***Saints win!....barely....Im definitely making it back to New Orleans for another game before the end of the year.- My family has left.....Im alone, with no one around, for the first time since my attack. ****
Friday 10/1/10- 8:10- My best friend is in the office today, no deafening silence, just stupid conversations about stupid stuff that makes us laugh. Thoughts still cross my mind, but with her here, she breaks them up- She has no clue how helpful she is being just by being here, like she is every day. I haven't checked any of the websites yet.
I do however call my GYN- they dont have appointments on Friday...shit!- I tell them its urgent, I think I have a yeast infection , could they please call something into the pharmacy- They call it right in.....is it sick that part of me wishes this was an STD??? It would be absolute irrefutable evidence that I am not lying.....
9:05 AM- Its quiet, I am getting work done, but now my mind is racing- i have that strange "pit in your stomach" feeling, but it is in my chest. I am considering just giving up, just disappearing. Am I in some sort of denial that this happened to me? Why dont I cry? Could I actually just go on with life and never actually breakdown?
Maybe I was already broken. My hands aren't shaking as I write this....Do I just not care anymore? This long and drawn out process explains a lot about why women do not follow through once they have reported a rape-
Cops treatment, public opinion, burden of proof, submission to personal exams, admitting you were taken advantage of.....all deterring factors in a situation like this. What reason do you have to follow through? You can't change the past- what happened , happened. What is it going to do for me if my rapist actually gets punished- he's in jail...big deal....doesnt change what he did to me- Is the fight worth it? More people are willing to speak up with negativity than with support. I know I am not alone, but words of encouragement are few and far between. Am I really in this fight? Can I really make a difference?
10:30- At the pharmacy- have to wait- the woman next to me wont stop tapping her foot. I just want to slap her in the face. I cant help butch twitch my feet, my heart is racing-...and what is with this other lady's perfume??? Less is more!!!!! Learn this please- Finally the other woman's foot stopped- thank goodness...they called my name, I can get out of here.
11:45- I am tired, work is getting backlogged. I cant focus. I need to focus. I love my job, I cant lose it. I posted to my blog about the first part of the hospital- visitors to the page jumped from 109 to 115.....at least some people are listening.
1:00- Ugh...I am so itchy! Cant use the med until night time.....phenomenal news!
1:20- My mind is a lot more calm today...is it because my best friend is here? I am usually one to handle things on my own. Is it because with the start of my blog I have stopped obsessively checking the media websites?
With my blog, I just get to tell it how it is, no more responding to repetitive comments on my stupidity, no more people commenting without knowledge of the real story- Its 1:25 and 122 people in America have looked at my page....2 from Canada....good.....people need to know. People need to be informed.
1:32- Still waiting for the police to call.......its almost the weekend......I still here Detectives telling me that things take longer on the weekend- what a BS answer- you are a Police Department! What happened to this overhaul so many of you have been kind enough to tell me occurred recently? WTF! Now I am getting angry, i need to focus, i need to get back to work.....im still itching....Breathe
2:08 - Thought of a Detective calling ( hilarious thought that they would actually call) saying that the evidence is either inconclusive or something along those lines- sick feeling in my stomach, that pit feeling in my chest.
Will I be able to hold up if this is what happens? I was raped. What is my next step if this is what occurs? My hands are back to shaking, my thoughts are back to racing.
My best friend sees me writing in this notebook- I hide it anytime she gets up to get a book from behind me. I know she is wondering about it- Im not ready for her to see this yet- to know whats running through my mind when she is less than 5 feet away from me. When I am up to date with my posting maybe I will tell her. She already knows everything anyway- hell, shes the one that drove me to the pharmacy this morning.
She has no idea what her just being around me means- keeps me strong- holds me together- I know she will cry when she gets the chance to read this. We will surely have a "girl" moment and probably cry together and hug it out. I am not alone, and I dont need to be.
I just heard that line from Eminem's song again ....the one about meeting someone and not even knowing what hit ya- Makes me think of my friend- and seeing how I am fully disclosing everything- I still hold the opinion that this friend is a great guy and that he would have helped if he knew what was happening......or maybe I am just a terrible judge of character- Maybe he heard my screams and just didnt care- I'd like to think that any man that hears what went on that morning would have helped if they knew what was transpiring..... just because i'd like to think so, doesn't make it so.
Where is my update from the police?????
Still havent gone back to the news paper's website. I dont think I need to.
2:52- Slight pain in my LLQ, not unusual for me, but definitely gets my mind going - im itchy, no discharge...pelvic pain...
3:05-I can't see the "man's" face....at all. Happy but afraid. All I can see is his ridiculous hair- Hair! why do I remember his hair? It really looked stupid but why is that the only part I am remembering now? I dont even see that stupid smirk on his face...... I am happy
3:09- 144 hits from America, 2 from Canada -
3:17- I just changed the water cooler for the office- What happened to common courtesy and respect? I was always taught that if you finish something you should replace it. - I wasnt all that sore today, until lifting that water jug. Shoulder pain is back.
I can't imagine how women of violent rape cope- I am complaining of small bruises and muscle strains. How do you deal when you are beaten so bad that every move your body makes hurts and brings you right back to that place. I have slightly noticeable shakes- imagine the tremor-like shakes these women must have. Right now, I am pretty ashamed of myself looking at the scope of things....I got away easy.
3:23- Still no call from police- I refuse to call them now. They are proving exactly what I am trying to prove. Rape cases need to be handled better- Proof is in the silence.
3:29- I am panicking. My hands wont stop shaking, my heart is beating through my chest...breathe, just breathe. I haven't taken ativan since monday night- I don't want to- makes me tired, but it stops the shakes. Breathe, just focus on work, don't fall behind. Wishing for the usually untimely "crisis" at work that happens every friday at this time, figures it doesn't come today.
3:49- Co-worker came in- distraction- stopped shaking- calm.
3:58- Had to check the news paper site again- one last time- One very opinionated man seems to have tried to join the conversation. He seems a little to angry to not be one of the men involved in this case -
when i read the comment, the shakes came back- writing this....they stop
I am POSITIVE this man that made the post is one of them- he is quick to jump on my comments of people educating themselves on Louisiana Law before commenting- He is even kind enough to post one of the exact things I have previously posted- THE SIMPLE RAPE STATUTE-
What he seems to not understand about law is that interpretation of it is what defense and prosecution is based on. Some comments just don't deserve to be replied to. I think I have someone scared.
Reassurance from comments meant to be hurtful-- Great feeling- Nice try boys (if it is truly one of you)
If it isnt you then thank you to the this passionate man. You have unintentionally calmed me. I haven't felt this assured in quite a while. Is a thank you card appropriate in this sort of situation??
5:57- Just posted the details of the exam in the hospital- 154 hits in US, 2 hits Canada- Now I turn to twitter and announce my update and ask for attention to my cause.
6:08- No memory of what happened, not that I am trying all that hard to remember. I am exhausted. The vaginal itching is unbearable. I am not waiting anymore- I use the medication- I am laying down to take a nap before my sister gets to town anyway....thats almost like bedtime right?
9:05- My sister got here about an hour and half ago- Good laughs- I am exhausted- Don't feel like writing.
Still no call from police...again.....it is the weekend, things work slower on the weekend, ha!
9:53- Couldn't sleep- nothing on tv- I posted again- Documented the day after my attack- 167 hits in US, 2 Canada- time to tweet again
11:04- Posted the first part of Monday to blog, 169 hits US 2 Canada.
11:21- I am calm, not even thinking about that piece of crap...i think i can fall asleep now.
Up next is documentation of my saturday....Thanks to all that are listening
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