Thursday 12/30/10 12:45 PM
I didnt write at all yesterday.....I dont think anyway. I really dont have much to say. I have been doing incredibly well. I absolutely still have moments that my mind wanders back to my rape, but I am easily able to push them aside and concentrate on other things lately. No panic attacks, no nausea, no chest pains.....
In thinking back about these past three months, I do have some advice for victims of rape, or friends of victims. Give yourself something to look forward to and be excited about ( or friends of victims give them something to look forward to.) Keep looking ahead instead of behind.....you cannot do anything to control what happened to you or your friend. When you are in the lowest place you can possibly be, find something to plan ahead to and look forward to. Plan it, even though you cant possibly imagine yourself enjoying anything. Making plans keeps you looking forward, gives you a reason to not end your life.
Sure you have family and friends in your life that you dont want to disappoint, but sometimes your emotions will take you to a place where you will most likely think and/or attempt to end your life, despite hurting others.
I planned 2 trips to New Orleans, granted I tried to kill myself on one of them, but hey not everything is 100% fool proof. I had to go back, I had to put pressure on. I dont feel the need to go back anymore, but I will because I love going on vacation there.
Now that I have been feeling so well for a while, I wanted to make sure I'd stay this way, so i went ahead and booked my trip to Hawaii.......With a trip to Hawaii on the books.....I can guarantee you even if I hit my lowest of low moments, I will not be attempting to end my life.
As dumb as it may sound, just plan something ahead. Keep your focus on something. Hell, E-mail me if you are in a bad spot...I guarantee I can find something completely ridiculous to say that will make you laugh.
Hell, plan a trip to Hawaii and meet me out there, its very relaxing. Everything out there is so relaxed its almost impossible to be on vacation and get stressed out. I will be there The last week of January.....and yes, I got tickets to the ProBowl even though I am still holding on to the Saints making it back to the Superbowl.
Back to work, my plans for New Years? Sitting at home, drinking wine and watching Badass movies :)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Leaving work early
12/28/10 Tuesday 6:41 PM
Im actually feeling great enough that I am going to head out of work at 7 and meet my friend at a bar for drinks and wings.....this I can get used to :)
Have a good night everyone
Im actually feeling great enough that I am going to head out of work at 7 and meet my friend at a bar for drinks and wings.....this I can get used to :)
Have a good night everyone
HA
12/28/10 Tuesday 4:48 PM
So, I guess the ADA wasnt on vacation after all. She was just pouting. I can relate, I pout when I dont get my way....she pouts when she gets blogged about.
I sent an email earlier to her asking if she indented on pressing charges against Kevin. I got an overwhelming response that made me practically fall out of my chair in laughter. If I ever open an email from this woman again....im going to have to have a helmet on to protect my head from hitting the floor. "NO" lol. That was her response. No hello, no how are you doing, no im sorry but we will not be filing, no i've actually looked into filing charges against this person and its just not possible. Just a sharp, pissed off no. I would actually like an explanation, but as I have unfortunately had to learn the hard way in trying to deal with my rape, I never get one.
"......and for that, we thank you" LOL. I wasnt expecting her to do any work on this charge what-so-ever, and her overwhelmingly informative e-mail proved me right.
Dont worry, Im not stopping at her. The ADA is not the end all be all. I intend to pursue this just as I pursue everything else. I have a valid legal argument that she refuses to hear or properly explain why she considers in invalid. Go ahead and pout....everyone has their moments.
Anyway. I think I am on the so called "road to recovery" Ive been feeling good for a few days now. Im finding ways to make fun of just about everything again. I am back in vacation planning mode again. Im in heaven today after seeing an add for "pajama jeans".....where have these been all my life! LOL, they claim no one will know you are actually wearing pajamas they are so realistic...... Work is under control. Things are good.....I really dont expect them to get worse, but if they do im sure I will be fine....Im still here.....3 months later.... Im waiting on some sort of law suit to be brought against myself. I wouldnt be surprised if there is one....I just say bring it......ive been to the lowest point in my life ....lawsuits dont scare me. And with the experience I have had with certain lawyers.....they wont put much effort into it anyway.....
Very excited for Vegas, another one of my favorite cities and I get to go with my best friend so what more could I want. After Vegas its back to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. I cant decide if I want to make the trip to the pro bowl this year. I hate that the 2 teams in the superbowl dont get to play....and im still banking on the saints taking it again this year, so none of them will be in the game.
If you ever get a chance to go to the Pro-Bowl in Hawaii do it....its a complete blast and theres plenty of room to sit.....no one really goes, you have your pick of where you want to sit.
Enough posting about randomness...back to work :)
So, I guess the ADA wasnt on vacation after all. She was just pouting. I can relate, I pout when I dont get my way....she pouts when she gets blogged about.
I sent an email earlier to her asking if she indented on pressing charges against Kevin. I got an overwhelming response that made me practically fall out of my chair in laughter. If I ever open an email from this woman again....im going to have to have a helmet on to protect my head from hitting the floor. "NO" lol. That was her response. No hello, no how are you doing, no im sorry but we will not be filing, no i've actually looked into filing charges against this person and its just not possible. Just a sharp, pissed off no. I would actually like an explanation, but as I have unfortunately had to learn the hard way in trying to deal with my rape, I never get one.
"......and for that, we thank you" LOL. I wasnt expecting her to do any work on this charge what-so-ever, and her overwhelmingly informative e-mail proved me right.
Dont worry, Im not stopping at her. The ADA is not the end all be all. I intend to pursue this just as I pursue everything else. I have a valid legal argument that she refuses to hear or properly explain why she considers in invalid. Go ahead and pout....everyone has their moments.
Anyway. I think I am on the so called "road to recovery" Ive been feeling good for a few days now. Im finding ways to make fun of just about everything again. I am back in vacation planning mode again. Im in heaven today after seeing an add for "pajama jeans".....where have these been all my life! LOL, they claim no one will know you are actually wearing pajamas they are so realistic...... Work is under control. Things are good.....I really dont expect them to get worse, but if they do im sure I will be fine....Im still here.....3 months later.... Im waiting on some sort of law suit to be brought against myself. I wouldnt be surprised if there is one....I just say bring it......ive been to the lowest point in my life ....lawsuits dont scare me. And with the experience I have had with certain lawyers.....they wont put much effort into it anyway.....
Very excited for Vegas, another one of my favorite cities and I get to go with my best friend so what more could I want. After Vegas its back to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. I cant decide if I want to make the trip to the pro bowl this year. I hate that the 2 teams in the superbowl dont get to play....and im still banking on the saints taking it again this year, so none of them will be in the game.
If you ever get a chance to go to the Pro-Bowl in Hawaii do it....its a complete blast and theres plenty of room to sit.....no one really goes, you have your pick of where you want to sit.
Enough posting about randomness...back to work :)
Just another Day
12/28/10- Tuesday 12:43 PM
I feel 100% normal. ....well maybe not normal, but definitely good.
Thoughts of my rape still creep up in my mind, but I am easily able to push them right out of my head.
I still havent heard back from the ADA about the new charges I wish to file. Benefit of the doubt time, I will say she is on vacation. Im not panicking as to when or if she contacts me......the feeling has just become the norm for me.
I havent had a panic attack in I dont know how long. I did have those few childish fits I through, but i was able to bring myself under control without having to take medication to calm me down.
I found a routine of sorts that seems to keep me more in balance. I work at least one day a weekend, I dont come into work during the week until after 10 AM, I work until 7 or 8 then go home and take an ativan and ambien. I am a long more calm and less irritable by doing things this way. By working on the weekend, I minimize the stress others put on me because they arent around to get on my nerves. By coming in after 10, I feel rested and ready for the day after sleeping. By not going home until 7 or 8 my day is full and I can just go to bed. Its a routine that works for me.
And when I said I felt normal I guess that wasnt the right term. Today, I just plain feel stronger, more in control, more ready to take charge of things.
I have become a much stronger person in the way I handle things. I used to ask to have things done nicely, which lead to having to ask multiple times. I used to deal with people not stepping up and taking accountability for not getting things done. Not anymore.
Its actually a great feeling. I just cornered a doctor and got him to do what he's been putting off for months now. Any excuse he came up with I shot down and told him to do as he was told or he wasnt going to like my new policy I have created that will now be enforced to full effect. Me and him (and my best friend in the office hearing the whole thing, LOL) face to face. Me telling him how it is going to be done, him trying to find ways to get out of it, me telling him how it was going to be whether he liked it or not. I dont know how my best friend didnt bust out laughing because I never treat people that way.
But I guess in having to deal with the NOPD and ADA and be very forceful to get even the most minimal information, I decided not backing down, and telling people how its going to be rather than asking, gets you a lot further.
Dear Rapist, you have managed to bring a strength and totally bitch persona out that i never knew I had in me.....and as Daniel Tosh would say "....and for that we thank you" -
But you are still a creep with f*d up hair.....and for that, I also thank you because I am not sure I would have had any other memory of you to make fun of you for :)
Saints won = playoffs = me making sure I am at another game.
Oh, And I have pushed Phoenix back to April- A few friends and I are going to Vegas for my best friends 30th birthday.....so I will just take a few extra days and make my way to Phoenix - Hey rapist, you could make my life a lot easier and show your face in Vegas and try to rape me again., whether you're in Phoenix or LA its a short drive........ clearly you cant get sex where you live seeing how you raped me in New Orleans, and clearly you need to wait for a woman to be asleep/passed out drunk to even try to have sex....just to let you know, I will be drinking in Vegas.....does that excite you?
Freak. I dare you to show up.... hell I dare you to show up in NY
Hope everyone's week is going well -
I feel 100% normal. ....well maybe not normal, but definitely good.
Thoughts of my rape still creep up in my mind, but I am easily able to push them right out of my head.
I still havent heard back from the ADA about the new charges I wish to file. Benefit of the doubt time, I will say she is on vacation. Im not panicking as to when or if she contacts me......the feeling has just become the norm for me.
I havent had a panic attack in I dont know how long. I did have those few childish fits I through, but i was able to bring myself under control without having to take medication to calm me down.
I found a routine of sorts that seems to keep me more in balance. I work at least one day a weekend, I dont come into work during the week until after 10 AM, I work until 7 or 8 then go home and take an ativan and ambien. I am a long more calm and less irritable by doing things this way. By working on the weekend, I minimize the stress others put on me because they arent around to get on my nerves. By coming in after 10, I feel rested and ready for the day after sleeping. By not going home until 7 or 8 my day is full and I can just go to bed. Its a routine that works for me.
And when I said I felt normal I guess that wasnt the right term. Today, I just plain feel stronger, more in control, more ready to take charge of things.
I have become a much stronger person in the way I handle things. I used to ask to have things done nicely, which lead to having to ask multiple times. I used to deal with people not stepping up and taking accountability for not getting things done. Not anymore.
Its actually a great feeling. I just cornered a doctor and got him to do what he's been putting off for months now. Any excuse he came up with I shot down and told him to do as he was told or he wasnt going to like my new policy I have created that will now be enforced to full effect. Me and him (and my best friend in the office hearing the whole thing, LOL) face to face. Me telling him how it is going to be done, him trying to find ways to get out of it, me telling him how it was going to be whether he liked it or not. I dont know how my best friend didnt bust out laughing because I never treat people that way.
But I guess in having to deal with the NOPD and ADA and be very forceful to get even the most minimal information, I decided not backing down, and telling people how its going to be rather than asking, gets you a lot further.
Dear Rapist, you have managed to bring a strength and totally bitch persona out that i never knew I had in me.....and as Daniel Tosh would say "....and for that we thank you" -
But you are still a creep with f*d up hair.....and for that, I also thank you because I am not sure I would have had any other memory of you to make fun of you for :)
Saints won = playoffs = me making sure I am at another game.
Oh, And I have pushed Phoenix back to April- A few friends and I are going to Vegas for my best friends 30th birthday.....so I will just take a few extra days and make my way to Phoenix - Hey rapist, you could make my life a lot easier and show your face in Vegas and try to rape me again., whether you're in Phoenix or LA its a short drive........ clearly you cant get sex where you live seeing how you raped me in New Orleans, and clearly you need to wait for a woman to be asleep/passed out drunk to even try to have sex....just to let you know, I will be drinking in Vegas.....does that excite you?
Freak. I dare you to show up.... hell I dare you to show up in NY
Hope everyone's week is going well -
Monday, December 27, 2010
Relaxed
12/27/10 Monday 4:35 PM
There are few things more relaxing than laying in a nice, warm tanning bed for 20 minutes in the middle of your work day when its like 0 degrees out and snowing inch upon inch. Nothing but laying there, listening to music...no interruptions, nothing to make you mad.
The only downfall to this is that when you have one thing that is constantly on your mind no matter how many times you try to force yourself to think of something else, you cant help it.
For some strange reason, "Left Blow" ya....still laugh at that, anyway, his name came to me when I was laying there....I am probably 99.2367% sure his actual name is Don.
I was laying in the tanning bed just listening to the music....actually not thinking about my rape at all....i was thinking how great it felt to be in warmth and out of snow.....and out of no where his name pops into my head. I am almost positive I saw the name Don on his license when he showed me that first night. Hes the one that bought the marijuana on bourbon st that I refused to smoke that first night. They all seemed shocked that someone wouldnt want to smoke pot....sorry "friends" not everyone is stuck in their high-school (ehem...Brophy College Prep) or College for that matter (university of Arizona). Now I am not saying that by anymeans these schools are full of potheads.....I am just referring to the fact that some of these boys went to these schools......
In thinking about it....I so could have had the police search the house for pot ....I saw it that first night.....too bad being raped consumed my mind when the police were there doing their so called "investigation", at least I could have gotten my rapist on possession charges if they had found it in that house.
Now come on, not everyone that knows this group of boys had to have liked them...I, myself was creeped out by a few of them (and rightfully so I might add) Im not too proud to beg. I am begging anyone that knows this group of people to just give me my rapists name so I can move on with my life and let them move on with theirs without me researching everything their is to know about them.
Anyway- I went to my doctor today. She is okaying my nightly regimen of 1 ativan and 1 ambien for another few months so I can sleep. She warns that both are addicting and it wont be long term, but she's agreeing to let me get through a few more months, just until my rape is a little more distant in the time line.
Of course she suggests counseling and I am still adamant that I wont go.....I told her if in the next few months I am still having the trouble sleeping, I will agree to at least go talk to a professional and then decide whether I want to continue or not. I think its a fair compromise, I dont want to have to be dependent on medications, but I think my rape is too current in my head to go off of them yet.
Big Saints game tonight- Love Monday night football.....means I get to see my team from my own house instead of going to the bar. Definitely thinking they are going to beat the Falcons this time. I actually have a reason to not work past 8 PM tonight.....how exciting is my life :)
There are few things more relaxing than laying in a nice, warm tanning bed for 20 minutes in the middle of your work day when its like 0 degrees out and snowing inch upon inch. Nothing but laying there, listening to music...no interruptions, nothing to make you mad.
The only downfall to this is that when you have one thing that is constantly on your mind no matter how many times you try to force yourself to think of something else, you cant help it.
For some strange reason, "Left Blow" ya....still laugh at that, anyway, his name came to me when I was laying there....I am probably 99.2367% sure his actual name is Don.
I was laying in the tanning bed just listening to the music....actually not thinking about my rape at all....i was thinking how great it felt to be in warmth and out of snow.....and out of no where his name pops into my head. I am almost positive I saw the name Don on his license when he showed me that first night. Hes the one that bought the marijuana on bourbon st that I refused to smoke that first night. They all seemed shocked that someone wouldnt want to smoke pot....sorry "friends" not everyone is stuck in their high-school (ehem...Brophy College Prep) or College for that matter (university of Arizona). Now I am not saying that by anymeans these schools are full of potheads.....I am just referring to the fact that some of these boys went to these schools......
In thinking about it....I so could have had the police search the house for pot ....I saw it that first night.....too bad being raped consumed my mind when the police were there doing their so called "investigation", at least I could have gotten my rapist on possession charges if they had found it in that house.
Now come on, not everyone that knows this group of boys had to have liked them...I, myself was creeped out by a few of them (and rightfully so I might add) Im not too proud to beg. I am begging anyone that knows this group of people to just give me my rapists name so I can move on with my life and let them move on with theirs without me researching everything their is to know about them.
Anyway- I went to my doctor today. She is okaying my nightly regimen of 1 ativan and 1 ambien for another few months so I can sleep. She warns that both are addicting and it wont be long term, but she's agreeing to let me get through a few more months, just until my rape is a little more distant in the time line.
Of course she suggests counseling and I am still adamant that I wont go.....I told her if in the next few months I am still having the trouble sleeping, I will agree to at least go talk to a professional and then decide whether I want to continue or not. I think its a fair compromise, I dont want to have to be dependent on medications, but I think my rape is too current in my head to go off of them yet.
Big Saints game tonight- Love Monday night football.....means I get to see my team from my own house instead of going to the bar. Definitely thinking they are going to beat the Falcons this time. I actually have a reason to not work past 8 PM tonight.....how exciting is my life :)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Rest easy Phoenix....for at least 7 months anyway
12/26/10 Sunday 5:13 PM
Still working. Have had some quiet time to think. I mean really think.....compose a thought, and rationally go over it from all angles.
Now dont get all excited, I am still filing my cases.
But, with my sister pregnant with her first baby, I dont want to move across the country and not be within driving distance should something go wrong.
Time to stop being so selfish. I am going to take my current boss's offer and stay in town, at least until the baby comes....then im out....im not great with kids anyway, but I need to be there for my sister if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.
With that said.....I will be visiting Phoenix for a vacation of sorts shortly.... figure out where I can work...where I would want to live.... Its always good to plan ahead. Im thinking maybe February...then meeting up with a close friend for a little Vegas excursion,
Hope everyone's Christmas was well. Dont forget to watch the Saints game tomorrow night...big game!
Still working. Have had some quiet time to think. I mean really think.....compose a thought, and rationally go over it from all angles.
Now dont get all excited, I am still filing my cases.
But, with my sister pregnant with her first baby, I dont want to move across the country and not be within driving distance should something go wrong.
Time to stop being so selfish. I am going to take my current boss's offer and stay in town, at least until the baby comes....then im out....im not great with kids anyway, but I need to be there for my sister if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.
With that said.....I will be visiting Phoenix for a vacation of sorts shortly.... figure out where I can work...where I would want to live.... Its always good to plan ahead. Im thinking maybe February...then meeting up with a close friend for a little Vegas excursion,
Hope everyone's Christmas was well. Dont forget to watch the Saints game tomorrow night...big game!
Sunday 12/26/10 11:56 AM
Back at work. Just getting things done.
I dont know why it took me so long to find Matt Fitz-Gerald.....it was definitely right in front of my face this whole time seeing how he works with Kevin.
I am no longer worried whether or not I am going to find the information I need....I have no doubt I will . Pretty comforting. Havent heard back from the ADA yet regarding the charges against Kevin. Shes probably just taking time off for Christmas...lol. Ill give her the benefit of the doubt this time.
Anyway, tons of work to do, ive redecorated the office, feeling pretty good about the year to come.
I almost died in august, I was raped in September and in December I found out just how lazy the Orleans Parish ADA was ......Im pretty much ready to leave 2010 back in the past. It wasnt the finest of all years for me.
My lawyer has agreed to force a civil case.....so now I have to really decide if I want to waste my time on this or just find another way to mentally get over my rape. Right now, Im about 97% sure I will go through with both the civil case against my rapist, and the criminal case against Kevin.
I am 100% sure I will be filing against the Sex Crimes Detective Caloun or however you spell it.
Anyway, I am going to to my best this coming year to put my focus elsewhere....I have to in order to get my life back. But that doesnt mean I wont follow through with my cases, I just wont be doing all the research for the ADA in my case this time.
Back to work, things to do....Happy Almost 2011
I dont know why it took me so long to find Matt Fitz-Gerald.....it was definitely right in front of my face this whole time seeing how he works with Kevin.
I am no longer worried whether or not I am going to find the information I need....I have no doubt I will . Pretty comforting. Havent heard back from the ADA yet regarding the charges against Kevin. Shes probably just taking time off for Christmas...lol. Ill give her the benefit of the doubt this time.
Anyway, tons of work to do, ive redecorated the office, feeling pretty good about the year to come.
I almost died in august, I was raped in September and in December I found out just how lazy the Orleans Parish ADA was ......Im pretty much ready to leave 2010 back in the past. It wasnt the finest of all years for me.
My lawyer has agreed to force a civil case.....so now I have to really decide if I want to waste my time on this or just find another way to mentally get over my rape. Right now, Im about 97% sure I will go through with both the civil case against my rapist, and the criminal case against Kevin.
I am 100% sure I will be filing against the Sex Crimes Detective Caloun or however you spell it.
Anyway, I am going to to my best this coming year to put my focus elsewhere....I have to in order to get my life back. But that doesnt mean I wont follow through with my cases, I just wont be doing all the research for the ADA in my case this time.
Back to work, things to do....Happy Almost 2011
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