Mon Feb 14 2011 5:03 PM
Finally feeling back to "myself" (whatever that is ) again. I am well aware that there are probably 8 versions of myself by now...but at least I am back to one where my emotions are under control and I am laughing again.
Nothing happened to make me feel better, I just slowly started to become less angry, less frustrated and a little more tolerant.
My best friend and I dont work in the same office anymore, I cant remember if I brought that up. I dont see her all that often, and with the way I had been feeling I pretty much just pushed her completely out of my life. I didnt feel like doing anything, which pretty much meant me telling her no all of the time if she wanted to do something. I know she was getting frustrated and worried, she'd ask how I was doing every so often, let me know she was still there when I was ready..........I finally let her come over to the house last Friday, I had gone back and forth but finally settled that it might not be the best thing to cut everyone I know out of my life.
We had planned on just relaxing and watching movies, instead we sat in the kitchen (which for some reason everyone just tends to do at my house) and talked for hours. I bitched about a few things, I let her bitch about a few too. We got into a little bit of planning for Vegas.....I am a little more excited about going now.
She reads my blog so of course she had some questions.....we definitely had a good time laughing about my irrational fear of bearded men.
Overall, the night wasnt bad and I was glad I kept the plans.
On a side note, I wanted to download pictures from my vacation to my computer.....and I clearly didnt think that through.......picture from New Orleans back in September are on there. Reminders, but not detrimental. I actually had an idea pop into my head and I am struggling with it. I emailed all of the pictures to my cell phone. I have pictures of each guy from the first night now readily available to post on twitter in hopes that someone will recognize them, read my story, know my rapist, and decide to give me a little information.
The question becomes, do I poke the bear? Before my most recent melt down, I was doing better than I could have ever imagined......I wasnt doing anything regarding filing a civil suit or finding out more information. I was doing well. Do I stir things back up? I clearly wasnt 100% better seeing how I had a complete mental breakdown last week.....so do I keep fighting? or do I decide to start ignoring it again and re-start the healing process?
I remember saying that words are powerful......pictures are too......someone may not be tying the pieces together...maybe they know the name but somehow still arent sure.... maybe if they see the picture of Kevin , Mike, Paul, Mac, Matt and Don they will realize I have been talking about their friend all along.....maybe they will know this individual that felt it appropriate to rape me.
The question.......do I keep trying?
1 comment:
I just read your post questioning if anyone is reading what you are writing. I want you to know that people are reading it. I came here to do research on the effect of rape on the female mind. Your posts were deep and insightful, and very honest. I thank you for having the courage to write what you have experienced. My God give you peace, and take away the pain you experience. Keep writing.
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