Darkness

its 10:46 Wed. 10/20/10-

I may be in the darkest place I have ever been.  All I can think are bad thoughts, I am so angry.  It takes a lot to get me pissed, but I have only felt anger since sometime yesterday evening.
I dont like being in this place.  I have that pit in my chest again, my heart keeps racing and slowing down and racing and slowing down.  Im angry over something I have no control over, what a waste of time and emotion.   Anger is a ridiculous emotion if you think about it......people get angry and hurt others, people get angry over things they cant change......whats the point to feeling it?
Why walk around with all of this hatred
What makes it an even darker place is that I am at work, and I have to hold conversations and joke around with people...hiding my anger, not letting anyone know about it.....
Releasing names probably wasnt as smart of a decision as I thought, but I am glad I did it.  And I didnt give the 3 last names I do know...so I am able to somehow restrain my actions.  All of this could have been avoided if I was given the name of my rapist by any of the probably dozen people I asked.
What sucks is the fact that I had the opportunity to get his name when the responding officer showed me their licenses.....but the pic was so old i couldnt tell....and honestly i didnt even think to look at names. 
I guess that im not only angry with the police dept, the DA's office, my rapist and his friends, but also angry at myself for not being smart enough to get his name when it was right in front of me.

But regret is also a pointless emotion.  You regret what you did, but the cold hard truth is you did it and you can never take it back or make it completely better.  That may be my one and only regret though, I had the chance to get his name and I failed.

Ive never lived my life with anger and regret...why start now.....why cant I control feeling this way, I know its a waste of my time and energy.  The only thing that comes out of my anger is that I now know that I am a strong enough person to fight whomever I need to fight to get justice for myself. I should feel proud of that fact and just let the anger disappear ...but I cant.   The words "i cant help you" are still ringing in the back of my head...fueling my anger, not letting me let go

I need out of this dark place, I need answers, I need his name.  I dont even want his name so that I can tell everyone who he is....I want a name because I was violated and believe I deserve to know the name of the "man" that violated me.   I could honestly just get the name and do nothing about it. I could be completely content with just knowing the name of my attacker and being able to associate it with his ridiculous hair.
Closure.  Knowing his name is closure, and thats what I want.  I want out of the darkness