Relaxed

12/27/10 Monday 4:35 PM

There are few things more relaxing than laying in a nice, warm tanning bed for 20 minutes in the middle of your work day when its like 0 degrees out and snowing inch upon inch.  Nothing but laying there, listening to music...no interruptions, nothing to make you mad.
The only downfall to this is that when you have one thing that is constantly on your mind no matter how many times you try to force yourself to think of something else, you cant help it.
For some strange reason, "Left Blow" ya....still laugh at that, anyway, his name came to me when I was laying there....I am probably 99.2367% sure his actual name is Don. 
I was laying in the tanning bed just listening to the music....actually not thinking about my rape at all....i was thinking how great it felt to be in warmth and out of snow.....and out of no where his name pops into my head. I am almost positive I saw the name Don on his license when he showed me that first night.  Hes the one that bought the marijuana on bourbon st that I refused to smoke that first night.  They all seemed shocked that someone wouldnt want to smoke pot....sorry "friends" not everyone is stuck in their high-school (ehem...Brophy College Prep) or College for that matter (university of Arizona).  Now I am not saying that by anymeans these schools are full of potheads.....I am just referring to the fact that some of these boys went to these schools......
In thinking about it....I so could have had the police search the house for pot ....I saw it that first night.....too bad being raped consumed my mind when the police were there doing their so called "investigation", at least I could have gotten my rapist on possession charges if they had found it in that house.
Now come on, not everyone that knows this group of boys had to have liked them...I, myself was creeped out by a few of them (and rightfully so I might add)  Im not too proud to beg.   I am begging anyone that knows this group of people to just give me my rapists name so I can move on with my life and let them move on with theirs without me researching everything their is to know about them.

Anyway-  I went to my doctor today.  She is okaying my nightly regimen of 1 ativan and 1 ambien for another few months so I can sleep.  She warns that both are addicting and it wont be long term, but she's agreeing to let me get through a few more months, just until my rape is a little more distant in the time line.
Of course she suggests counseling and I am still adamant that I wont go.....I told her if in the next few months I am still having the trouble sleeping, I will agree to at least go talk to a professional and then decide whether I want to continue or not.  I think its a fair compromise, I dont want to have to be dependent on medications, but I think my rape is too current in my head to go off of them yet.

Big Saints game tonight- Love Monday night football.....means I get to see my team from my own house instead of going to the bar.  Definitely thinking they are going to beat the Falcons this time.  I actually have a reason to not work past 8 PM tonight.....how exciting is my life :)