6:32 PM Mon Feb 7th
Cant get my head to stop spinning yet, so getting to be wasnt as easy as I imagined. So I guess I will talk about the rest of my trip.....there really isnt all that much left except thoughts and feelings, but whatever, im depressed and apparently overly emotional right now , so deal with it or stop reading right?
There were few and far between times in which my rape and surrounding events entered my mind on vacation. The first, as I have already written about was on the plane. Nothing too crazy, nothing out of control. The second occasion (which is actually multiple occasions just classified under one subject) would be my seemingly new irrational fear of men with beards. Just reminders but none the less cause my heart to jump thinking they were there and going to try to do something to me. Onto the third occasion...and I remember it clearly.
I was laying on the beach and had gotten a text from back home about the awful snow they were getting....so I in turn took a picture of the sun shining and the closest palm tree I could find and sent it to them. Then I had gotten onto twitter and found a friend that had gone through a similar experience was having a really hard time.....I felt terrible, there I was, surrounded by distraction, and there she was, having a difficult time and not sure how she was going to get through it. I sent her a picture of a Hawaiian flower to let her know I was thinking about her and there if she needed me. She responded that I had no idea how much that meant to her and how it came at the total right time. Its the small things sometimes that help the most. I did the only thing I could do and tried to brighten her day.....I know that sometimes with me, even the smallest things would help... I then sent her a picture of a penguin I named P. Diddy to try to get her to laugh. I do not know this woman all that well, but we are connected and we understand eachother. Im glad I could be there for her.
Those were the only 3 occasions my thoughts were able to linger back to those days in the end of September/early October.
I did however find myself with another emotional issue. While laying on the beach, listening to music I was reminded of my upcoming trip to Vegas. Should be something I am very excited for, and I was....but then I let my mind run and get the best of me. I have been in love with this man that lives in California since the moment I met him a year and a half ago. It was the perfect relationship for me because I hate being around people in general, so when we did get to see eachother it was great...every few months we would get to see eachother. Vegas was our city. Im not really sure what went on, Im a assuming he found someone else, but we stopped seeing eachother a while ago.
I have never been to Vegas without him. Im almost positive the only reason I loved that city so much was because I was there with him. When I thought things were ending with us, I did make a trip out to Vegas by myself, just to see if the city would be the same....it wasnt. I told him that, we worked through whatever and a few months later we were back in Vegas together and the city was amazing again.
Now, I have plans for my best friends 30th birthday to go out there.....I havent spoken to this man in a few months now. He knows when I am going. Truth is I want him there. Im scared that I am going to ruin my best friends trip because I wont be able to make the best of it and Im going to be stuck dwelling on the past.
Im not sure how its possible that I can still be as in love with this guy as I was the first day I met him, but I am. I guess theres always that one person in your life that you can never truly get over. He is my person.
Most of me hopes he surprises me and shows up in Vegas, but theres that part of me that has been pretty hurt and doesnt want to let him back in my life because he will only disappear again.
This is where smart girls are stupid girls. You can be of the highest intelligence in everything in life, but there is always one person that makes you stupid. One person that, despite all of your common sense and focus on reality, will make you look like a complete fool. One person that you will not be willing to give up on.
So long story short, Vegas isnt Vegas without the love of my life......and seeing how im hypersensative and emotional thanks to my rape....my feelings are jumping out all over the place messing up what should be a great weekend with friends.
And with that, its bed time- I will talk about the plane trip home tomorrow :) good night all
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