I cleared my IP tracker.....and guess what, Tucson showed right back up ....7:34 PM to be exact.
Im guessing Tucson is where my rapist lives....thats the IP that shows u every day, most days multiple times.
I had a heart to heart of sorts with my boss. We spoke for over an hour of things my boss could do to make me stay at my job. I told her everything, well everything to do with my recent disappointment in my job....not that the recent decline in my social skills in the work place, or that my recent frustrations at work are due to emotional trauma. She is worried about me, and I know I can trust her....I just cant bring myself to tell her I was raped and emotionally shattered. Rape shouldnt be a reason for me to fail at my job.
In our discussion she told me things that others had told her when they felt like they were walking into a brick wall over and over in their workplace. There are options, choices on how you handle situations. Sometimes you back down to placate others , sometimes you fight back as long as you have proof, ...things of that sort..
One thing she told me really stood out in my mind. And while it is entirely pessimistic, its a great point.
You cannot hold others to the personal standards you hold yourself to. If you do, you are setting yourself up for more disappointments than successes.
This I can relate to. I expect great things from people. I expect myself to put every effort into everything I do. I expect to succeed, and when it doesnt come easy ...i expect to find a way to make myself succeed. I expect that I perform my job to the best of my ability and not slack of just because others are doing less. I expect myself to be the kind of friend that does anything, without thinking twice to help when a friend is in need. I expect that I will treat others with the utmost respect ....respect I would show my mother for example.
When I see others not trying, not helping, not caring, etc I am disappointed.
If I took a step back and just took the stance that not everyone has the same "standards" I do, it makes things a bit less hard to deal with. I should take a step back and realize that the NOPD and the DAs office just dont have the same standards in the workplace as I do. Sometimes, people just dont care.
If I step back and look things from this perspective maybe things will be easier.
Before I was raped, i never had to wonder how i was going to react to a situation. I had my set of beliefs and standards. I was on auto pilot.....in a good way, I never had to stop and think how I was going to handle a situation....I firmly stood by a philosophy I came across in college.
I was raised Catholic, but I am not a religious person. I was never "lost" searching for the meaning of life, but one day, in my philosophy class , during a discussion with a professor I "found" my belief system. I found what I turn to when others turn to a religion or their god.
When I have more time to explain I will....Maybe if my readers can get to know who I was and what I stood for, they can maybe grasp the severity of my mental disintegration. Who I am now is definitely not who I was before and what I find sad is that now I have to put forth effort into things that came so easily to me. I have to talk myself into being a better person.
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