A few conversations

Anonymous has helped me move my archive over....or at least i hope it worked.
Also asked me to quote word for word the questions posed and then answer them.....no problem
Back to the deleting portions of stories.....I have not gone back and deleted anything, there are times when I have  gone back and added things, but not deleted.  There was one instance where I realized I used the word love and didnt realize it so I did quickly go back and change that phrasing.  If you really do have a screen shot of what I said that you think I deleted, please forward it to me, I know how I speak and will be able to tell if it was something I said, but I honestly dont remember deleting anything-

Next here is what anonymous says " I believe your story... I also believe you may have exaggerated some (bc everyone tends to do that when they are very emotional) and gone back and edited your blogs. The part of the drugs in your system was more than that little part that is there now (edited). I believe that this happened to you... but I don't consider it rape, he asked... you said yes! You didn't open your eyes and when you did, you were clearly not happy and he stopped. If I was in the "jury of your peers" I would not find him guilty. Was this unfortunate? Yes. Are you embarrassed? I think so. Did the NOPD handle this wrong? ABSOLUTELY!!! I gave you that link (the nola one) to let you know that you are not the only woman who has been treated this way. I think thats BS and needs to change. Perhaps only women should work the sex crimes unit or gay men bc I think straight men have no compassion and tend to side with the men from the start and that really annoys me. Let me answer your questions more specifically... I'm not dead set on calling you a liar... I just know what I read and that is NOT what is there now. It is not hard for me to believe this happened to you especially after all those drinks you had. I believe some points may be exaggerated or omitted bc alcohol tends to do that (make your forget some stuff) and I (personally) dont believe its rape. I dont think your wrong for drawing attention to the incompetent NOPD and the people who treated you so poorly"
    I guess we just have a different opinion on what constitutes rape.  This man had no business coming into my bed and doing what he did, we hadnt even held a conversation.  What kind of person climbs into a bed with a woman he doesnt know and expect them to be ok with it?  So I do believe this was rape. We will just have to agree to disagree on that point. 
   Your point about women working on sex crimes and gay men....It made me laugh a little....I couldnt fully tell if you were being sarcastic or if this was a true thought...because there could actually be made arguments for this.   What I do have to say is that there was a woman officer that also responded to my call, and she couldnt even look me in the face and didnt say one word to me.  She wouldnt come within 5 feet of me....Im honestly not even sure why she was there.  I have no problem with male officers handling rape cases, I just have the problem with the mentality they approach the victim with.
   And I guess what gets me about the alcohol argument is that the first night, before my rapist flew into town, I was back at the house for at least 5 hours and i was drinking water....I had drinks before hand but when I got to the house I didnt drink......I was actually walking around the house with water in a pitcher because I couldnt find any cups.  I was completely aware of everything going on around me. And everyone was a ton of fun, having a great time.  Come the next night yes I had been drinking and that probably has to do with some of the memory loss, the other part of the memory loss is just because I dont want to go back to that place.

And for Caroline-  I know I need to seek counseling, I know my nerves are at their end.  But Im not ready to break down just yet.  I dont know if that makes any sense, but I feel the minute I start speaking with a counselor and they start asking questions and making me re-live everything I will just break down and not have it in me to fight anymore......im not ready to quit fighting just yet....so im using my blog....at least im not keeping it all bottled up inside.    This thing at work definitely does make things a lot more complicated....but in some sick way, its a relief......every thought that runs through my mind wont be about my rape anymore.  At least I have something else to focus on, another problem yes, I am so glad to not have every thought running through my mind be about rape......I am ashamed of myself for this, I take no joy in what may happen to this person I work with......