action friend on facebook asking them how it feels to be friends with a rapist) The men shouldn't be scared, I dont blame them, I am not out to get them.....just the one that did this to me. He should be scared.
11:30- Checked the news paper's website...people have stopped commenting- people have stopped caring. I am exhausted, my eyes are sore and puffy- What do I do next?
11:39- His crooked smile just flashed in my head again- I could vomit right here at my desk
Its pouring rain, I just want to go home and lay in bed- I wont- He will not have a negative effect on my life anymore- I will not let him- only positive things will come from this- I am lucky enough to love my job- I need to focus or I will lose it- I cant let him take that from me.
11:57 AM- A thought just occurred to me for the first time- would I be pushing so hard had my friend helped me? What if my friend had stopped this "man" before he threw me out the door? Would my friend have believed me then? Would he have helped me over a friend of his? If he did help, and did believe me, would the police have reacted differently? Would I have had to announce to an entire town that I had been raped? Would I still have reported it all to the police?.....this was rape- yes I would have- This could have been easier and I wish it was.
I can't change the past- he didnt help and I did what I had to....i will continue to do what I have to.
The perfect song came on the radio as I write this. Eminem- "Im not afraid"- this rings true "Im not afraid, to take a stand, everybody come take my hand, we'll walk this road together through the storm...."
12:43- Somehow I remembered I had bills to pay- Done- Dont know why Im documenting this- bills dont stop when your attention is focused elsewhere- thats life.
1:27- My Internet radio just crapped out- silence- why are you messing with me?
1:34- No call from Detective #3 like he promised yesterday....is anyone surprised? He doesnt care- How do you get a job as a Detective in sex crimes- If you dont give a shit you shouldnt have a job like that. WTF
1:37 Holy Downpour all day- with my luck my house will flood- maybe the flooding will just take me away
1:41- Emailing back and forth with co-workers. These women make me laugh, they have no idea the good they are doing for me, right now, just by being themselves. Ive actually been laughing for about 2 full minutes over some of the crazy stuff they have come up with- Cant forget the good things in life
2:35- I was doing well but caught a glimpse of my bruised left forearm- right back in it
2:47- Feeling Nauseous- cant shut my mind off, my thoughts are overwhelming- What if he gets away with this? Will I be as strong then as I am now? Will I break? I think I am starting to break right now.
Tears are forming at the thought of him not being punished- tears are forming at how sick to my stomach I feel right now- Hands are shakey- tears wont fall - Im telling myself I can handle anything, and I can- Trying to breathe- concentrate on work- My mind wont stop spinning! Just breathe, get back to work
2:58- I just vomited in a public bathroom- disgusting- makes me want to throw up again just at the thought- it was all water, I guess I forgot to eat today- I should be stronger than this. Adam Lambert on the radio again, cant help but smile...just a little.
3:31- Used to complain about all the problems that arise at work....now they are a welcome distraction..bring them on
4:08- I am picturing myself on the stand at trial- I will be outraged if this doesnt go to one- I imagine the defense trying to tear me apart on the stand, trying to make me break. I imagine having to sit in a room with my rapist, I imagine I will probably have to see that smug face of his again...I will probably throw up on his lawyers shoes...maybe not such a bad idea, some lawyers deserve a little puke on the shoes sometimes.
4:14- Still no call from NOPD- No call from the hospital on my bloodwork either- No new comments on either website, people have forgotten. I finally closed those 2 windows on my computer- they became an obsession- Im sure I will still check back, but no more constant surveillance- Its not healthy, I cant live that way. Writing is my new outlet, my new release, my way to cope.
Eminem is great with words- Does he write his own music? "...you can barely breathe when your with them, you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em..." - Thats how I felt about my friend. We met and everything just seemed to connect between us- I thought it could be something real
4:43- starting to have some vaginal itching...im hoping its psychological....maybe a yeast infection from the antibiotics i was given
5:47- Still no call from the NOPD or Hospital
6:15- Hospital calls while I am driving in the pouring rain- i pull over , shut the engine off and listen-
Good news, blood work came back ok- a medicine i was taking for a cold showed up. One test is still pending- on a sleeping pill- I inform the SANE nurse that I do take sleeping pills on occasion, but I dont keep them in my purse so I couldnt have taken any
Relief- I refused to believe my friend had drugged me..... I still honstley think he really like me
6:23- back on the road, my right leg starts shaking on the gas pedal...i cant get it to stop.
8:27- For once, being a complete slob has paid off- I got home and cleaned the house and have less and less frantic thoughts. I am able to unwind a bit- ready for bed
Cant resist checking the newspaper website.- some comment says to give me th $300 i want and sent me on my way. I joke back that I actually wanted 302.48 but good try- If i were in this for money, I would have already brought a civil suit
end of Thursday 9/30/2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Tuesday- First day back to work
Got home around midnight Monday- straight to be with racing thoughts. Alarm set for 6 so I can get to work......I couldnt get out of bed. I think I got into work around 10. My office is the size of a jail cell, not to mention its me and one other woman in there. Luckily shes my best friend so we make it work. I am not planning on telling her, not yet.
I walk in and she is so excited to see me. First question of course, with a big smile, how was your trip. I tell her it was amazing and I had a great time. Then, to my surprise I come right in and tell her I am in the fight of my life, her jaw drops in confusion. I told her I was in a fight with the NOPD, I had been raped and treated like a piece of shit. Then I told her how I responded- I told her that in a time where I should have felt powerless in life, I wound up not only fighting my attacker (which i've never thrown a punch in my life) , but I somehow found it in me to fight and entire police department and stand up for victims rights. Her face is blank, she asks me if im ok. Without a tremble in my voice I tell him im doing the best I can, Im not ready to be not ok yet. She wants an explanation...last she knew, I had text her I wasnt coming home because I met an amazing man.....quite the 180.
Im sick of repeating my story, I pull up the news story and she reads it. Covering her mouth in disbelief and tells me she knew I was a strong woman but holy shit. I can tell she's proud but she's also scared.
While Im trying to work, my mind is racing. I can't sit here in NY and not do anything. I turned to twitter. I posted what happened to me. A few minutes later my phone rings, its a number I dont know but I answer it because I am hoping it is someone from the police department. Of course it wasn't....following through doesn't seem a high priority for the department. However..... its was a newspaper from New Orleans. The man who stopped me to make sure I was ok, that I gave my number in case I needed some help had sent the newspaper an email about me and gave them my contact information. The columnist told me that after they received his email, they saw a post on twitter from one of the hash-tags they constantly monitor and they knew it was me. I am forever grateful to this man for doing what he could to help. I gave the columnist my story over the phone, with my best friend sitting right next to me....Im not going to hide anything from her, I shouldnt be ashamed and I know she would never think less of me.
I feel like crap. Im coming down with a cold, my immune system is already compromised from Crohn's Disease- the stress is getting to me. My muscles are getting more and more sore as the day goes on, my shoulders are killing me.....Definitely a sign I need to get my ass back to a gym, one fight should not cause this much muscle discomfort.
I keep checking the new station's website. People are commenting on my story. Everyone is entitled to their opinion- most of the comments are saying I was stupid and put myself in a compromising situation.....thank you for pointing out the obvious. Making bad decisions does not make it ok for another person to violate you....if that were true, everyone in America would have repeatedly been raped by now.......next time you make a mistake, be careful because according to some people's logic you deserve to be raped for it.
Leave work at 7, I am completely exhausted and go to bed as soon as I get home....I cant help but check the website again...same old comments.
I apologize in advance for the next postings I make......the postings that follow are when I decided to document in real time, everything I was thinking (beginning Wed. Sept 29 2010). My mind has been spinning and all over the place. I have read through what I have written and my thoughts are back and forth. I wrote whatever popped into my head, when it popped into my head
If anyone reading has any questions, please feel free to comment and ask me. If there is something you dont understand about my story or something you want to know more about, please just ask. My life is an open book now and I will answer honestly- Please do not ask for identities as I will not reveal them.
I walk in and she is so excited to see me. First question of course, with a big smile, how was your trip. I tell her it was amazing and I had a great time. Then, to my surprise I come right in and tell her I am in the fight of my life, her jaw drops in confusion. I told her I was in a fight with the NOPD, I had been raped and treated like a piece of shit. Then I told her how I responded- I told her that in a time where I should have felt powerless in life, I wound up not only fighting my attacker (which i've never thrown a punch in my life) , but I somehow found it in me to fight and entire police department and stand up for victims rights. Her face is blank, she asks me if im ok. Without a tremble in my voice I tell him im doing the best I can, Im not ready to be not ok yet. She wants an explanation...last she knew, I had text her I wasnt coming home because I met an amazing man.....quite the 180.
Im sick of repeating my story, I pull up the news story and she reads it. Covering her mouth in disbelief and tells me she knew I was a strong woman but holy shit. I can tell she's proud but she's also scared.
While Im trying to work, my mind is racing. I can't sit here in NY and not do anything. I turned to twitter. I posted what happened to me. A few minutes later my phone rings, its a number I dont know but I answer it because I am hoping it is someone from the police department. Of course it wasn't....following through doesn't seem a high priority for the department. However..... its was a newspaper from New Orleans. The man who stopped me to make sure I was ok, that I gave my number in case I needed some help had sent the newspaper an email about me and gave them my contact information. The columnist told me that after they received his email, they saw a post on twitter from one of the hash-tags they constantly monitor and they knew it was me. I am forever grateful to this man for doing what he could to help. I gave the columnist my story over the phone, with my best friend sitting right next to me....Im not going to hide anything from her, I shouldnt be ashamed and I know she would never think less of me.
I feel like crap. Im coming down with a cold, my immune system is already compromised from Crohn's Disease- the stress is getting to me. My muscles are getting more and more sore as the day goes on, my shoulders are killing me.....Definitely a sign I need to get my ass back to a gym, one fight should not cause this much muscle discomfort.
I keep checking the new station's website. People are commenting on my story. Everyone is entitled to their opinion- most of the comments are saying I was stupid and put myself in a compromising situation.....thank you for pointing out the obvious. Making bad decisions does not make it ok for another person to violate you....if that were true, everyone in America would have repeatedly been raped by now.......next time you make a mistake, be careful because according to some people's logic you deserve to be raped for it.
Leave work at 7, I am completely exhausted and go to bed as soon as I get home....I cant help but check the website again...same old comments.
I apologize in advance for the next postings I make......the postings that follow are when I decided to document in real time, everything I was thinking (beginning Wed. Sept 29 2010). My mind has been spinning and all over the place. I have read through what I have written and my thoughts are back and forth. I wrote whatever popped into my head, when it popped into my head
If anyone reading has any questions, please feel free to comment and ask me. If there is something you dont understand about my story or something you want to know more about, please just ask. My life is an open book now and I will answer honestly- Please do not ask for identities as I will not reveal them.
LIVE UPDATE
its 4:38 Saturday Oct 2 2010- I broke, just for a minute. Not because of what I've been through, not because I am feeling sorry for myself. I broke because I heard a song that hit me right at home.....how stupid...a song brings out my feelings. I have never heard this song before, but its exactly how im feeling
Natasha Bedingfield- "Strip Me"
"...and if you strip me, strip it all away
if you strip me, What would you find
If you strip me, Strip it all away - I'll be alright"
"Take what you want, Steal my pride
Build me up or Cut me down to size
Shut me out, but I'll just scream
Im only once voice in a million
But you ain't takin that from me"
New updates on my story soon....
Natasha Bedingfield- "Strip Me"
"...and if you strip me, strip it all away
if you strip me, What would you find
If you strip me, Strip it all away - I'll be alright"
"Take what you want, Steal my pride
Build me up or Cut me down to size
Shut me out, but I'll just scream
Im only once voice in a million
But you ain't takin that from me"
New updates on my story soon....
Monday Part 2
I meet the reporter and tell my story. While I am speaking with the reporter a woman pulls up in her car, shows me pictures of her husband, in the hospital, stating the police put him there....I don't know her story but I'm sure shes just looking for some answers, just like the rest. The reporter asks if I mind taping a segment. As I said before, Im the girl in class that would have done anything to avoid standing up and giving a speech or presentation. I have no fear, I tell the reporter to start rolling. The entire interview was live and unrehearsed. The only interview I had ever done were for jobs before....and let me tell you, I was nervous as hell for those with heart racing and sweaty palms....and those answers were rehearsed. Not this time....live fire, ask away.
Standing there on the street in front of the police station the reporter tells me to pretend the camera isnt there, just look at the reporter. I wait for the reporter to ask questions as I am not sure where to start. The reporter asks question after question and I never had to hesitate with an answer, I knew I was wronged, I knew what I was fighting for, I knew I wasnt backing down. I am not sure where you can find the story on the website anymore, but the interview was with channel 4 news New Orleans....wwltv.com
We wrap things up and I thank the reporter for taking an interest and helping me be heard. The camera man stays a few more minutes for footage and they are off to the next story. I stay on the curb, with my sign. A woman approaches me, encourages me that standing up is the right thing to do. She is a comfort more than she knows, she wasnt embarrassed to be standing by the road next to a woman of a different race announcing she had been raped. She stood there with me, in conversation for quite a while, she was waiting for her husband to come pick her up. While we are standing there I get a phone call, Its almost noon, checkout time at the hotel. My mom is pissed, she wants to know whats been going on and why I have been leaving her alone for almost the entire second half of the trip. I tell her I am on my way back to the hotel now and will explain everything. I have to. I ask the woman who so kindly stood by my side where the best place to get a cab was.... she tells me her husband will drive me... I ask if where I was staying was out of the way from where she was going, she said no....im still not sure if that was true. But I am forever grateful to this woman, for standing by me, for taking a perfect stranger across town, for believing me.
The woman's husband comes, she tells him to take me where I need to go, he is more than kind and never complained just told me to get in. I climb in the back seat and thank him right away. Its a little strange to be in the back seat, getting a ride back having both people in the front seat know what I have just been through and done. They have a conversation between themselves and I sit silently, reflecting on the past few hours, shocked at myself at what I had done. As we are pulling up to the hotel I ask the couple if they have children, they say yes. I hand them the package of markers I had bought. I didnt need them, i put the one black marker to use for my sign. I thank them again and head inside. Time to face my mother.
I had no clue how to tell her so I just came right out and said it. I was attacked. I took care of it. I handled things the way I handled things. I couldnt tell her because I needed to do what I had to do, without seeing her face of sympathy, or her face of anger. I explained how every time I went off on my own I was either dealing with the hospital or the police. I told her I went to the news. She didnt know what to say other than, "why didnt you come to me." She didnt understand why I couldnt come to her, I come to her with everything. This was different. This was something I had no idea how to handle, no idea what to do, no idea what I was going to do. I was improvising. I was doing whatever popped into my head. No time to think . There would be time to think when Im on my way back to NY, while im home in NY unable to control anything.
We went to lunch, an uncomfortable lunch. She has questions. I give one word answers and change the subject. I cant give her answers because I hadn't been given any. Uncomfortable random conversations for the entire lunch. Any topic that came to mind came up...anything but the past few days...if there was an awkward silence a random strange topic conversation would come about...what else could I do.
The cab ride to the airport was completely silent. I can only imagine what was running through the cab drivers mind. Quickly checked in and off to the terminal. We are about 2 hours early for our flight. Nothing but time on my hands.
I plug my blackberry in and start my research.....not of laws, not of victims rights. I research the men. The Thursday night we had met I had seen most of their Licenses...I remembered 2 of their full names. One was my friend, the other was one that I remembered because his last name is an action hero of the movies (i will now refer to him as "action friend" ....because I can). I also remember that action friend worked in a certain field which I will not disclose. Needless to say, thank you google I now know exactly where he works...i know the exact address of his company. He also has a facebook, unaccessable to public posting but has one none the less. I also find my friend on the internet. I remembered certain things of what he told me. I was able to find the exact location of where he also works. His picture online looks nothing like he looks now with the Chuck Norris beard. He also has a protected facebook. From finding action friend and friend online, I was able to find the last name of a third man ( I had known his first name, but never got his last....until now). Oh how the internet has changed things. 3rd man also has a facebook....im not sure if its protected, him and I hadnt had as much to do with eachother as action friend and friend.
Time to board...I found 3 of these men in less than 2 hours.... I will get answers... somehow. (this is in no way a threat of violence toward these men.....im just showing how you can find just about anyone if you search long enough, deep enough)
We are getting closer to real time...
Standing there on the street in front of the police station the reporter tells me to pretend the camera isnt there, just look at the reporter. I wait for the reporter to ask questions as I am not sure where to start. The reporter asks question after question and I never had to hesitate with an answer, I knew I was wronged, I knew what I was fighting for, I knew I wasnt backing down. I am not sure where you can find the story on the website anymore, but the interview was with channel 4 news New Orleans....wwltv.com
We wrap things up and I thank the reporter for taking an interest and helping me be heard. The camera man stays a few more minutes for footage and they are off to the next story. I stay on the curb, with my sign. A woman approaches me, encourages me that standing up is the right thing to do. She is a comfort more than she knows, she wasnt embarrassed to be standing by the road next to a woman of a different race announcing she had been raped. She stood there with me, in conversation for quite a while, she was waiting for her husband to come pick her up. While we are standing there I get a phone call, Its almost noon, checkout time at the hotel. My mom is pissed, she wants to know whats been going on and why I have been leaving her alone for almost the entire second half of the trip. I tell her I am on my way back to the hotel now and will explain everything. I have to. I ask the woman who so kindly stood by my side where the best place to get a cab was.... she tells me her husband will drive me... I ask if where I was staying was out of the way from where she was going, she said no....im still not sure if that was true. But I am forever grateful to this woman, for standing by me, for taking a perfect stranger across town, for believing me.
The woman's husband comes, she tells him to take me where I need to go, he is more than kind and never complained just told me to get in. I climb in the back seat and thank him right away. Its a little strange to be in the back seat, getting a ride back having both people in the front seat know what I have just been through and done. They have a conversation between themselves and I sit silently, reflecting on the past few hours, shocked at myself at what I had done. As we are pulling up to the hotel I ask the couple if they have children, they say yes. I hand them the package of markers I had bought. I didnt need them, i put the one black marker to use for my sign. I thank them again and head inside. Time to face my mother.
I had no clue how to tell her so I just came right out and said it. I was attacked. I took care of it. I handled things the way I handled things. I couldnt tell her because I needed to do what I had to do, without seeing her face of sympathy, or her face of anger. I explained how every time I went off on my own I was either dealing with the hospital or the police. I told her I went to the news. She didnt know what to say other than, "why didnt you come to me." She didnt understand why I couldnt come to her, I come to her with everything. This was different. This was something I had no idea how to handle, no idea what to do, no idea what I was going to do. I was improvising. I was doing whatever popped into my head. No time to think . There would be time to think when Im on my way back to NY, while im home in NY unable to control anything.
We went to lunch, an uncomfortable lunch. She has questions. I give one word answers and change the subject. I cant give her answers because I hadn't been given any. Uncomfortable random conversations for the entire lunch. Any topic that came to mind came up...anything but the past few days...if there was an awkward silence a random strange topic conversation would come about...what else could I do.
The cab ride to the airport was completely silent. I can only imagine what was running through the cab drivers mind. Quickly checked in and off to the terminal. We are about 2 hours early for our flight. Nothing but time on my hands.
I plug my blackberry in and start my research.....not of laws, not of victims rights. I research the men. The Thursday night we had met I had seen most of their Licenses...I remembered 2 of their full names. One was my friend, the other was one that I remembered because his last name is an action hero of the movies (i will now refer to him as "action friend" ....because I can). I also remember that action friend worked in a certain field which I will not disclose. Needless to say, thank you google I now know exactly where he works...i know the exact address of his company. He also has a facebook, unaccessable to public posting but has one none the less. I also find my friend on the internet. I remembered certain things of what he told me. I was able to find the exact location of where he also works. His picture online looks nothing like he looks now with the Chuck Norris beard. He also has a protected facebook. From finding action friend and friend online, I was able to find the last name of a third man ( I had known his first name, but never got his last....until now). Oh how the internet has changed things. 3rd man also has a facebook....im not sure if its protected, him and I hadnt had as much to do with eachother as action friend and friend.
Time to board...I found 3 of these men in less than 2 hours.... I will get answers... somehow. (this is in no way a threat of violence toward these men.....im just showing how you can find just about anyone if you search long enough, deep enough)
We are getting closer to real time...
LIVE interruption of my back story
Its 4AM Saturday October 2nd....why do I always wake up at 4AM? Today I dont care! Let me share a story with you I was told last night. A friend of my family's son got arrested for having pot on him, before the police made it to him, he tried to destroy/hide the evidence. Not only was he charged with possession....he was charged with TAMPERING WITH EVIDENCE. This "man" changed around a crime scene by moving the condom into a cup of alcohol.......I can rest a little easier knowing at least the SOB will get hit with something!
Back to bed...update of speaking with reporter tomorrow. Goodnight! i know mine will me
Back to bed...update of speaking with reporter tomorrow. Goodnight! i know mine will me
Friday, October 1, 2010
Monday- Time To Speak Out
Its Monday morning. I woke up at 9 and mom was gone. I assumed she had gone to get breakfast. I checked my phone, no messages, no "first thing in the morning" call from Detective #3. I am furious, I am overwhelmed, I have no idea what came over me. I shower, as im getting dressed mom walked in with beignets. She gets in the shower. I can't even remember what I told her, but I told her I was going out, she shouts to me to wait 10 minutes she will come with, I tell her I can't wait and take off.
First stop, store...I need poster board and markers. Im filling the script for Ativan that I was given at the hospital the second time (a Dr. came in just to check in, at least he spoke with me unlike Ms. Dr. from my exam- I show him my shaking hands, he leaves and is back within seconds with a pill and a prescription). While Im waiting, I ask the pharmacist to use the counter space. No problem. I dont care who sees what Im writing- One sign says follow me to my rapists house- my route was to walk back to that house, I had no idea if he would be there, I had no idea he wasnt arrested. My other sign announces that NOPD won't help rape victims. I get my script and walk outside. At first I hide the signs, I'm scared. I had no idea I had it in me to do something like this. I was the girl who made sure to schedule every class that didnt have an oral presentation as a requirement. I check my phone, its after 10....no phone call first thing in the morning.
Fuck it- I walked down Canal st. with a sign saying follow me to my rapists house....I notice the looks from people at first, then I dont care. All the way down Canal St. Right onto N. Rampart- past the police station. I stop in front of the house. There is a woman there, waiting on a bus. I point out she may not want to stand where she is I tell her my rapist could be inside. I look in the window, house is clean...too clean, they have all left. This "man" was allowed to walk around like nothing happened....i could have decided to go out one night and bumped into him on the corner....The woman tells me the new station is right across the street a few buildings down, I thank her and head in that direction.
A man pulls up in his car. Wants to make sure im ok and that I know what im doing. I do. He's very encouraging, very caring. I give him my number so he can send me information. Very inspiring human being. I walk into the news station and speak with the receptionist. She tells me I can't speak with anyone they are all in a meeting. I leave and head back out on the street now holding the sign that the NOPD wont help rape victims. 2 employees are outside, one stops me encourages me to come back inside with her. She takes me to a break area and calls upstairs to interrupt the meeting. Timing. She called right as the reporter I had contacted the night before was bringing up my story for what I can only assume to be an "is it worth it" sort of meeting where they decide which stories to cover. The staff tells her they will call me right after the meeting, they are interested.
Back down the street with my sign, I decide to use the police station as an area where people would take interest. I can see everyone in their cars turning, trying to read my sign in its entirety. I finally stand right next to a cop car, sign in hand....2 cops come out, one a Sergeant the other im not sure. I apologize to them for using their car, their Sergeant asks whats going on. I retell my story- im being ignored- he asks if I've been to Chief Headquarters or something like that, I tell him I would love to go there, Ive been calling everywhere trying to find out some piece of information, where to go...who to talk to. I was even once connected to the homicide division....i left a message asking for a return phone call so I could find the right place.....no call...must have also been a Detective.
The Sergeant and his partner drive me over to the location of the sex crimes division, walk me inside and take me right to the office where the man, Detective #3, who still had yet to return my call sits around. Thank you to those men.
I first speak with another Sergeant. Very kind, very polite. Tries to be a constant reassurance that I will find answers. I then get to speak with Detective #3. Let me tell you, he has all of the department lines down flat. We are doing what we can, we are investigating....blah blah- Please answer my question directly....why was I not informed no arrest was made? Why was I not informed of the exact process of what has to happen? Why is it so difficult for you to answer simple questions?!?!?!?!
I want a name. I want to know who did this to me. Doesn't a victim have the right to know who their attacker is? Whats the difference if I find out now, or at trial, or after the fact when the department tells me theres not enough evidence just so they dont have to put forth any effort into a trial.
I inform Detective #3 I have every intention of meeting with the press. He tells me that it wont help. I don't care, this is bullshit. Stop reciting lines from a department handbook. I can't look at this man any more I excuse myself and show myself out.. The Sergeant catches up and escorts me out of the building. I walk out to the street right in front of the building and stand there with my sign. About 5 minutes later the Sergeant calls me, asks if Im still around....you know exactly where I am Sergeant. He asks me to come back and he will take me to the building next door to meet a "victim counselor" that is to act as a liaison between the DA's office and the NOPD. Im told if I have any questions about my case to contact her, she can get the answers....... Why didnt you tell me this when I was upstairs??? Did it slip your mind?? Its no wonder rapes dont get reported everything takes forever and people leave out the necessary information the victim needs. I should not have to pressure people into giving me this information.
The Sergeant and I are waiting in the lobby for the victim counselor....its taking a while....the reporter calls, asks where I am...the reporter wants to meet. Finally! Someone is listening, someone is responding.....its a miracle! I tell her where I am and that I need to meet with someone, but I will be right back out front holding my sign when I was finished. The reporter will meet me there. The Sergeant overhears the entire conversation....good. You know im serious. Finally, I can breathe.
Finally meet with the counselor, Sergeant by my side. The counselor tells me what their job is and that I can call for information any time. Asks what I want to know. I say I want a name. Of course I dont get one, but I am asked why I want one.....how about closure, how about a victims right to know?? Some other type of counselor comes in and also has no answers. Im getting annoyed. I honestly dont remember a word that counselor said, got up, excused myself and walked out to the front door. The victim counselor follows me, I apologize for my actions and I walk out the door....back to hold my sign....back to do what seems like the only thing I can do.
After a few minutes of standing the reporter is here. I thought I would be nervous, im not. Im pissed. The lack of answers, the lack of everything has taken me to a level of courage I had no idea was in me. I am not shaking. I am not feeling sick to my stomach. I am fighting, standing my ground, forcing results.
Up next will be the second half of my day, including meeting the reporter and how things got rolling- I am exausted.
Thanks for reading
First stop, store...I need poster board and markers. Im filling the script for Ativan that I was given at the hospital the second time (a Dr. came in just to check in, at least he spoke with me unlike Ms. Dr. from my exam- I show him my shaking hands, he leaves and is back within seconds with a pill and a prescription). While Im waiting, I ask the pharmacist to use the counter space. No problem. I dont care who sees what Im writing- One sign says follow me to my rapists house- my route was to walk back to that house, I had no idea if he would be there, I had no idea he wasnt arrested. My other sign announces that NOPD won't help rape victims. I get my script and walk outside. At first I hide the signs, I'm scared. I had no idea I had it in me to do something like this. I was the girl who made sure to schedule every class that didnt have an oral presentation as a requirement. I check my phone, its after 10....no phone call first thing in the morning.
Fuck it- I walked down Canal st. with a sign saying follow me to my rapists house....I notice the looks from people at first, then I dont care. All the way down Canal St. Right onto N. Rampart- past the police station. I stop in front of the house. There is a woman there, waiting on a bus. I point out she may not want to stand where she is I tell her my rapist could be inside. I look in the window, house is clean...too clean, they have all left. This "man" was allowed to walk around like nothing happened....i could have decided to go out one night and bumped into him on the corner....The woman tells me the new station is right across the street a few buildings down, I thank her and head in that direction.
A man pulls up in his car. Wants to make sure im ok and that I know what im doing. I do. He's very encouraging, very caring. I give him my number so he can send me information. Very inspiring human being. I walk into the news station and speak with the receptionist. She tells me I can't speak with anyone they are all in a meeting. I leave and head back out on the street now holding the sign that the NOPD wont help rape victims. 2 employees are outside, one stops me encourages me to come back inside with her. She takes me to a break area and calls upstairs to interrupt the meeting. Timing. She called right as the reporter I had contacted the night before was bringing up my story for what I can only assume to be an "is it worth it" sort of meeting where they decide which stories to cover. The staff tells her they will call me right after the meeting, they are interested.
Back down the street with my sign, I decide to use the police station as an area where people would take interest. I can see everyone in their cars turning, trying to read my sign in its entirety. I finally stand right next to a cop car, sign in hand....2 cops come out, one a Sergeant the other im not sure. I apologize to them for using their car, their Sergeant asks whats going on. I retell my story- im being ignored- he asks if I've been to Chief Headquarters or something like that, I tell him I would love to go there, Ive been calling everywhere trying to find out some piece of information, where to go...who to talk to. I was even once connected to the homicide division....i left a message asking for a return phone call so I could find the right place.....no call...must have also been a Detective.
The Sergeant and his partner drive me over to the location of the sex crimes division, walk me inside and take me right to the office where the man, Detective #3, who still had yet to return my call sits around. Thank you to those men.
I first speak with another Sergeant. Very kind, very polite. Tries to be a constant reassurance that I will find answers. I then get to speak with Detective #3. Let me tell you, he has all of the department lines down flat. We are doing what we can, we are investigating....blah blah- Please answer my question directly....why was I not informed no arrest was made? Why was I not informed of the exact process of what has to happen? Why is it so difficult for you to answer simple questions?!?!?!?!
I want a name. I want to know who did this to me. Doesn't a victim have the right to know who their attacker is? Whats the difference if I find out now, or at trial, or after the fact when the department tells me theres not enough evidence just so they dont have to put forth any effort into a trial.
I inform Detective #3 I have every intention of meeting with the press. He tells me that it wont help. I don't care, this is bullshit. Stop reciting lines from a department handbook. I can't look at this man any more I excuse myself and show myself out.. The Sergeant catches up and escorts me out of the building. I walk out to the street right in front of the building and stand there with my sign. About 5 minutes later the Sergeant calls me, asks if Im still around....you know exactly where I am Sergeant. He asks me to come back and he will take me to the building next door to meet a "victim counselor" that is to act as a liaison between the DA's office and the NOPD. Im told if I have any questions about my case to contact her, she can get the answers....... Why didnt you tell me this when I was upstairs??? Did it slip your mind?? Its no wonder rapes dont get reported everything takes forever and people leave out the necessary information the victim needs. I should not have to pressure people into giving me this information.
The Sergeant and I are waiting in the lobby for the victim counselor....its taking a while....the reporter calls, asks where I am...the reporter wants to meet. Finally! Someone is listening, someone is responding.....its a miracle! I tell her where I am and that I need to meet with someone, but I will be right back out front holding my sign when I was finished. The reporter will meet me there. The Sergeant overhears the entire conversation....good. You know im serious. Finally, I can breathe.
Finally meet with the counselor, Sergeant by my side. The counselor tells me what their job is and that I can call for information any time. Asks what I want to know. I say I want a name. Of course I dont get one, but I am asked why I want one.....how about closure, how about a victims right to know?? Some other type of counselor comes in and also has no answers. Im getting annoyed. I honestly dont remember a word that counselor said, got up, excused myself and walked out to the front door. The victim counselor follows me, I apologize for my actions and I walk out the door....back to hold my sign....back to do what seems like the only thing I can do.
After a few minutes of standing the reporter is here. I thought I would be nervous, im not. Im pissed. The lack of answers, the lack of everything has taken me to a level of courage I had no idea was in me. I am not shaking. I am not feeling sick to my stomach. I am fighting, standing my ground, forcing results.
Up next will be the second half of my day, including meeting the reporter and how things got rolling- I am exausted.
Thanks for reading
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