Sunday 12/5/10

So its 12:28 PM Sunday 12/5/10

Yesterday was the worst I have ever been. I cant explain how or why, but I just got hit with these feelings of worthlessness.  Yesterday was the first day since I was raped that I seriously considered ending my life. I have no idea where such strong feelings came from, but I had them.  I didnt get out of bed all day.  I was feeling so low that I didnt even feel like writing what I was going through, which for me is strange seeing how I seem to write the most when I am at my low points.

I guess it all starts from the anxiety I had about going to that Christmas party Friday for work. I knew there would be about 100 people there and just that thought alone was enough to make me start shaking hours before the party began.  I dont understand why going to a party with people I know and like would set off a panic attack.  It makes no sense to me.  I had a couple drinks with a few friends before we went to the party and it relaxed me a bit, but I was still on edge.  The second we walked in the door I wanted to leave.  I barely spoke with anyone there that wasnt sitting at my table...the only time I got out of my chair was to grab some food, go to the bathroom and one other time to just go outside and get away from everyone for a few minutes.
Luckily we didnt stay long....but I was still on edge. We left and went to a local bar.  I felt a ton more comfortable but still didnt feel 100% better. 

The next morning my friend and I watched Adam Lamberts "True Hollywood Story"  Then she left and I was on my own. I tried to sleep but I couldnt. I started watching the DVR...couldnt pay all that much attention. Next thing I next thing I knew my hands were back to shaking and I couldnt stop crying.  Sitting in the middle of bed, arms wrapped around my knees, in a room with the shades drawn , the only light in the room coming from the tv.  Not being able to understand why this hit me all of a sudden , I just wanted to end it. I thought about sitting in the tub and slitting my wrists....it wouldnt leave much of a mess that way, but then I thought of the person who would find me.....im sure seeing something like that would severely damage that person.  Then I remembered a friend I had in high school.  She had grabbed her favorite teddy bear, a pillow and a blanket and climbed into the back seat of her car parked in the garage.  I remember hearing stories about when they found her she just looked like she had layed down to take a nap and never woke up.
After a few hours of contemplating how I wanted to go, I decided that I couldnt do something like that to my family.  A cousin of mine was murdered when she was younger, her brother ( a NYC Cop) blew his head off a few years later.  I saw the damage that did to my Aunt.  I decided I couldnt be selfish and put my family through more tragedy.  My sisters have already lost their father, Im not sure how they would handle losing their younger sister.  Not to mention, a few days ago, my sister that lives a few hours away called to tell me she is pregnant, expecting her first child.  I cant be selfish and ruin what should be one of the happiest times in her life.
Just as I had talked myself into how stupid it would be to end things, a friend showed up at my door.  I told him I was having a bad day.  He stayed with me without asking any questions. Layed in bed and watched movies all day. Barely saying a word.  Knowing I would talk to him when I wanted to.  He even left and got me some dinner because I was too messed up to leave my house.  After a few hours I started shaking and crying again.....for no reason....I just couldnt help it.....then I couldnt find the ativan and I really started panicking.  After turning a few rooms inside out in an all out panic I was able to find it.  I cried for a bit after that, but finally started to feel the effects and was able to calm myself down.  My friend asked why that happens....I had to tell him I have no idea, because I dont.  And, Ive never actually had a day like yesterday.  Yesterday was the worst.  But I got through it.
Now I am back at work.  I am functioning.  I am at work getting everything back in order.  I have a conference on Thursday, then I am of until Tuesday, so I will be missing quite a bit of time.  I want to make sure that I can get as far ahead as I can.

By early next week, my life will take a drastic change.  I am going to have some answers......whether I like the answers or not, I am going to have them.....then I am going to have to choose how I will deal with them.  I will have some sort of direction.  I only hope that if I dont like what I find out, that I am strong enough to find a way through.

Anyway, I need to get back to work.  I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their weekend