Tuesday, October 12, 2010

10:30 AM Tues 10/12/10

Having a random panic attack that came out of absolutely no where.  I was having a great morning joking around with my best friend. All of a sudden my thoughts are all over the place and that pit in my chest is back.  WTF......i cant concentrate on anything right now, my hands are shaking.....
I havent panicked in almost a week....why now?
What if they dont charge him, what do I do? He raped me...am I really going to be ok if they dont prosecute....what can I do? Whats my next step
What if this person I am going to meet when I get to New Orleans doesnt have good news for me. What if they say there is nothing else I can do-
Thank goodness a work distraction just came up


its :1053-  That didnt help, made things worse for a bit. I was able to calm myself a bit. My hands wont stop shaking though.  Now im just down....i feel sluggish and heavy....had to close the office door because im scared im going to ball my eyes out any minute, i hope i can hold it back .....im not a crier

I can see his face again....brings a sick feeling to my stomach....if i cant make it go away im pretty sure im going to vomit.   Why is this memory coming back now.....i was doing fine not being able to remember any of it.  I feel so sick right now.   Anyone know any tricks on how to get something out of your mind??  I really dont want to vomit right now but its quickly heading in that direction

Congratulations to my rapist-  you have the ability to make a woman physically ill at both the thought and sight of you....quite and accomplishment-  not only do you physically violate women, but attack their mental state as well....you are the true definition of a man......fucking piece of shit

11:54 AM- I got my mind to calm down a bit....cant stop shaking though

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