Nothing?.....still??

12/22/10 Wed. 9:45 PM

I am still waiting for the massive wave of panick and nausea to set in.

Not really understanding why I feel so calm and relaxed, almost no cares in the world. 

Still havent heard back from the ADA regarding filing the charges.  I dont know if she just isnt putting any effort forward, or if she is panicking trying find a way to make me go away.

To me,  by her taking the law,as is, word for word and not charging my rapist, she now has a catch 22 .  Taking the law word for word means Kevin broke the law. 

Im just saying. I will not give up, so if that is what is holding her back , she shouldnt think I am going away. When you are raped, you lose everything.  You lose your sense of self, you lose your mind, you lose all control.....How you come to deal with that happening is completely personal and different for all victims. 

Some dont say a word. I dont blame them- The fact that the initial "investigation" takes so  long...and turns out to be more of an investigation to find a way to blame the victim  than a way to prove the victim is right, is just wrong on so many levels...I could write a novel on that alone.
But then you have deal with a DA that you dont get to pick, who is probably miserable in their job and doesnt give a shit what happens to you (but can memorize and recite the "company" line that they are and have exhausted all resources in the "investigation").   Then, if your DA actually decides for a trial, you most likely wait years to get your day in court.....and by day in court....its literally a day in court.  Rape victims do not get to sit in on their own trials.  Rape victims are considered witnesses.  Rape victims only get to testify. Rape victims are not allowed to take part in their own trial as it may "taint:" their testimony. 
So not only are you allowed to view your own Police Report, regarding your own rape, but you dont get to listen to all the bullshit stories your rapist and his "acquaintances" we able to fabricate within the years it took to get to court.   Sometimes, I think I wouldnt be going through the emotional mess I am going through if I had just not said anything.  I wouldnt have the frustrations of dealing with an ADA that doesnt want to do any research into how to try a case.  I wouldnt have the frustrations of a mostly incompetent police force....at least the Sex Crimes Detectives anyway.   I wouldnt have to sit and research hours out of my day to give the ADA more ideas as to how my rapist can be charged. 

Which leads into the next category of rape victims that actually do report their assault.  They go through the agony of reporting, the rape kit, the months of waiting for results and answers.....and get so fed up and so exhausted that they just give up and drop any pursuit of their rapist.  The time it takes to get anywhere in a rape case is appalling.  While a woman or man that has been raped could be taking the time to heal and recover.....they have to wait and re-open all wounds and start from scratch again years later.  Most of the time its just not worth giving up your mental health to punish some freak that cant keep it in his pants.
The thought to just stop and let myself heal has crossed my mind more than once.  I just want to get on with my life. I want to be the woman I was before that didnt have to worry about panic attacks or randomly crying in public places because emotion decides to show up and overwhelm me.  I want to be the woman I was before, that didnt have to write down everything I was feeling to make sure i didnt kill myself, to keep my sanity.  If I just stop now , maybe I can start to get back to that woman.

I admire the women that stick through their cases to the end.  One woman that has contacted me is finally getting her case to trial.....8 years after she was raped.  8 years!  How is that acceptable in our society?!?!? I'd like to think I am a strong woman, but I was ready to kill myself after 2 months, I dont know how this woman made it eight years. 

I am not saying I am giving up.  The more this ADA pisses me off, and the longer it takes to get answers just makes me angry, and fuels me to keep trying to find ways to get justice.  I think the arguments I have presented in my case really deserve another look.  And I also thinks the ADA knows that and doesnt know what to do about it.  Morally, should I be filing charges against Kevin , no.  But if I am to follow the letter of the law, yes I should.  Morality rarely plays a role in my decisions in life, this situation should be no different.

I dont know if I am so calm because I am still not accepting that there is nothing I can do. Or maybe its because I now have time on my side.  I can decide when to file that civil suit. I have time to research and get everything together I need.  It may be a combination of both.

As I have said before, I am beyond upset that they will not file against my rapist, after I was so open, not hiding anything, answering every question, going through the rape kit, flying back to the city and going through the so called re-interview......which wtf is that about ....In order for me to keep some sense of sanity , by brain chose to block out a lot of what happened..  How am I do give an exact account of events when that has happened.   When I was initially brought to the ADAs office back in September, I walked out of the so called "meeting" when the ADA came in because I could tell she just didnt want to listen to me and I was going to get no where with her.    At no time was I informed that while I was meeting with the victim advocate that it was a formal Interview regarding the case.  And at that time there was no interview.  They asked why I felt it was so important to get my rapists name.  That was the extent of it....and when the ADA would talk over me and not let me finish a sentence I got up and walked out.  Had I been made aware, that they were actually trying to "interview" me to get testimony while it was still fresh I would have stayed. 
That actually pisses me off the more I think about it.  The ADA talked over me then, and she talked over me and wouldnt listen the other night on the phone either.  Note to you Ms. Glass, listen to your victim. Let them finish sentence.  Then, when they are done, you can chime in with your "company line" and be on your way.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, got myself a little angry right there. 

I honestly cant tell anyone what to do.  When you are raped, you react the best way you know how, and in reacting however you do, you are helping yourself survive.  Never be upset with yourself that you said nothing....as disgusting as it sounds, sometimes its better to not put yourself through all of the excess frustrations.  If you report and then decide to drop the case, good for you.  You need to take care of yourself.  No punishment on another person will make your pain any easier.  If you decide to follow all the way through, there are no words. If you can do that, you can do just about anything.

The line you will hear the most when you report rape is about counseling.  Everyone forces a counselor on you. You go home with a pocket full of phone numbers and websites.  Some need counseling, and the fact that you can recognize and accept that, I admire.  I know I need help but I refuse the counseling that has been shoved down my throat since day one.  I refuse because I dont believe telling one person, that writes down your every emotion, then judges you , really isnt doing you a service.  Someone that listens to you, then tacks on and ICD-9 code (diagnosis code) to put you in a "group" of society that suffers from the same.  Usually it is a PTSD diagnosis.  I dont need someone telling me I have PTSD, I know damn well I do.  I dont need someone else to write down my emotions, thoughts, actions and reactions.  I think I do that well enough on my own.    If I didnt have my 2 close friends that I have, I probably would have gone to counseling just because, whether I like it or not, sometimes I need someone to tell me i am going to be ok, and that they are there for me no matter what.  If I didnt have that support system, I would have needed someone to go to.
But like I said, no single human reacts the same way to the same situation.
Rape victims need to just sit down, take a second ( or take all the time in the world...because trust me, right now our justice system is so barbaric that you have years),  and assess.  Just think about what you think will help get you through.  And trust me.....that is tough to do.  To be able to sit and think should be so simple, but after you have been raped, you have so many thoughts racing through your mind, you cant tell up from down. But if you can sit in a quiet room, or maybe in a room by yourself with your favorite music and force yourself to focus, the thoughts will eventually slow down.  I encourage you to write everything, because you will forget things, and you will question yourself and your memory....so write everyday.  You never have to go back and read it again, but it may come in handy in the future. You can even write, and if you so choose, go to a counselor and either read or let the counselor read what you wrote.  Just make sure everything is documented, because as time goes on, your brain blocks things out. And if you do get a trial, you may need those earlier memories that you just dont remember any more.
If you want, you can write to me.....I am very surprised how much it has helped me speak with other women that have been raped and are willing to talk about it.  You can say anything you want to me, ask advice, tell me what i have reported you dont think is rape, ask my opinion as to if you were raped......
I am here to help....and I know that sounds stupid......but there is literally no one willing to talk about rape in such a public forum, and very few websites that offer very much help or information.   Thats probably half of the reason I was so panicky in the first place.
I want everyone that reads this to know that they can talk to me about anything by email dvaughnnopd@yahoo.com  . I will never blog about anything you say, I will never speak to another person about what you say.  I will uphold confidentiality rules that apply in law and medicine.    I just found myself wanting to be able to ask so many questions when I was raped, and there was really no one to ask.
I hope I can be that person for some readers.  I see the searches that lead people to this site, the searches are people looking for answers about all aspects of rape....what the rape kit is like, if they were raped, what is the process like.   People need answers, and while I am in no way an expert, I have been through this and will offer all I have to help anyone get through this terrible time.

I do have to say, as much as you think you want to be alone, dont believe that for a second.  Sure, you are entitled to time to yourself, but when it comes down to it, you need distraction....and having others around is a great distraction.  You dont need to tell anyone what happened to you, just make sure that you are around people every so often to remind yourself that the world doesnt have to be such a terrible place.