Sorry everyone, I lost my documentation of Wednesday...and right now I cant remember much about it so im skipping it.....its pretty much all of the same of what you will read from Thursday 9/30/2010 - I do know that i called my caseworker at the DA's office on 9/28 to find out answers...no such luck. I call Detective #3- no info.
I called my caseworker again on Wed 9/29- no info. I tell the caseworker I was told that they were the one to contact, that they were the person that was the liaison with the department- The caseworker tells me the only information they have access to is when my Item number comes back and the decision is made whether an arrest will be made or not- Fan Frickin Tastic- I call the Sergeant next and am told that DNA was sent for to the lab and it will take time- I ask how long....a week....a month....three months??? Isnt there some sort of statistic that shows an average time of a rape kit to return from pathology- No- Of course there isnt....why would any victim not want to know how long it will take before something can be done- Detective #3 called me, I almost shit my pants- He actually called me - then I laugh- who is actually working on my case? And why does the Detective not know that I already called the Sergeant? What happened to working together??? Why is this a foreign concept? Detective #3 told me that my samples were being processed in house instead of being outsourced so they will be returned more timely than had they been outsources- Finally Im getting somewhere.
Thursday 9/30/2010
I wake up about 8 AM and get ready for work....Feeling a little better, Im fighting off this cold pretty well. As im getting ready to walk out the door Adam Lambert's "If I had you" comes on....makes me laugh. My best friend and I sing Adam Lamberts "Whaddya want from me" to each other all the time ( o stop, im sure you and your friends do stupid things together....plus how can you not like that song....) Im thinking to myself today is going to be a good day. Got to work by 9....by 9:08 I have to check the newspapers website. People have been commenting....2 men are discussing back and forth. One says i should contact the Police Integrity Board and counsel ....now that I know that is something I can do...I will- he cleverly points out that falsely reporting will lead to prosecution of myself- I am not afraid of this. There is nothing false about this.
Another comment states that maybe this was a prank and my friend and this "man" were in on this together. I make it clear that there is not a doubt in my mind that this was NOT a prank. My friend did not set me up, my friend cannot control his friends actions.
10:01 AM- my best friend isnt in the office today....its too quiet. Too easy for my mind to wander.....i have now truly experienced deafening silence. I turn the Internet radio on to drown out my thoughts. I bumped my elbow, right where its bruised, on my desk.....like i needed a reminder.
10:13- Im worried but happy at the same time- Im worried , his face is fading from my mind. But im happy that finally every last detail isnt as defined. I still see that crooked smile, but even that is fading. My brain is adapting so I can survive. I pointed him out, face to face the morning of the attack...that identification should be enough...right?
10:40- I wonder who, if anyone, knows about this in Arizona. Are the men talking? are they keeping silent? Are they scared? Are they pissed at their friend? Do they think im lying? Should I contact a news station out there?
Do the men even know anything of whats going on in New Orleans? ( I had sent my friend a text on Monday that he and his friends should watch the news) ( I had also sent messages to friend and action friend on facebook asking them how it feels to be friends with a rapist) The men shouldn't be scared, I dont blame them, I am not out to get them.....just the one that did this to me. He should be scared.
11:30- Checked the news paper's website...people have stopped commenting- people have stopped caring. I am exhausted, my eyes are sore and puffy- What do I do next?
11:39- His crooked smile just flashed in my head again- I could vomit right here at my desk
Its pouring rain, I just want to go home and lay in bed- I wont- He will not have a negative effect on my life anymore- I will not let him- only positive things will come from this- I am lucky enough to love my job- I need to focus or I will lose it- I cant let him take that from me.
11:57 AM- A thought just occurred to me for the first time- would I be pushing so hard had my friend helped me? What if my friend had stopped this "man" before he threw me out the door? Would my friend have believed me then? Would he have helped me over a friend of his? If he did help, and did believe me, would the police have reacted differently? Would I have had to announce to an entire town that I had been raped? Would I still have reported it all to the police?.....this was rape- yes I would have- This could have been easier and I wish it was.
I can't change the past- he didnt help and I did what I had to....i will continue to do what I have to.
The perfect song came on the radio as I write this. Eminem- "Im not afraid"- this rings true "Im not afraid, to take a stand, everybody come take my hand, we'll walk this road together through the storm...."
12:43- Somehow I remembered I had bills to pay- Done- Dont know why Im documenting this- bills dont stop when your attention is focused elsewhere- thats life.
1:27- My Internet radio just crapped out- silence- why are you messing with me?
1:34- No call from Detective #3 like he promised yesterday....is anyone surprised? He doesnt care- How do you get a job as a Detective in sex crimes- If you dont give a shit you shouldnt have a job like that. WTF
1:37 Holy Downpour all day- with my luck my house will flood- maybe the flooding will just take me away
1:41- Emailing back and forth with co-workers. These women make me laugh, they have no idea the good they are doing for me, right now, just by being themselves. Ive actually been laughing for about 2 full minutes over some of the crazy stuff they have come up with- Cant forget the good things in life
2:35- I was doing well but caught a glimpse of my bruised left forearm- right back in it
2:47- Feeling Nauseous- cant shut my mind off, my thoughts are overwhelming- What if he gets away with this? Will I be as strong then as I am now? Will I break? I think I am starting to break right now.
Tears are forming at the thought of him not being punished- tears are forming at how sick to my stomach I feel right now- Hands are shakey- tears wont fall - Im telling myself I can handle anything, and I can- Trying to breathe- concentrate on work- My mind wont stop spinning! Just breathe, get back to work
2:58- I just vomited in a public bathroom- disgusting- makes me want to throw up again just at the thought- it was all water, I guess I forgot to eat today- I should be stronger than this. Adam Lambert on the radio again, cant help but smile...just a little.
3:31- Used to complain about all the problems that arise at work....now they are a welcome distraction..bring them on
4:08- I am picturing myself on the stand at trial- I will be outraged if this doesnt go to one- I imagine the defense trying to tear me apart on the stand, trying to make me break. I imagine having to sit in a room with my rapist, I imagine I will probably have to see that smug face of his again...I will probably throw up on his lawyers shoes...maybe not such a bad idea, some lawyers deserve a little puke on the shoes sometimes.
4:14- Still no call from NOPD- No call from the hospital on my bloodwork either- No new comments on either website, people have forgotten. I finally closed those 2 windows on my computer- they became an obsession- Im sure I will still check back, but no more constant surveillance- Its not healthy, I cant live that way. Writing is my new outlet, my new release, my way to cope.
Eminem is great with words- Does he write his own music? "...you can barely breathe when your with them, you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em..." - Thats how I felt about my friend. We met and everything just seemed to connect between us- I thought it could be something real
4:43- starting to have some vaginal itching...im hoping its psychological....maybe a yeast infection from the antibiotics i was given
5:47- Still no call from the NOPD or Hospital
6:15- Hospital calls while I am driving in the pouring rain- i pull over , shut the engine off and listen-
Good news, blood work came back ok- a medicine i was taking for a cold showed up. One test is still pending- on a sleeping pill- I inform the SANE nurse that I do take sleeping pills on occasion, but I dont keep them in my purse so I couldnt have taken any
Relief- I refused to believe my friend had drugged me..... I still honstley think he really like me
6:23- back on the road, my right leg starts shaking on the gas pedal...i cant get it to stop.
8:27- For once, being a complete slob has paid off- I got home and cleaned the house and have less and less frantic thoughts. I am able to unwind a bit- ready for bed
Cant resist checking the newspaper website.- some comment says to give me th $300 i want and sent me on my way. I joke back that I actually wanted 302.48 but good try- If i were in this for money, I would have already brought a civil suit
end of Thursday 9/30/2010
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