Tues Nov 29, 2011
A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection. I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage. I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff. It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time. I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy.
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night. I found myself annoyed for the most part, with pretty much just being in public. I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends, I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying.
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.
What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun. I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :)
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again. Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.
My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news. The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon, something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute. At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it. So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried. I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.
One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I have no Kitchen
Sunday Nov 20, 2011
I have been on edge for over a week now. I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off
I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.
Take today as another example. I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking. My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan. I flipped out. Ran around the house slamming things until she left.
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles.
I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better. But that wasnt enough, after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this??? No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.
I find myself wondering what the point of life is. More often than not, life is a struggle. What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die. You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar. When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone.
Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness, for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.
I have been on edge for over a week now. I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off
I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.
Take today as another example. I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking. My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan. I flipped out. Ran around the house slamming things until she left.
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles.
I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better. But that wasnt enough, after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this??? No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.
I find myself wondering what the point of life is. More often than not, life is a struggle. What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die. You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar. When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone.
Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness, for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
a little advice
Nov 5 2011
Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok
I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left. There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well. This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice
I get it. The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it. They cant write either, I get that too.
Here is a little background on me. I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public. I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it. If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation.
I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life. As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you.
That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world. I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...
My Advice: like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims. I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape. When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up. There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.
I found that writing, for me, was my best outlet. As I said earlier.....I am not a writer. I havent written anything of substance in my life. The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help. No one is looking at me with pity. At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me, I found it to be a necessity. After I was raped, I was looking for help. My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were. How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance. I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything. There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance. There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"
So I decided to do something about it. My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort.
Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you. It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written. Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic.
As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps. Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better. Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does.
Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true. I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.
I hope this helps . please keep me updated on how you are doing :)
Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok
I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left. There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well. This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice
I get it. The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it. They cant write either, I get that too.
Here is a little background on me. I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public. I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it. If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation.
I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life. As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you.
That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world. I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...
My Advice: like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims. I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape. When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up. There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.
I found that writing, for me, was my best outlet. As I said earlier.....I am not a writer. I havent written anything of substance in my life. The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help. No one is looking at me with pity. At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me, I found it to be a necessity. After I was raped, I was looking for help. My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were. How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance. I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything. There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance. There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"
So I decided to do something about it. My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort.
Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you. It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written. Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic.
As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps. Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better. Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does.
Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true. I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.
I hope this helps . please keep me updated on how you are doing :)
Monday, September 26, 2011
One Full Year
Monday, Sept 26, 2011
A full year has gone by since my rape. I have been dreading this day. I have been wondering if I whether or not I would make it to this date alive.
Surprisingly today was an ok day. My thoughts didnt wander too much, i didnt sit in a dark room feeling sorry for myself.
There was a time I was sure I wouldnt be alive once this day came.....a few suicide attempts didnt do it, so I rest my hopes were on not waking up from a surgical procedure I had a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I woke up....and in tons of pain.
These past few weeks I have been so drugged out of my mind that I really didnt think much about my rape and how poorly the DA and NOPD treated me. But now that the pain has subsided, the thoughts are coming back in full force.
I still cant sleep at night, one full year later I still lay down to relax and fall asleep and my thoughts always shift back to every aspect of my rape...making my mind race causing inability to sleep.
I havent been following any articles on the NOPD because I am doing my best to move past this, and by looking I make myself obsess more and more and that just isnt healthy. But I can say I am 100% positive that those "steps" they claimed to have taken to remedy the issues of police handling rape situations has been put off to the side, long forgotten......until it happens again,.....until it happens again where one strong woman is raped and decides that the NOPD didnt treat her fairly and properly, and the DA will be too lazy to bring About even a misdemeanor charge that could be proven without a shadow of a doubt. And when that strong woman has the courage to speak out and draw attention to the issue.......maybe she will get someone to listen and succeed where I failed..
I truly believe another woman will come along , willing to stand up for herself and when she does, I hope to hear about it so I can join her fight in any way I can- helping her will be hard, I have done so much to try to forget any and everything that happened to me, but if she is willing to fight,, I will face my demons and fight with her.
It will be a shame that this woman would have to go through this, but the NOPD hasnt changed and if she is strong enough to stand up to them, maybe she could force another look at the changes that were looked at and brushed to the side when I spoke out.
Thanks for listening/....heres to a new year of life for me
A full year has gone by since my rape. I have been dreading this day. I have been wondering if I whether or not I would make it to this date alive.
Surprisingly today was an ok day. My thoughts didnt wander too much, i didnt sit in a dark room feeling sorry for myself.
There was a time I was sure I wouldnt be alive once this day came.....a few suicide attempts didnt do it, so I rest my hopes were on not waking up from a surgical procedure I had a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I woke up....and in tons of pain.
These past few weeks I have been so drugged out of my mind that I really didnt think much about my rape and how poorly the DA and NOPD treated me. But now that the pain has subsided, the thoughts are coming back in full force.
I still cant sleep at night, one full year later I still lay down to relax and fall asleep and my thoughts always shift back to every aspect of my rape...making my mind race causing inability to sleep.
I havent been following any articles on the NOPD because I am doing my best to move past this, and by looking I make myself obsess more and more and that just isnt healthy. But I can say I am 100% positive that those "steps" they claimed to have taken to remedy the issues of police handling rape situations has been put off to the side, long forgotten......until it happens again,.....until it happens again where one strong woman is raped and decides that the NOPD didnt treat her fairly and properly, and the DA will be too lazy to bring About even a misdemeanor charge that could be proven without a shadow of a doubt. And when that strong woman has the courage to speak out and draw attention to the issue.......maybe she will get someone to listen and succeed where I failed..
I truly believe another woman will come along , willing to stand up for herself and when she does, I hope to hear about it so I can join her fight in any way I can- helping her will be hard, I have done so much to try to forget any and everything that happened to me, but if she is willing to fight,, I will face my demons and fight with her.
It will be a shame that this woman would have to go through this, but the NOPD hasnt changed and if she is strong enough to stand up to them, maybe she could force another look at the changes that were looked at and brushed to the side when I spoke out.
Thanks for listening/....heres to a new year of life for me
Monday, September 5, 2011
Its almost that time
9/5/11
Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see. The month, a year from when I was raped.
I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office. A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape. Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life. This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long. Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me. Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.
Nights are the worst for me. I cant sleep. I lay down but I cant relax . When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head. I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep. How ridiculous is this. I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves. Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.
I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between. Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world. During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky. Luckily my boss is understanding I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.
I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore. I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play. Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on. I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape. I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office.
Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place. I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.
I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it. But the comments that were posted brought me to tears. My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling.
It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write. It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape. Its strange. I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down.
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible. The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory. My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.
Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see. The month, a year from when I was raped.
I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office. A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape. Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life. This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long. Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me. Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.
Nights are the worst for me. I cant sleep. I lay down but I cant relax . When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head. I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep. How ridiculous is this. I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves. Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.
I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between. Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world. During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky. Luckily my boss is understanding I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.
I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore. I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play. Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on. I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape. I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office.
Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place. I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.
I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it. But the comments that were posted brought me to tears. My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling.
It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write. It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape. Its strange. I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down.
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible. The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory. My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.
Monday, August 15, 2011
I thought I was over this
Monday 8/15/11
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moday August 8
Im finding myself angry pretty much all of the time. My life isnt carefree and fun like it used to be
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
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