Mon Feb 14 2011 5:03 PM
Finally feeling back to "myself" (whatever that is ) again. I am well aware that there are probably 8 versions of myself by now...but at least I am back to one where my emotions are under control and I am laughing again.
Nothing happened to make me feel better, I just slowly started to become less angry, less frustrated and a little more tolerant.
My best friend and I dont work in the same office anymore, I cant remember if I brought that up. I dont see her all that often, and with the way I had been feeling I pretty much just pushed her completely out of my life. I didnt feel like doing anything, which pretty much meant me telling her no all of the time if she wanted to do something. I know she was getting frustrated and worried, she'd ask how I was doing every so often, let me know she was still there when I was ready..........I finally let her come over to the house last Friday, I had gone back and forth but finally settled that it might not be the best thing to cut everyone I know out of my life.
We had planned on just relaxing and watching movies, instead we sat in the kitchen (which for some reason everyone just tends to do at my house) and talked for hours. I bitched about a few things, I let her bitch about a few too. We got into a little bit of planning for Vegas.....I am a little more excited about going now.
She reads my blog so of course she had some questions.....we definitely had a good time laughing about my irrational fear of bearded men.
Overall, the night wasnt bad and I was glad I kept the plans.
On a side note, I wanted to download pictures from my vacation to my computer.....and I clearly didnt think that through.......picture from New Orleans back in September are on there. Reminders, but not detrimental. I actually had an idea pop into my head and I am struggling with it. I emailed all of the pictures to my cell phone. I have pictures of each guy from the first night now readily available to post on twitter in hopes that someone will recognize them, read my story, know my rapist, and decide to give me a little information.
The question becomes, do I poke the bear? Before my most recent melt down, I was doing better than I could have ever imagined......I wasnt doing anything regarding filing a civil suit or finding out more information. I was doing well. Do I stir things back up? I clearly wasnt 100% better seeing how I had a complete mental breakdown last week.....so do I keep fighting? or do I decide to start ignoring it again and re-start the healing process?
I remember saying that words are powerful......pictures are too......someone may not be tying the pieces together...maybe they know the name but somehow still arent sure.... maybe if they see the picture of Kevin , Mike, Paul, Mac, Matt and Don they will realize I have been talking about their friend all along.....maybe they will know this individual that felt it appropriate to rape me.
The question.......do I keep trying?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sorry
Monday Feb 7 ,, 2011 9:23pm
Sorry about the freak out.....im calm now. Nothing a few ativan and an ambien cant handle. At least I feel like i can sleep now.
Goodnite
Sorry about the freak out.....im calm now. Nothing a few ativan and an ambien cant handle. At least I feel like i can sleep now.
Goodnite
Im a Mess
Monday Feb 7, 2011 8:00 PM
i am a complete mess. I cant remember the last time I felt this annoyed, angry, frustrated, exhausted and worthless. I would be lying if I said the thought of killing myself havent been crossing my mind again.
I have no idea what has brought all of this on but I am such a mess. I was doing so well, I dont understand how this can be happening again.
i am a complete mess. I cant remember the last time I felt this annoyed, angry, frustrated, exhausted and worthless. I would be lying if I said the thought of killing myself havent been crossing my mind again.
I have no idea what has brought all of this on but I am such a mess. I was doing so well, I dont understand how this can be happening again.
When Im depressed....I write....I guess
6:32 PM Mon Feb 7th
Cant get my head to stop spinning yet, so getting to be wasnt as easy as I imagined. So I guess I will talk about the rest of my trip.....there really isnt all that much left except thoughts and feelings, but whatever, im depressed and apparently overly emotional right now , so deal with it or stop reading right?
There were few and far between times in which my rape and surrounding events entered my mind on vacation. The first, as I have already written about was on the plane. Nothing too crazy, nothing out of control. The second occasion (which is actually multiple occasions just classified under one subject) would be my seemingly new irrational fear of men with beards. Just reminders but none the less cause my heart to jump thinking they were there and going to try to do something to me. Onto the third occasion...and I remember it clearly.
I was laying on the beach and had gotten a text from back home about the awful snow they were getting....so I in turn took a picture of the sun shining and the closest palm tree I could find and sent it to them. Then I had gotten onto twitter and found a friend that had gone through a similar experience was having a really hard time.....I felt terrible, there I was, surrounded by distraction, and there she was, having a difficult time and not sure how she was going to get through it. I sent her a picture of a Hawaiian flower to let her know I was thinking about her and there if she needed me. She responded that I had no idea how much that meant to her and how it came at the total right time. Its the small things sometimes that help the most. I did the only thing I could do and tried to brighten her day.....I know that sometimes with me, even the smallest things would help... I then sent her a picture of a penguin I named P. Diddy to try to get her to laugh. I do not know this woman all that well, but we are connected and we understand eachother. Im glad I could be there for her.
Those were the only 3 occasions my thoughts were able to linger back to those days in the end of September/early October.
I did however find myself with another emotional issue. While laying on the beach, listening to music I was reminded of my upcoming trip to Vegas. Should be something I am very excited for, and I was....but then I let my mind run and get the best of me. I have been in love with this man that lives in California since the moment I met him a year and a half ago. It was the perfect relationship for me because I hate being around people in general, so when we did get to see eachother it was great...every few months we would get to see eachother. Vegas was our city. Im not really sure what went on, Im a assuming he found someone else, but we stopped seeing eachother a while ago.
I have never been to Vegas without him. Im almost positive the only reason I loved that city so much was because I was there with him. When I thought things were ending with us, I did make a trip out to Vegas by myself, just to see if the city would be the same....it wasnt. I told him that, we worked through whatever and a few months later we were back in Vegas together and the city was amazing again.
Now, I have plans for my best friends 30th birthday to go out there.....I havent spoken to this man in a few months now. He knows when I am going. Truth is I want him there. Im scared that I am going to ruin my best friends trip because I wont be able to make the best of it and Im going to be stuck dwelling on the past.
Im not sure how its possible that I can still be as in love with this guy as I was the first day I met him, but I am. I guess theres always that one person in your life that you can never truly get over. He is my person.
Most of me hopes he surprises me and shows up in Vegas, but theres that part of me that has been pretty hurt and doesnt want to let him back in my life because he will only disappear again.
This is where smart girls are stupid girls. You can be of the highest intelligence in everything in life, but there is always one person that makes you stupid. One person that, despite all of your common sense and focus on reality, will make you look like a complete fool. One person that you will not be willing to give up on.
So long story short, Vegas isnt Vegas without the love of my life......and seeing how im hypersensative and emotional thanks to my rape....my feelings are jumping out all over the place messing up what should be a great weekend with friends.
And with that, its bed time- I will talk about the plane trip home tomorrow :) good night all
Cant get my head to stop spinning yet, so getting to be wasnt as easy as I imagined. So I guess I will talk about the rest of my trip.....there really isnt all that much left except thoughts and feelings, but whatever, im depressed and apparently overly emotional right now , so deal with it or stop reading right?
There were few and far between times in which my rape and surrounding events entered my mind on vacation. The first, as I have already written about was on the plane. Nothing too crazy, nothing out of control. The second occasion (which is actually multiple occasions just classified under one subject) would be my seemingly new irrational fear of men with beards. Just reminders but none the less cause my heart to jump thinking they were there and going to try to do something to me. Onto the third occasion...and I remember it clearly.
I was laying on the beach and had gotten a text from back home about the awful snow they were getting....so I in turn took a picture of the sun shining and the closest palm tree I could find and sent it to them. Then I had gotten onto twitter and found a friend that had gone through a similar experience was having a really hard time.....I felt terrible, there I was, surrounded by distraction, and there she was, having a difficult time and not sure how she was going to get through it. I sent her a picture of a Hawaiian flower to let her know I was thinking about her and there if she needed me. She responded that I had no idea how much that meant to her and how it came at the total right time. Its the small things sometimes that help the most. I did the only thing I could do and tried to brighten her day.....I know that sometimes with me, even the smallest things would help... I then sent her a picture of a penguin I named P. Diddy to try to get her to laugh. I do not know this woman all that well, but we are connected and we understand eachother. Im glad I could be there for her.
Those were the only 3 occasions my thoughts were able to linger back to those days in the end of September/early October.
I did however find myself with another emotional issue. While laying on the beach, listening to music I was reminded of my upcoming trip to Vegas. Should be something I am very excited for, and I was....but then I let my mind run and get the best of me. I have been in love with this man that lives in California since the moment I met him a year and a half ago. It was the perfect relationship for me because I hate being around people in general, so when we did get to see eachother it was great...every few months we would get to see eachother. Vegas was our city. Im not really sure what went on, Im a assuming he found someone else, but we stopped seeing eachother a while ago.
I have never been to Vegas without him. Im almost positive the only reason I loved that city so much was because I was there with him. When I thought things were ending with us, I did make a trip out to Vegas by myself, just to see if the city would be the same....it wasnt. I told him that, we worked through whatever and a few months later we were back in Vegas together and the city was amazing again.
Now, I have plans for my best friends 30th birthday to go out there.....I havent spoken to this man in a few months now. He knows when I am going. Truth is I want him there. Im scared that I am going to ruin my best friends trip because I wont be able to make the best of it and Im going to be stuck dwelling on the past.
Im not sure how its possible that I can still be as in love with this guy as I was the first day I met him, but I am. I guess theres always that one person in your life that you can never truly get over. He is my person.
Most of me hopes he surprises me and shows up in Vegas, but theres that part of me that has been pretty hurt and doesnt want to let him back in my life because he will only disappear again.
This is where smart girls are stupid girls. You can be of the highest intelligence in everything in life, but there is always one person that makes you stupid. One person that, despite all of your common sense and focus on reality, will make you look like a complete fool. One person that you will not be willing to give up on.
So long story short, Vegas isnt Vegas without the love of my life......and seeing how im hypersensative and emotional thanks to my rape....my feelings are jumping out all over the place messing up what should be a great weekend with friends.
And with that, its bed time- I will talk about the plane trip home tomorrow :) good night all
Doing Slightly better
Mon Feb 7 2011 5:44
Went to the gym to burn off a little bit of steam.....which is funny because I have no energy, no will to do anything,I am depressed, sick and just plain worn out. But i needed to do something to get my mind back into some sort of non-chaotic state.
Im not really even sure how I ended up at the gym....I just got in my car and drove around.
Anyway, im still exhausted and worn down....but at least im not a balling mess anymore. Now im just mostly annoyed......im not even sure what exactly it is that I am annoyed at, but im annoyed.
Maybe talking about my vacation will help me get back into a better mood.
Anyway, we got to see all the probowl players all around town. I did have quite of a mood swing at one point. On the Saturday before the probowl, they close down one of the main streets in Waikiki for a Probowl block party. My friends and I had gotten to it, walked a quick walk through and then.....nothing....seriously. We stood around in a little circle asking eachother what they wanted to do....im not kidding. After about 5 minutes I got so frickin annoyed I told them to have fun I was going back to the hotel. And thats what I did, like an oversized 5 year old , i walked off in a huff, all the way down the main drag, then down to the beach and walked the beach back to the hotel. Something that should have been so much fun was completely ruined because my mood can snap in 2 seconds. Apparently they need me around to have fun because about a half hour later they showed up back at the hotel.
Which really pisses me off. I enjoy going on vacation with friends and family, but if I want to go do something by myself, its almost impossible because somehow I seem to be the center of their universe when it comes to what to do. If i dont want to do something they dont, or if I do want to do something they are all over it. If we decide we are going to do something and last minute I change my mind, but tell them to just go ahead....they stay.....Its pretty f-ing annoying......I know im hilarious to be around and all but come on!
Sunday was the probowl and it was the perfect day for it. It was pouring rain for about 2 hours before the game, so I wouldnt have been able to lay on the beach anyway. The rain stopped right before the game and we all had a blast.....surprisingly to me, the stadium looked to be almost completely sold out.....a huge change from 2 and 3 years prior when I had gone. Cell phones didnt work all that well in the stadium either, but all that did was save me and my friends an overload of pictures trying to make them jealous i was in Hawaii.
Monday was a good day. Early in the morning Scott Caan was filming for Hawaii 5-0 by the Lagoon at our Hotel. Got to take a few pictures then went off to relax on the beach. Later that night we were driving back into the hotel and we saw Scott on his cell phone, seemed like he was arguing with someone.....all I could do was laugh, because if you watch the show.....the arm moves were uncanny......he doesnt act when he uses those arm movements...i think its just some sort of natural spasm he has when he interacts with people. He is a very visual actor and im pretty sure that just translates from how he is in real life.
Tuesday we got to see both Scott and Alex filming at our hotel. Its so strange to see because they just keep doing the same scene, over and over again...with hundreds of spectators on the sideline watching them. It was like they were an exhibit at the zoo. It was really amazing to see how the actors interacted with the crew, and the extras. I was pleasantly surprised to see Alex O'Loughlin on set. He was always smiling and making jokes. He was talking to everyone on set and just seemed incredibly laid back and playful. Its very refreshing to see something like that. Scott had his moments where he would jokingly harass a few people that were in the scene.....he even bowed for cheers from the crowd when the only portion of the scene he was filming was him walking next to a pool talking on a cell phone.
Later that night we got to see them filming the rest of the scene with Dane Cook who is playing Scotts brother on the show. At first I didnt recognize him, he lost a little weight and his face was a lot thinner. I dont think I was able to get a picture of him though. He was surprisingly quiet on the set. Just there working and quietly joking around with the cast.
Unfortunately Grace Park and Daniel Dae Kim werent filming that day so I didnt get to see them. I would have loved to see Grace though....love her. The episode was episode 17 I believe slated to air maybe mid march - title Loa Aloha.....I think....dont quote me on that one.
But anyway....that was a great distraction to have while on vacation. I had never seen filming up close like that.
well its 6:07 and im feeling a bit better after reflecting on my vacation, but im still a bit depressed so im off to bed.
Goodnight- Hope all is well
Went to the gym to burn off a little bit of steam.....which is funny because I have no energy, no will to do anything,I am depressed, sick and just plain worn out. But i needed to do something to get my mind back into some sort of non-chaotic state.
Im not really even sure how I ended up at the gym....I just got in my car and drove around.
Anyway, im still exhausted and worn down....but at least im not a balling mess anymore. Now im just mostly annoyed......im not even sure what exactly it is that I am annoyed at, but im annoyed.
Maybe talking about my vacation will help me get back into a better mood.
Anyway, we got to see all the probowl players all around town. I did have quite of a mood swing at one point. On the Saturday before the probowl, they close down one of the main streets in Waikiki for a Probowl block party. My friends and I had gotten to it, walked a quick walk through and then.....nothing....seriously. We stood around in a little circle asking eachother what they wanted to do....im not kidding. After about 5 minutes I got so frickin annoyed I told them to have fun I was going back to the hotel. And thats what I did, like an oversized 5 year old , i walked off in a huff, all the way down the main drag, then down to the beach and walked the beach back to the hotel. Something that should have been so much fun was completely ruined because my mood can snap in 2 seconds. Apparently they need me around to have fun because about a half hour later they showed up back at the hotel.
Which really pisses me off. I enjoy going on vacation with friends and family, but if I want to go do something by myself, its almost impossible because somehow I seem to be the center of their universe when it comes to what to do. If i dont want to do something they dont, or if I do want to do something they are all over it. If we decide we are going to do something and last minute I change my mind, but tell them to just go ahead....they stay.....Its pretty f-ing annoying......I know im hilarious to be around and all but come on!
Sunday was the probowl and it was the perfect day for it. It was pouring rain for about 2 hours before the game, so I wouldnt have been able to lay on the beach anyway. The rain stopped right before the game and we all had a blast.....surprisingly to me, the stadium looked to be almost completely sold out.....a huge change from 2 and 3 years prior when I had gone. Cell phones didnt work all that well in the stadium either, but all that did was save me and my friends an overload of pictures trying to make them jealous i was in Hawaii.
Monday was a good day. Early in the morning Scott Caan was filming for Hawaii 5-0 by the Lagoon at our Hotel. Got to take a few pictures then went off to relax on the beach. Later that night we were driving back into the hotel and we saw Scott on his cell phone, seemed like he was arguing with someone.....all I could do was laugh, because if you watch the show.....the arm moves were uncanny......he doesnt act when he uses those arm movements...i think its just some sort of natural spasm he has when he interacts with people. He is a very visual actor and im pretty sure that just translates from how he is in real life.
Tuesday we got to see both Scott and Alex filming at our hotel. Its so strange to see because they just keep doing the same scene, over and over again...with hundreds of spectators on the sideline watching them. It was like they were an exhibit at the zoo. It was really amazing to see how the actors interacted with the crew, and the extras. I was pleasantly surprised to see Alex O'Loughlin on set. He was always smiling and making jokes. He was talking to everyone on set and just seemed incredibly laid back and playful. Its very refreshing to see something like that. Scott had his moments where he would jokingly harass a few people that were in the scene.....he even bowed for cheers from the crowd when the only portion of the scene he was filming was him walking next to a pool talking on a cell phone.
Later that night we got to see them filming the rest of the scene with Dane Cook who is playing Scotts brother on the show. At first I didnt recognize him, he lost a little weight and his face was a lot thinner. I dont think I was able to get a picture of him though. He was surprisingly quiet on the set. Just there working and quietly joking around with the cast.
Unfortunately Grace Park and Daniel Dae Kim werent filming that day so I didnt get to see them. I would have loved to see Grace though....love her. The episode was episode 17 I believe slated to air maybe mid march - title Loa Aloha.....I think....dont quote me on that one.
But anyway....that was a great distraction to have while on vacation. I had never seen filming up close like that.
well its 6:07 and im feeling a bit better after reflecting on my vacation, but im still a bit depressed so im off to bed.
Goodnight- Hope all is well
Not your average Monday
Monday 2/7/11 3:33 PM
Well when I woke up this morning I had no idea my day was going to end up this way. I mean i knew i had a Dr.s appointment, but thats it.
Well as of about 2:00 this afternoon I am pretty sure I quit my job. Just got fed up and said to hell with it and left. Then I had my annual GYN appointment at 2:30. I wasnt expecting the visit to be so hard.....but I ended up balling my eyes out like some weak, broken , piece of garbage. I had to ask him to run STD testing seeing how the testing was not part of the rape kit. And, what do dr.'s do when you ask for certain testing,...they ask you why it is necessary....and I completely lost my shit. Yet another person in my town that knows I was raped. Awesome. He was very comforting and didnt push me to talk which was great.
Then I had to get up on the exam table....and all the thoughts about the day of my rape came rushing back. I had to get up on that table, again, like when I had to go through the rape kit. It was one of the most emotionally taxing things I have had to go through....and to think, I have to do this once a year for the rest of my life. Once a year, for the rest of my life I am going to be brought back to that sickening place, once a year I am going to have this emotional setback after working so damn hard to get past it.
I guess , no matter how hard you try, and how much you convince yourself that you are doing just fine, there are always going to be those things in life that make you go back to that terrible place and force you to start your healing process all over again.
At least its over, now I can go home and lay in bed the rest of the day.......or longer seeing how I am almost positive I dont have a job, and even if I somehow do, I dont want it. Its a bullshit job where no one takes accountability for their actions or in-actions for that matter.
Im smart, and educated. I am not worried that no one will hire. They will. And if I have to more elsewhere to find a place that will, that is perfectly ok with me.
Well when I woke up this morning I had no idea my day was going to end up this way. I mean i knew i had a Dr.s appointment, but thats it.
Well as of about 2:00 this afternoon I am pretty sure I quit my job. Just got fed up and said to hell with it and left. Then I had my annual GYN appointment at 2:30. I wasnt expecting the visit to be so hard.....but I ended up balling my eyes out like some weak, broken , piece of garbage. I had to ask him to run STD testing seeing how the testing was not part of the rape kit. And, what do dr.'s do when you ask for certain testing,...they ask you why it is necessary....and I completely lost my shit. Yet another person in my town that knows I was raped. Awesome. He was very comforting and didnt push me to talk which was great.
Then I had to get up on the exam table....and all the thoughts about the day of my rape came rushing back. I had to get up on that table, again, like when I had to go through the rape kit. It was one of the most emotionally taxing things I have had to go through....and to think, I have to do this once a year for the rest of my life. Once a year, for the rest of my life I am going to be brought back to that sickening place, once a year I am going to have this emotional setback after working so damn hard to get past it.
I guess , no matter how hard you try, and how much you convince yourself that you are doing just fine, there are always going to be those things in life that make you go back to that terrible place and force you to start your healing process all over again.
At least its over, now I can go home and lay in bed the rest of the day.......or longer seeing how I am almost positive I dont have a job, and even if I somehow do, I dont want it. Its a bullshit job where no one takes accountability for their actions or in-actions for that matter.
Im smart, and educated. I am not worried that no one will hire. They will. And if I have to more elsewhere to find a place that will, that is perfectly ok with me.
Monday Feb 7- Fear of people
12:08 PM
So I worked all day Saturday, but the flying caught up to me so I took Sunday off. Planes are filthy, germ infested places and no matter what you do next to wearing a Haz-mat suit....you are going to catch other peoples colds.
Im a little pissed to tell you the truth. I took vitamin c before the plan, any time i touched anything i used hand sanitizer, etc....yet here I am , with a friggin cold. Its amazing the if people would just do something as simple as wash their hands....they could minimize the spreading of germs......but as many studies have shown, people just dont wash their hands.
My friends and I conducted our own "study" of sorts while we were at dinner in Hawaii. We were sitting in an area where we would hear the massive air hand blowers...these were the hi-tech hand blowers that are incredibly loud and strong and dry your hands in 2.5 seconds. After going to the bathroom in the restaurant, I noticed there were no paper towel dispensers, you use the blowers or your wipe on your pants.
While sitting in this restaurant, we would happen to know anytime anyone left the bathroom as we could hear the blowers. .....we would also see those who tried to sneak out (and by sneak I mean they clearly didnt wash their hands as no noise was heard yet they came from the bathroom)
Congratulations women.....there was only one instance in which a woman exited the rest room and there was no sound....there was also no wiping of hands on pants either.....
Men on the other hand.....on 4 occasions there was no sound upon exiting...however, there were 2 occasions in which the man was seen wiping on his pants. To those other 2 men....you are nasty for multiple reasons. ....you clearly touched your wenis to go to the bathroom, you clearly did not wash your hands. which leads up to the touching of everything around you, including that nice juicy burger you sat down to eat. Congratulations, you have now eaten micro size bits of your penis.
Anyway, to get back to the actual point of this story. Wash your hands and stop spreading germs and every other form of gunk on your hands please and thank you.
SO, on another note.
Vacation was great, I got to do absolutely nothing but lay on the beach 6 of the 7 days I was there. I came home with a phenomenal tan and bleach blond hair. We went to climb diamond head b/c I hadnt done it in years, unfortunately it was closed......no busting out random dance moves on top of the world (or at least a volcano) for me.
Pro Bowl players were all over the beach. Ran into Julius peppers a few times. A few days the defensive line was there too. Assunte Samuel was seen all over the place.
Funny thing, A man that I sat next to on the plane and I got to talking. He and his wife run a few of the YMCA's on the Island. I had told him I was a saints fan and he started telling me how his wife was with Drew Brees helping run a charity event. When we landed in San Fran. he was able to text her and ask him to get a picture of him for me. She did, and so he forwarded it to my email. Its an awesome picture of Drew with a Lei on. Its amazing all kinds of people you meet when you go places.
Thats what I love most about traveling. Any time I go anywhere I make friends with people. I know people that I consider friends in Lousiana, Maryland, Florida, California, Hawaii, North Carolina, Texas...the list goes on and on. As I always say, people are inherently bad, but when you have the opportunity to meet new people and find them to be good, you should always jump at it, as good people unfortunately are a rarity.
Which leads me back to why I befriended Kevin, Paul, Mac, Matt, Don, blah blah blah...they all seemed to be good people....funny, sense of humor, not mean spirited.......then enter my Rapist that had to go ahead and ruin it. Had to go ahead and jump in and prove my point that people are inherently bad. Not only was he a bad person, but he also showed the bad side of Kevin, Paul, Mac, Mike .......Not one of them would help me.....My judgement on those "men" was seriously off.........and now, thanks to my rapist.....I found myself a little more hesitant to make friends while I was on vacation this time.
I found myself afraid to carry on a conversation too long with anyone. I met some truly interesting people. But when it came down to meeting up with them later for a drink or to go surfing...I couldnt bring myself to do it. And it wasnt just men I was afraid to befriend. I met a group of hilarious girls, they wanted to meet up for drinks and dancing later......I decided not to go because dancing would probably lead to meeting men, in which one (i now know it just takes one) could be a bad guy. I still have these girls numbers and we text random jokes to eachother .....but I am really bothered by the fact I had to change who I am because I was raped. I guess I dont feel 100% safe yet.....Im pretty sure I wont ever feel that safe again. Before my rape I would have gone with these girls and had a great time, its amazing how one creep with god-awful hair can change that. And of course, those girls did go out, had a blast and nothing went wrong......my rapist ruined a perfectly good time I could have had. I am hoping in time my trust in people will be renewed.
Anyway, back to work...everything is a mess but I am doing my best to not get stressed over it.
So I worked all day Saturday, but the flying caught up to me so I took Sunday off. Planes are filthy, germ infested places and no matter what you do next to wearing a Haz-mat suit....you are going to catch other peoples colds.
Im a little pissed to tell you the truth. I took vitamin c before the plan, any time i touched anything i used hand sanitizer, etc....yet here I am , with a friggin cold. Its amazing the if people would just do something as simple as wash their hands....they could minimize the spreading of germs......but as many studies have shown, people just dont wash their hands.
My friends and I conducted our own "study" of sorts while we were at dinner in Hawaii. We were sitting in an area where we would hear the massive air hand blowers...these were the hi-tech hand blowers that are incredibly loud and strong and dry your hands in 2.5 seconds. After going to the bathroom in the restaurant, I noticed there were no paper towel dispensers, you use the blowers or your wipe on your pants.
While sitting in this restaurant, we would happen to know anytime anyone left the bathroom as we could hear the blowers. .....we would also see those who tried to sneak out (and by sneak I mean they clearly didnt wash their hands as no noise was heard yet they came from the bathroom)
Congratulations women.....there was only one instance in which a woman exited the rest room and there was no sound....there was also no wiping of hands on pants either.....
Men on the other hand.....on 4 occasions there was no sound upon exiting...however, there were 2 occasions in which the man was seen wiping on his pants. To those other 2 men....you are nasty for multiple reasons. ....you clearly touched your wenis to go to the bathroom, you clearly did not wash your hands. which leads up to the touching of everything around you, including that nice juicy burger you sat down to eat. Congratulations, you have now eaten micro size bits of your penis.
Anyway, to get back to the actual point of this story. Wash your hands and stop spreading germs and every other form of gunk on your hands please and thank you.
SO, on another note.
Vacation was great, I got to do absolutely nothing but lay on the beach 6 of the 7 days I was there. I came home with a phenomenal tan and bleach blond hair. We went to climb diamond head b/c I hadnt done it in years, unfortunately it was closed......no busting out random dance moves on top of the world (or at least a volcano) for me.
Pro Bowl players were all over the beach. Ran into Julius peppers a few times. A few days the defensive line was there too. Assunte Samuel was seen all over the place.
Funny thing, A man that I sat next to on the plane and I got to talking. He and his wife run a few of the YMCA's on the Island. I had told him I was a saints fan and he started telling me how his wife was with Drew Brees helping run a charity event. When we landed in San Fran. he was able to text her and ask him to get a picture of him for me. She did, and so he forwarded it to my email. Its an awesome picture of Drew with a Lei on. Its amazing all kinds of people you meet when you go places.
Thats what I love most about traveling. Any time I go anywhere I make friends with people. I know people that I consider friends in Lousiana, Maryland, Florida, California, Hawaii, North Carolina, Texas...the list goes on and on. As I always say, people are inherently bad, but when you have the opportunity to meet new people and find them to be good, you should always jump at it, as good people unfortunately are a rarity.
Which leads me back to why I befriended Kevin, Paul, Mac, Matt, Don, blah blah blah...they all seemed to be good people....funny, sense of humor, not mean spirited.......then enter my Rapist that had to go ahead and ruin it. Had to go ahead and jump in and prove my point that people are inherently bad. Not only was he a bad person, but he also showed the bad side of Kevin, Paul, Mac, Mike .......Not one of them would help me.....My judgement on those "men" was seriously off.........and now, thanks to my rapist.....I found myself a little more hesitant to make friends while I was on vacation this time.
I found myself afraid to carry on a conversation too long with anyone. I met some truly interesting people. But when it came down to meeting up with them later for a drink or to go surfing...I couldnt bring myself to do it. And it wasnt just men I was afraid to befriend. I met a group of hilarious girls, they wanted to meet up for drinks and dancing later......I decided not to go because dancing would probably lead to meeting men, in which one (i now know it just takes one) could be a bad guy. I still have these girls numbers and we text random jokes to eachother .....but I am really bothered by the fact I had to change who I am because I was raped. I guess I dont feel 100% safe yet.....Im pretty sure I wont ever feel that safe again. Before my rape I would have gone with these girls and had a great time, its amazing how one creep with god-awful hair can change that. And of course, those girls did go out, had a blast and nothing went wrong......my rapist ruined a perfectly good time I could have had. I am hoping in time my trust in people will be renewed.
Anyway, back to work...everything is a mess but I am doing my best to not get stressed over it.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Flight and phobia
2/4/11 7:06 PM
Before I had left, I was worried how I would handle the long flights...being stuck in one place, no exit, with just my thoughts to get the best of me.
Lucky for me, it wasnt all that bad. In total on my way to Hawaii I had 4 different flights, 2 of which were just over an hour, one that was just over 3 and the final one, just under 6....Delta had forgotten to mention in the paperwork that my "direct"flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu stopped in San Francisco ....granted we didnt have to change planes....but im pretty sure the meaning of "direct" means nonstop. Anway,...
I did fine...until the 6 hour flight....but no panic attacks. About halfway through the flight from San Fran. to Honolulu my thoughts started to creep up on me. No racing heart, no feeling like I had to get up and pace....just stupid thoughts about what happened to me and what options I had left. Im not even sure what set my head off......but I was able to calmly work through it.....mainly with sudoku puzzles.....Having to concentrate on something else. The good thing is that I didnt panic, didnt need ativan. I kept myself in control.
I have to admit, I was nervous walking around Waikiki....I know my rapist and his friends read this....and Waikiki is so beyond the meaning of tourist that you could easily find someone. The strange part is.....I would have a little moment of panic any time I saw a man with a thick beard.......its actually pretty hilarious now that im out of the situation...I now have a phobia of bearded men....Kevin had a distinct Chuck Norris-esq beard....so for some reason I would jump a little anytime I saw a man of his body stature with a beard....like he was going to roundhouse my ass or something.
Pretty ridiculous. I think the reasoning behind the brief moments of panic were more that the visual just sent be back to the worst moments of my life.
I think its safe to say, if I ever do decide to date again that he wont be allowed to have a beard.
Back to work....more updates soon
Before I had left, I was worried how I would handle the long flights...being stuck in one place, no exit, with just my thoughts to get the best of me.
Lucky for me, it wasnt all that bad. In total on my way to Hawaii I had 4 different flights, 2 of which were just over an hour, one that was just over 3 and the final one, just under 6....Delta had forgotten to mention in the paperwork that my "direct"flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu stopped in San Francisco ....granted we didnt have to change planes....but im pretty sure the meaning of "direct" means nonstop. Anway,...
I did fine...until the 6 hour flight....but no panic attacks. About halfway through the flight from San Fran. to Honolulu my thoughts started to creep up on me. No racing heart, no feeling like I had to get up and pace....just stupid thoughts about what happened to me and what options I had left. Im not even sure what set my head off......but I was able to calmly work through it.....mainly with sudoku puzzles.....Having to concentrate on something else. The good thing is that I didnt panic, didnt need ativan. I kept myself in control.
I have to admit, I was nervous walking around Waikiki....I know my rapist and his friends read this....and Waikiki is so beyond the meaning of tourist that you could easily find someone. The strange part is.....I would have a little moment of panic any time I saw a man with a thick beard.......its actually pretty hilarious now that im out of the situation...I now have a phobia of bearded men....Kevin had a distinct Chuck Norris-esq beard....so for some reason I would jump a little anytime I saw a man of his body stature with a beard....like he was going to roundhouse my ass or something.
Pretty ridiculous. I think the reasoning behind the brief moments of panic were more that the visual just sent be back to the worst moments of my life.
I think its safe to say, if I ever do decide to date again that he wont be allowed to have a beard.
Back to work....more updates soon
Feb 4
Friday Feb 4 2011 - 4:29 PM
So my first post for Feb is admittedly it is going to be pretty lame.
Quick Notes on what is to come:
I made it to and from Hawaii....without any major damage
Back at work now and of course, came back to a gigantic mess , which is why this posting is so quick and to the point.
As soon as i'm settled more details to come
Just a few words of enticement,
Pro-Bowl
Hawaii 5-0
Made a new friend
Helped a semi-new friend
Hope all is well :)
So my first post for Feb is admittedly it is going to be pretty lame.
Quick Notes on what is to come:
I made it to and from Hawaii....without any major damage
Back at work now and of course, came back to a gigantic mess , which is why this posting is so quick and to the point.
As soon as i'm settled more details to come
Just a few words of enticement,
Pro-Bowl
Hawaii 5-0
Made a new friend
Helped a semi-new friend
Hope all is well :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)