Monday 2/7/11 3:33 PM
Well when I woke up this morning I had no idea my day was going to end up this way. I mean i knew i had a Dr.s appointment, but thats it.
Well as of about 2:00 this afternoon I am pretty sure I quit my job. Just got fed up and said to hell with it and left. Then I had my annual GYN appointment at 2:30. I wasnt expecting the visit to be so hard.....but I ended up balling my eyes out like some weak, broken , piece of garbage. I had to ask him to run STD testing seeing how the testing was not part of the rape kit. And, what do dr.'s do when you ask for certain testing,...they ask you why it is necessary....and I completely lost my shit. Yet another person in my town that knows I was raped. Awesome. He was very comforting and didnt push me to talk which was great.
Then I had to get up on the exam table....and all the thoughts about the day of my rape came rushing back. I had to get up on that table, again, like when I had to go through the rape kit. It was one of the most emotionally taxing things I have had to go through....and to think, I have to do this once a year for the rest of my life. Once a year, for the rest of my life I am going to be brought back to that sickening place, once a year I am going to have this emotional setback after working so damn hard to get past it.
I guess , no matter how hard you try, and how much you convince yourself that you are doing just fine, there are always going to be those things in life that make you go back to that terrible place and force you to start your healing process all over again.
At least its over, now I can go home and lay in bed the rest of the day.......or longer seeing how I am almost positive I dont have a job, and even if I somehow do, I dont want it. Its a bullshit job where no one takes accountability for their actions or in-actions for that matter.
Im smart, and educated. I am not worried that no one will hire. They will. And if I have to more elsewhere to find a place that will, that is perfectly ok with me.
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