Im in my office, alone with the door closed. Im not feeling depressed, Im not really feeling anything. I just don't feel like talking to people....I feel bad about that, I love the little conversations that randomly occur when people stop by my door. For some reason, I just dont feel like pretending im ok today, I dont want to have to put a smile on my face and converse with people as if nothing has happened to me. In thinking about it, I think that pretending I am ok and being able to put that smile on my face and carry on conversation as usual is actually helping me get through this. But at the end of the day, its exhausting. No one here really knows what happened and I think I am doing a pretty good job of acting as I used to.
People are noticing I've lost a few pounds- one woman even asked what my secret was- sent a shiver through my body- I just smiled and said I have no idea, Im not doing anything different. Last week her comment would have sent me into a panic with my thoughts racing....not this week.
Today, I am actually ok with being alone with my thoughts. Im not really thinking about what happened though. Im just getting work done, occasionally wondering whats happening with my case, but brushing it off and not letting my thoughts get to me.
The days are long. I am always watching the clock, wondering what time is it and am I going to get a phone call from the police today.
I am calm, not panicked. Itching is mostly gone, last night of meds is tonight so we will see, if it comes back I am going to have to go for STD testing. I will have to see the look of pity on another nurses face as I tell them the reason why I am requesting testing....not looking forward to it.
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